The Luna He Didn't Choose

Chapter 006

Logan replies, "You know, Lina always knew exactly what to do in these situations," in a low, reflective voice that is almost too informal for the seriousness of the statement.

The glass of water in my palm feels abruptly heavier than it should, and I freeze. I stand there, staring at the condensation on the glass as though it has the answers to all the questions I've been too scared to ask, as the warmth of the kitchen wanes.

Lina. Once more. Hearing her name gets old to me. I'm sick of being likened to the ghost of someone who has passed away years ago.

The sound of the glass clinking against the tabletop broke the silence as I placed it down with a bit more force than was required. I yell, "Lina isn't here, Logan," sounding sharper than I meant to. "You must stop bringing her up as though she's still—" The reminder hits me like a kick to the stomach, and I stop myself. She is no longer there. Furthermore, she will never return, regardless of how often he brings up her name.

A slight hint of shame flickers in Logan's eyes as he shifts, his stance hardening. He clears his throat, but the impact of what he has said cannot be undone. "Eli, I didn't intend it that way. I simply—

I interrupted him, letting my annoyance take control. "No. I understand exactly what you're saying. You speak of Lina as though she were flawless all the time. As if she were flawless. As if I'll never be able to live up to her expectations.

I can see the doubt in his eyes as his countenance wavers, a moment of bewilderment passing briefly across his face. He doesn't intend to harm me, but it's obvious that he doesn't realize the harm he's doing, regardless of how often we talk about it.

He takes a step closer and reaches out, but I pull away before he can touch me. "You know that's not what I mean," he says softly. It feels like an insurmountable abyss now that we have been separated for months.

I turn my back on him and take a few steps back, feeling as though my own feelings are pushing me over the edge. Logan, it doesn't matter. Every time you look at me, you'll see her. I will never be Lina. Never will I be the one who fits. The truth hurts more than I thought it would, and my voice breaks as I speak.

It is intolerable that he is silent. The unspoken words are dangling between us like a storm cloud that is about to blow, and I can feel the tension between us growing. But he only watches me, his eyes heavy with something, perhaps shame or sorrow, without saying a word.

He pauses for a long moment before whispering, "I never wanted you to feel like that." "You're not Lina. You're Eli. Additionally, you are sufficient.

However, the words don't sound real. None of it seems genuine because his voice is too labored and cautious, as if he had practiced it a thousand times. I'd like to think he's real. I want to believe that I am the one he desires and that I am sufficient. However, everything he does contradicts this. I'm reminded that Lina is still here—looming in the background of our relationship, a persistent presence in the space between us—every time he speaks of her as though she were flawless, and every time his eyes soften when her name is mentioned.

With my arms crossed, I gaze out the window, my breath obscuring the glass. Logan, I'm sick of hearing about her. I've had enough of being called a ghost.

Once more, but with a quieter tone, his voice pierces the quiet. "That is not how I want you to feel. But you must see that I loved her, Eli. I will always love her.

Once more, there it is. The whispered but never forgotten confession that always lurks beneath the surface. He cherished Lina. He would never love me as much as he loved her.

I mumble, "I know," the words hardly coming out of my mouth. I'm not sure if I'm attempting to persuade myself or him. "You loved her, I know that. But since I've changed from who I was before she, I'm not sure how to be the person you desire. I bite my lip and swallow the knot that has developed in my throat as my voice falters. I'm sick of acting as though it doesn't hurt. I'm sick of pretending that I'm not a second-class citizen.

Logan takes another stride toward me, and I stay put this time. He looks into my eyes as if he's trying to find a solution to whatever is wrong between us. However, I have no idea how to change it. I'm not even sure where to begin.

His voice is full of emotion as he declares, "You are not a second choice." "Eli, you are everything. You have always been.

I don't believe him, though. No more. Given that he continues to live in the shadow of an absent person, how can I? When everything he does shouts the opposite, how can I believe what he says?

The weight of everything left unsaid weighs heavily on my heart as I gaze at him. "So why does it seem like I'm constantly vying for your attention?" Before I can stop myself, the words escape my lips as I ask. Logan, why do you feel that I'm not enough?

He is silent for a long time. He simply looks at me while his face twitches in what appears to be pain, but it is only temporary because it is quickly replaced by that f*****g mask he so expertly dons.

I go on, my voice trembling, "I'm not the same person I was before." Additionally, I don't believe you are. However, you continue to cling to something that has vanished. Logan, I'm also sick of taking her place. I'm not Lina. My name is Eli. And I'm done acting like I'm not.

I see Logan's face stiffen and his eyes darken as the words linger like a bomb in the air. He murmurs, "I never meant to replace her, Eli," but his words lack conviction. "But you're not getting—"

I interrupted him, saying, "I understand more than you think." "I recognize that you are unable to let her go. And it's okay. However, I can no longer wait for you to pick me in the end.

I turn and go, leaving the room empty save for the sound of my footsteps.

The days that follow are a haze of stress and quiet. Logan never comes near me again, and he never looks at me when we meet. However, I feel as though I've made a mistake. I've said inappropriate things and pushed him too far. However, the more I consider it, the more I see that unless I advocate for myself, nothing will change.

I must get his attention. Not the girl who has been living in Lina's shadow, but me.

As I lay in bed that night, my mind keeps going back to our chat. And then my phone buzzes as I'm about to fall asleep.

Logan has one new message.

Come to the lake with me. We must speak.

Uncertainty grips me as I hesitate. Now, what could he possible desire? However, my fingers move on their own, opening the phone and letting out a brief response.

I'll be present.

Long after the message has been sent, I'm still looking at the screen. This time, what will he say? And with everything I believed to be true now in jeopardy, what should I do?

The solutions are in store. However, I am aware that this meeting will alter everything as I close my eyes and allow the darkness to guide me.