Summer of '07

Beach Rats

Chapter 20

February 2019

~TRAVIS~

"What were you gonna say earlier that you didn't want to say in front of other people?" Elijah asks me, as I stare off into the black sky. For some reason, being here at a quiet beach in the dead of night reminds me of a movie I saw a while back. The movie was about a bored teenager who would hookup with older men, while simultaneously attempting and failing to have a relationship with a girl. Don't ask me why, but I've always really enjoyed gay cinema and being at this beach at this late hour with the man I've loved since I was 18 makes me feel like I'm in a gay movie.

    "Ever seen the movie, Beach Rats?" I ask him, as I completely dodge his question.

    "No. What's it about?"

    "It's a gay movie," I reply.

    "Oh, well, I don't really watch movies like that." Why doesn't that surprise me?

    "Really? You've never once seen a gay movie before? Not even Brokeback Mountain or Call Me By Your Name?" Of course, I've seen all the mainstream gay movies.

    He just nods his head. "Okay, I'll admit that I saw a lesbian movie called Carol."

    "I like that one," I say calmly.

    "Yeah... why we talking about gay movies?" Yeah, why are we talking about that? Oh, that's right...

    "Because you seem to not understand the fact that I'm not... interested in women, so you can stop trying to hook me up with a girl."

    "Sorry... I just thought that maybe you were—"

    "Straight? No. If you remember anything from the summer of '07 you'd know that I'm obviously not." I mean, he should f*****g know and stop pretending that what happened didn't happen.

    "I was gonna say bisexual..." Were you, now?

    "I'm not that either. At first, I thought I was... but I eventually found out that the feelings I had for you were stronger than any feelings I've ever had for any girl. I remember when I saw you kissing Heather, I thought I was jealous of you, but the truth was that I was jealous of her... that was, of course, before the night at the motel."

    "Yeah..." He says, with a hint of discomfort.

    "What about you?" I ask him, just to hear his response.

    "What about me?"

    "What are you?"

    "Well I mean, I'm married to a woman so I guess it's pretty self-explanatory." Why did I sense so much tension in that response? What's he so tense about? Since he's married to a woman, you'd assume he'd be pretty secure about his sexuality.

    "Is it?"

    "Travis, don't do this."

    "Do what?"

    "This. You know I'm married."

    "And I respect that."

    "Do you? Because it sounds like you're trying to use the things I did in the past to—"

    "'Things you did in the past'? Like what?"

    "Okay, now you're being an asshole," he says, with increasing tension. Alright, maybe I am taking it too far.

    "I just want you to admit it."

    "Admit what?"

    "What we did!"

    Silence quickly falls and I mentally decide not to push him any further. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then I can't make him. He's right, I am being an asshole.

    "I don't want to think about it," he mumbles as he turns his head away from me and shuts his eyes.

    I look at him and internally I feel so terrible. Maybe I should just let it go. Forget that it ever happened, just like he did. I don't want to push him away and if I continue to pester him about something that happened forever ago that I see clearly bothers him to talk about, then I inadvertently will, and I can't let that happen. "Fine, whatever... I'm sorry for bringing it up," I say, as I wrap my arm around his shoulder. He doesn't say anything and the two of us just sit in silence for a while.

    "Did you ever tell your mom... about..." Elijah suddenly asks me, finally breaking the silence.

    "About my sexuality? Yeah... I did. She wasn't too thrilled about it... but she didn't really care. She's gone now, though." I just realized that Elijah had no way of knowing that she died three years ago.

    "I'm sorry," he says softly. "My dad, he... he found out... about... what was going on between us..."

    "How?"

    "He just sorta... figured it out..." I'm sure there's a little more to it than that, he just doesn't want to tell me. "He hated you for... making me like this... and he would treat me like I was some sort of f*****g freak... he would yell at me... sometimes he'd call me a sodomite... tell me I was going to hell, all the same bullshit you'd hear from your typical homophobic parents... it was awful." I can literally see tears streaming from his eyes.

    "Damn, he really was a cunt, wasn't he?"

    "And at the time, I thought he was right. I felt disgusted in myself, because of him... as if I didn't feel that way already. He just made me feel a thousand times worse."

    "Elijah... I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

    "Doesn't matter. Now I'm married to a beautiful woman so it doesn't matter at all. My father would be proud." For some reason, that doesn't sound like healthy logic.

    "Well, I mean... you do love her, right?" Now I'm starting to get the impression that he's only married to her to prove to his father, and possibly to himself, that he's straight.

    He looks at me and hesitates for a slight second. "Yeah... yeah, of course I do." That didn't sound very convincing to me but I could just be biased because I personally have feelings for him, but who knows? What he just said completely changed the way I see their relationship now. Though I don't say anything about it aloud, as I don't want to upset him anymore than he already is.

    "Can I tell you a secret?" he asks me, and of course the answer is yes. "Sometimes I feel like she's... not feeling it anymore."

    Yeah, I don't know about that. I mean, she checks his messages and can't go to sleep until she knows he's safe in bed with her... but yet he thinks that she's "not feeling it anymore?"

    "What do you mean?" I ask him.

    "I don't know, man, she's just kinda weird... I mean, she acts like she's bored with me sometimes. Isn't that a bad sign for someone you've been married to for less than two years?"

    "I've noticed the opposite, actually. She seems a little too invested in you. Like checking your messages... waiting around for you... it's like she doesn't trust you in a way."

    "You're right, I feel like she doesn't trust me, which is weird because I've never given her reason not to. But then when we're together she acts really bored, like she'd rather be with someone else."

    "I don't know what to say, man. Something's definitely going on there, though."

    "I know right... what if my marriage is falling apart only two years in? We dated for four years before we got engaged, what if that was too soon?"

    "I don't know..." I seriously don't know what he wants me to say.

    "Goddamn, what the f**k should I do?" Is that rhetorical or was he actually expecting an answer from me, because I can't get involved in his marriage.

    "Are you... are you asking me?"

    He slightly nods his head affirmatively. Oh s**t!

    "Elijah, I... can't help you with something like this. Your marriage is something you have to work out on your own."

    "Oh f**k that, man! You're my best friend and I trust you. Just tell me what the f**k I should do!"

    "Given our relationship history, I would never presume to—"

    "Do you still have feelings for me, is that why you don't want to intervene?" He cuts me off and I'm suddenly terrified to answer that question. My heart sinks and I feel as though my throat is closing up.

    "I just don't think I'm qualified to give you marriage advice, that's all," I answer, dodging the question with every effort.

    "You didn't answer my question." Oh, f*****g s**t!

    I simply exhale deeply, and answer the question falsely, "No..."

    "I don't believe you."

    "What the f**k does it matter, man? You're f*****g married, why should you give a s**t whether I still have feelings for you or not?"

    "So you do? Seriously man, after all this time?"

    I frustratingly get up from the sand and abandon the conversation. 

    "Where you going?" I hear him shout from behind me.

    "I wanna leave," I respond, not even turning back to face him... though I probably should wait for him seeing as I won't be going anywhere without him since he's the one who drove me here. 

    He quickly catches up with me, and places his hand on my shoulder. "Why were you afraid to tell me?" He stupidly asks me. Why the f**k do you think?

    "Because everything's different now. You've moved on... and I guess I haven't. I see you now and I still feel the same way that I did when I was 18. Obviously you don't... so why the f**k should I tell you when I know that it won't amount to anything?"

    I guess I've left him speechless now because he doesn't verbally respond. Instead he wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly... and I f*****g dread the moment that I will have to let him go.