Summer of '07

Self Discovery

Chapter 17

July 2007

~TRAVIS~

I think once the start of July kicked in, my summer quickly started to take a turn for the worst. Ever since that night with Heather and Elijah at the lake, I hadn't been able to look at Elijah the same way as before. It was like he was a different person now who made me uncomfortable every time we had a one-on-one conversation. It was really hard for me having to come to terms with it all, mainly because I didn't want to believe that I could be attracted to another guy. I never thought that I might be gay, but ever since that night all the clues have been pointing in that direction. At first I thought it was nothing and that my desires were only stemming from the idea of having a threesome with both Heather and Elijah... but then I started having weird dreams at night that didn't involve Heather at all, but only me and Elijah. Every dream I had involved the two of us either just making out or engaging in other s****l activity that left my p***s rock-solid by the time I woke up in the morning. I remember waking up from one of my first dreams where I kissed him for the first time in the dark, and being so sad when I realized that it was just a dream. Now every time we interacted, I felt a strong sense of s****l tension that was obviously only coming from my end. Elijah isn't attracted to me and he never will be, I would always tell myself whenever I began thinking of him in a s****l way.

    As opposed to most people however, I think it took me a relatively short amount of time to truly admit to myself that I was gay or bisexual—I hadn't really decided on nomenclature yet. I wasn't fond of the idea, fearing what my friends and family would think of me. I feared what people at school would think of me, even the ones I didn't really know. I know it sounds pretty stupid to worry about what other people thought about me, but when you're an insecure teenager in high school, it can be pretty hard not to care. People talk and word gets around and before you know it, you're ostracized from all the people you thought were your friends. I never wanted to be ostracized from everyone I knew and turn out to be a loner again like I was in the eighth grade. So far, high school had been fine and I didn't think I ever had to worry about being ostracized ever again. So I kept quiet about it. I didn't tell anyone about how I really felt. I guess that officially made me a closet case, but it was fine. I knew that I'd rather live in the closet than risk social isolation. Maybe after high school I would be able to tell other people how I really felt. Though I knew I could never tell Elijah. After the way he responded when I tried to kiss him the other day, I knew he wouldn't be fine with it. Our friendship would be over in a heart beat and he would want nothing more to do with me. We may have grown close over these past three years but if he knew that I had a crush on him, it wouldn't be pretty.

    I actually found myself surprised that he hadn't picked up on any of the clues that I had inadvertently dropped, like my insistence on having a threesome with him, or even my insistence on kissing him in the woods. I mean, that was kinda obvious so it puzzled me how he just brushed that off as a joke when he should've known damn well that maybe I was trying to tell him something. Though it's not like I was actually trying to make it obvious. If anything I didn't even realize how obvious it was until after the fact. But if he couldn't pick up on it, then I guess that's for the best.

    I spent pretty much my whole week just overthinking it all, as I completely bailed on all of the scheduled camp activities. I did however end up attending the Fourth-of-July festival that was going on near the lake, where I ran into Heather and Elijah. The three of us hung around for a bit and eventually found a nice little spot for us to sit back and watch the fireworks as they lit up the sky. Despite everything that was going on with me personally, I surprisingly found it in myself to actually enjoy the moment and the time I was sharing with the only two friends I ever even had at that stupid camp.

    We had fun for the first couple of hours together just talking about random s**t and we really didn't get into all that stuff about the other night until later on in the night when everyone else started leaving.

    "So... what do you remember about the other night?" I asked Heather as the three of us laid on the blanket over the grass as we stared into the sky.

    "What night?"

    "Ya know, the night we went to the lake..."

    "Trav, you're gonna have to be more specific because we went to the lake loads of times within the past couple of weeks."

    "The most recent time?"

    "Oh... that night's kinda foggy for me. I just remember us talking for a bit and then at one point I decided to go for a swim... rest of it is all a blur pretty much."

    "So you don't remember the part where you stripped and went skinny dipping?" Elijah asserted in the most straight-forward way.

    "No... but that sounds like something I'd do!" To my surprise she burst out laughing. For some reason, I had thought she'd be like, embarrassed or something... but obviously she wasn't.

    "And the threesome?"

    "Holy s**t! We had a threesome?!"

    "No... but you suggested that we should have one. You went on and on about how you wanted the both of us... you also kissed the both of us," I explained to her.

    "Yeah, I'd so do that!" She just kept laughing. 

    "Seriously?"

    "Yeah, I'd be down for that, honestly."

    Elijah and I exchanged a glance.

    "So just to be clear... you'd be down to have s*x with the both of us... at the same time?" I asked for assurance, unable to believe that she was so casual with talking about a threesome.

    She chuckled. "Yes... who wouldn't be? You're both really hot!" I never really considered myself to be hot but if she thought so then I guess that's all that mattered.

    "You're not kidding?" Elijah asked for clarification. It was one thing being offered a threesome by a drunk girl, but it was another thing when she was still down to do it when she was completely sober.

    "No, I mean if you guys are down... I've been on the pill for months... so yeah, I'm definitely cool to f**k the both of you," Heather said so casually that I knew that there was no lie in her voice.

    Elijah and I exchanged a second glance, this time as we both sat up simultaneously. He looked into my eyes, as if asking, are you sure you want to do this? Even though, he f*****g knew that I did. I wanted it so bad. This was my chance to get with both of my crushes at the same time. How could I ever throw away such an opportunity?

    We then looked over at Heather and I finally gave her my answer. "I'm definitely down," I said with confidence, whereas Elijah struggled to give his answer. 

    "Yeah, I don't know about this..." He muttered with reluctance. Don't tell me this b***h was chickening out already!

    "You said you were cool—"

    "I know but..."

    "Oh come on, Elijah! Is Trav not your best friend?" Heather inserted herself in, seemingly just as enthusiastic about it as the night she was drunk.

    "I mean, yeah but..."

    "But what? Elijah? You keep saying 'but,' but yet you never finish!" 

    "I don't know. I mean, I'm down to do it... but I'm just worried that it's gonna be awkward between us, Trav," he said, looking at me. Yeah, maybe I should've just listened to him here, and then things wouldn't have happened the way they did. But, of course, I was too desperate to lose my v-card that I didn't really think about the repercussions.

    "It won't be awkward... it'll just bring us closer. Strengthen our bond, ya know?" Yeah, not exactly sure how literally I meant that.

    "Look, if you're worried about it seeming gay... it'll only be as gay as you make it. After all, you're both f*****g me, a girl, so I don't see anything gay about that," Heather interjected, sensing that that was one of the reasons behind Elijah's hesitance. 

    "It's not about that..." Right...

    "Look, it's not gonna be awkward, man. I promise I won't make it awkward. We'll still be bros afterwards, no matter what," I assured him. Oh, I was so confident back then... and that was before stuff happened.

    "You don't know how it's gonna be, man. You've never had s*x before, so it's for sure gonna be hella awkward for you."

    "Tick-tock... either you're in or you're out?" Heather said, growing impatient with this conversation.

    Elijah looked at me again, as if preparing to turn me down. "I just hope it doesn't change anything between us..."

    "It won't. You'll always be my number one bro!" Yeah, spoke too soon. 

    "Alright, I'll do it," Elijah finally agreed.

    I remember I felt so excited at hearing him say that. I was finally gonna lose my virginity, and my best friend, who I was crushing hard for, was gonna be there with us. I f*****g knew it was gonna be a crazy-ass experience and I couldn't wait for it. 

    "Great! So where are we gonna do it?" Heather asked a good question. The three of us f*****g at camp probably wouldn't work very well. None of us have our own room and there is essentially no other place on the campgrounds that we can all have s*x privately without anyone stumbling upon us. 

    "A motel?" Elijah suggested. "A real cheap one, ya know like Motel 6 or something?"

    "What, like, just leave camp?" I asked.

    "Yeah, we come back the next day... no big deal."

    "Yeah, it sounds all good and dandy but how are we even gonna get to a motel? I mean, we're kinda in the middle of nowhere," Heather said, for once being the responsible one out of all of us. 

    "We try to get a lift," Elijah said casually as if he had this whole thing figured out when he was one of the most reluctant ones to even participate in it.

    "Sounds like you got it all figured out," Heather commented, laying her head back down on the blanket.

    I grinned at Elijah, and he smirked back at me. We then laid back down beside Heather and continued our star gazing. 

    Who would have thought that it'd all go to s**t after that?