Confessions of a Modern U’Makoti(BWWM)

Confession #16

Confession #16

I was on the highway when I got the news.

The news that would ultimately change my social life forever. It was sunset and my mother had decided to hitch a ride with me. I still had Aaron on my mind, I was flying both he and his parents in, was stressing me out more than I thought it would. They’d be at the hotel by the time I arrived and Malome would have dinner with us and hopefully by tomorrow morning I would have a price tag on my head. That’s if Lesego doesn’t turn up out of the blue like my mother promised.

Yes so when Nadia screamed through my car speakers, my car vibrated and the cars next to me hooted with the same enthusiasm.

“I’m engaged! Dimpho proposed!” She cheered, I could hear that she’d been crying from the occasional sniffing I’d heard.

“Oh my god! Where? When? How?” I screamed matching her joy. My mother laughed at our girlish celebration.

And Nadia went on gushing about the events of her evening while I drove. It was safe to say she loved the proposal. And once she finally clamed herself down, her voice still shook with happiness.

“So once you get back you’re going to help us plan,” It wasn’t a request, it was an order from Nadia’s imaginary best friend handbook, “And because my sister would disown me if you were my maid of honour, you’re going to be Dimpho’s. Plus she dibs you.”

“Okay great. Listen, I’m driving but I love you and congratulations. And we’ll talk wedding plan on Sunday night?” I squeaked with excitement as did she. And after a lot of trying Nadia finally hung up. My mother laughed to herself again.

“What’s so funny?” I asked as we entered Moopetsi.

“It’s just odd. Two women who couldn’t find men, decided to marry each other. And you can’t ever find a decent black boy so you went for a white one.” She laughed again. “You kids are just as odd as those youngsters who are overly dependent on their phones.”

I chose not to comment. It would result in a huge disagreement and I didn’t want that. Not when I had other things to worry about. Plus this was one of those times in my mother and I’s relationship where we were actually in a good way. Not to mention the fact that Dimpho and Nadia weren’t homosexual by choice nor was my terrible relationship with black men but attempting to explain that to my mother would be similar to teaching a camel German. It just wasn’t going to happen.

By the time we’d arrived at the hotel, I’d ignored a handful of my mother’s demeaning comments and swallowed them all with a fake smile because I still had to endure dinner with Aaron and his parents after this. I was exhausted. But after a shot of tequila, I was ready. I’d have Maria who could probably provide entertainment for me throughout the night.

But Maria wasn’t feeling well that night. So my only entertainment seemed to be an expensive bottle of wine. But the conversation went well, everyone was clearly on their best behaviour. Aaron had even done the pretend fiancé act quite well.

Pecking me on the cheek, giving me a giant hug when I’d arrived and even holding my hand. He’s worth every rand he’s being paid. And my uncle – who Wessel had mistaken for my father – wasn’t shooting my mother glances of endearment. He was fully focused on the matter at hand.

He’s explained the Lobola process and how the prossession would start early the next morning. We’d have alcohol, money (at least a couple of thousands) and fine cigars, he’d purchased as a method of both thanking my father and Bola Molomo (a way of making the actual discussion begin).

He’d prepped Aaron and Wessel on everything. From attire to speech to how to sit in the presence of my father. I’d underestimated just how big of a deal this all was. Maybe we aren’t ready for this. I thought, but there was no way I couldn’t be, the meeting had been arranged. My father was expecting Aaron.

“So, I’ll see both in the morning,” Malome smiled as both him and my mother exited the restaurant.

Leaving me with Aaron. Wessel had already gone off to the room. I sat still nursing my wine as Aaron cleared his throat.

“Thanks for the rooms. It’s really nice up here. “ I didn’t make eye contact, assuming from his tone he was nervous. I exhaled deeply before passing him an uninterested glare. He spoke again.

“So how was the drive up here?”

“You’re not trying to make small talk are you?” I still remained static as he gave a smile tight lipped smile with an innocent shrug. “Aaron, if you’re waiting for your payment-“

“Thati, actually I wanted to talk to you about that-“

“Listen I don’t care about what you have to say. Getting drunk right next to one of my ex-boyfriends has to be one of the saddest things I’ve done in my entire existence. Not to mention the fact that I’m paying you to be here, which is even more pathetic-“

“Thati-“ He spoke again but before I could starting getting angry or crying again, I couldn’t be in the same vicinity as him. It hurt too much and I was too intoxicated for this. But his eyes still gleamed a bright bluely-green and the fact that I still had feelings for this guys had me feeling like an i***t.

“I have to go.” I blurted out. “I should say hi to your mom before I leave. What’s her room number?”

“Triple one. Second floor.” He spoke curtly before downing his scotch.

I muttered a small ‘thank you’ before leaving him to his own devices. The journey to Maria’s room was a complex one. Hotel corridors seemed to be never ending pathways with a great view. Thankfully once I reached the room Wessel was exiting. He offered a small smile before asking for Aaron, he quickly hurried in Aaron’s direction.

I knocked timidly on the door. I knocked a second time after that and right before I was about to leave, the door swung open. Maria stood with her transparent tube filled self with toothy grin. She enveloped me into a tight embrace before pulling away, leaving me with minimal oxygen.

“Thati! I was hoping you’d stop by.” She spoke sweetly.

“Well I wanted to see how you were doing. Aaron said you weren’t feeling well.” She rolled her eyes at my response.

“Oh rubbish. They’re just being dramatic. I felt a little lightheaded. He and Wessel rushed me back as though my oxygen tank wasn’t thirty centimetres away. “ She waved her hands about dismissively as she ushered me in. “Would you like some coffee, you reek like an old alcohol.” She joked as she threw the words over her shoulder.

“Uhm sure. You need any help?”

“No, I’m capable of lifting a tiny hotel kettle. By the way, thank your parents for us for getting us such a lovely room. “ She handed me the a hot cup of coffee before sitting on the small sofa next to me. She gave me a serious look, I almost laughed before I realised that she wasn’t playing around.

“Thati, I love my son. And I know I won’t always be there to protect me, especially if he’s thinking with his second head. But I am concerned about you and your relationship?”

“What do you mean?” I spoke absently. Serious Maria was still new to me, so this conversation had to make use of the simplest English and most complex sentences.

“Well you’re very wealthy girl. And my Aaron – bless him – isn’t, but he cares enough about you to ensure a comfortable future. I just hope comfort is something you’re okay with.” She held onto my hand as she spoke again. “Also, your relationship is going at a rather fast pace. You two should maybe consider slowing down. Especially considering how you two fight like the most sexually frustrated lovers I’ve ever seen. “ I laughed at this, she could always add humour in the most unlikely places.

“I understand where you’re coming from Maria. I do. I just-I – Aaron and I hit a rough patch back at your house. And that had to be one of the worst feelings I’d ever experienced. “ Her eyes caught mine and in that moment I knew I wasn’t lying. It was impossible lying to someone with such warm glassy eyes. “ And when I’m with him, even though I’m pissed. It’s better than how I feel whenever I’m away from him. I guess what I’m trying to say here, is that I’m falling for your son,” Past tense. “And I don’t know what it’s like to fall in love but if this is it, it’s amazing. And I would never hurt your son.” I tightened my hold on her frail hands.

She smiled softly. “I’m happy to hear that.”

“And if it makes you feel any better. Romeo and Juliet was a love story over the course of three days. If you’re comparing us and them, we’re nothing.” It was her turn to laugh.

“It doesn’t. Those two died at the end, and I’d like it if my son were to bury me and not the other way around. Plus when I do die, I want you to be by Aaron’s side. He’ll need you.” Maria’s words were loaded with truth and had my heart sinking. I wasn’t sure I could follow through on such a heavy promise.

We chatted a little more after that before Wessel walked into the room. He jokingly ordered his wife to go to bed before- which after a lot of eye rolling and unladylike snorting -Maria complied. I imagined my parents having the same discussion, it would have ended after my father’s order. It was an odd culture shock that had me craving the same type of relationship. When I exited the room, I caught Aaron entering his. He was two doors down and hadn’t seen me.

His shoulders slouched as he exhaled deeply. Swaying from side to side drunkenly before laughing to himself. Finally when his door opened he entered and quickly closed the door. I couldn’t help but reflect on my words to Maria. At one point I was falling for him. At one point the question about the pace of our relationship didn’t matter to me because of my infatuation. At one point when I looked at him, it wasn’t a look filled with disgust but rather endearment of the highest degree. And now it was all gone.

And that hurt the most. The fact that I wasn’t enough but my money was.

I sniffed away the tears and drove home that night. Because hurt Thati couldn’t get anything done and she had to act as though she was a glowing bride the next morning. Although I didn’t sleep that night I woke up as though I’d drank a gallon of Red Bull.

I was shaking as I put my headdress on. I could hear the elderly women humming and cooking as I bit my lower lip. And when the sun finally rose and the ululating began I was dressed in my traditional Pedi attire. It was a blouse- Hele-with 70s-like puffy shoulder pads, the blouse loosly fitted around my bust but tighten around my stomach and had been pleated near the hem. It was a bright blue blouse with green, pink and yellow lining made with Shweshwe, it was a heavier material.

I wore glass beads as a necklace and on my ankles with white shoes. My ankles were heavy and shook with every step I took. And my skirt called attention like a bonfire. Although I was an oversized aline skirt- Motŝekelo- it was pink with horizontal multi-coloured lines running through it. One might think I overdid it, but I had to be dressed accordingly.

See when a women has more than one suitor, she must speak to the chief and decide on a suitor. This meeting with my uncle would be the main reason my father’s intentions would fail, that and the fact that Aaron/my Lobola would have to arrive as soon as the negotiations were done. Thankfully the price was set and my father could neither increase or decrease it. My phone ringing dragged me away from my mini panic attack.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hey, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You okay?” His words were comforting, I managed to calm down for a while.

“Yeah, how about you?” The question and lack of hostility in my tone must have caught him off guard because there was a long pause before he spoke again.

“Yeah, I am. Anyway, we’re about to arrive. I was just checking up on you. I’ll call you later or do you want to stop by the hotel tonight?”

“Uhm,” I pondered out loud. “Yeah, I’ll stop by. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Once he hung up the ululating picked up a pitch higher. Then it all came to a halt as though something was wrong. It was at least thirty seconds of silence before my mother’s unmistakable hollering signalled for everyone to continue celebrating.

It was a painstakingly slow day. And by the time I was called to my father’s study the sun had already set. I was escorted by a two older men; they wore suitors and had greying breads. The entire room was still as I entered and on one side of my father’s glass table sat Wessel, Aaron and Malome. And on the other side sat My uncle aka the chief, father and one of the elders from the village council – a friend of my father’s.

I kept my head bend as I knelt in front of the respectable men that graced my bloodline. Note the distain. My father was the first to speak with an booming demanding tone.

“Nthatile is this some type of joke?” His words shook the room. My uncle must of held him back, whispering something to him.

My uncle was an overweight man. He had a large beer-belly from all the African beer he’d indulged in. He was a tall bald man with a greying beard. He wore glasses and always had an air of wisdom surrounding him. He too had a warm smile but on very few occasions, the smile was usually reserved for Kea and I during our childhood. But today it made an appearance.

“Nthatile. The family’s first flower.” He always had a way of describing my significance to the family. He’d done it more often the older I got. This was his way of telling me I had to be an example to not just Kea but his other girl children (He was a polygamist) and all the other female children in the village. Something I failed at since, I left home for a job and not a husband.

I didn’t speak nor did I lift my eyes. I was the submissive, the weak one in the situation. And it sickened me. But this would be the last time, I’d ever have to go through any of this.

“I’m afraid we’ve got ourselves in a bit of a predicament. Lesego has offered to pay Lobola to the family and so has Aaron over here. They’re both fine young men. “ He paused. “But you must choose now. You can only wed one.” He coughed roughly. “So lift your head Nthatile and tell us who you chose.”

With that my head rose and my eyes immediately caught Aaron’s. He offered a heart-warming smile. A smile that assured me I was doing the right thing and that everything was going to be alright. I can’t tell you why, but I believed that smile.

“I choose Aaron, Kgoŝi.”

There was a slight hesitation on his side. I could see my father’s jaw tighten as my uncle cleared his throat. “Well then, I will alert Lesego’s family. I’m happy the Greys will be joining the family. You may leave now.” He waved me off dismissively.

I exhaled a deep breath. The first stage of my plan had me hyperventilating more than I’d expected. But Aaron still offered the endearing smile which I returned. At least an hour later, there was a knock at the door. I heard Aaron’s pull out of the drive way.

“Come in.” I’d already changed into a pair of sweets and a shirt. My father entered with a solemn expression. I rolled my eyes, I knew where this was going.

“Nthatile, what is the meaning of this?” His words were harsh whispers.

“The meaning of what?”

“Don’t you dare act stupid! I didn’t send you to all those private schools to not have a quarter of a brain cell to understand the damage you’ve done!”

I was caught back by his tone. Not only that by I was annoyed by it. “When you see me what do you see?”

“What?” His furrowed his eyebrows.

“When you see me, what do you see? Do you see some commodity that you can make business deals with? Or do you see me? Your daughter? The one you raised? The human! With feelings! “ He remained silent so I carried on speaking as at the top of my lungs. “Because that’s what I am. I thought for just a second. A nanosecond that you would have learnt from Tumi. Did you learn nothing ? Setting me up with people for money never works out. And I’ll be damned if you sell me off to Lesego just so you can make a profit! I am your daughter. And I just so happen to be in love with Aaron. And you’re not going to hurt him, his family or his business ever again or else – so help me God, you will never see me again. And I suggest you don’t take my threats lightly. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be spending the night at Aaron’s hotel room.” I rushed passed him, walking so fast I almost didn’t see the look of shock he had plastered onto his face.

I rushed to Aaron’s hotel room. The long corridor to his room didn’t have me thinking rationally. The long speech I kept replaying in my head had one particular line echoing; I’m in love with Aaron? No, I didn’t even know Aaron, and he’s doing his job, he’s getting paid tonight and- and he hurt me. I feel nothing for him. But when he opened his door, I had a sudden urge to kiss him or at least hug him. But I restrained.

“Hey Tig-Thati.” He smiled but I quickly brushed past him.

“Uhm… Uh-“ I went on like that for a straight minute before I finally found my words. “How much?”

“How about you pay me when all of this is over?”

“Uh… Yeah okay. “ I nodded my head absently. “How was the meeting?”

He too nodded his head aimlessly. His long hair brushed against his stubble covered cheeks. “Uhm, yeah. It was great. A bit tough to get your dad to start talking but I need to get 166 Nguni cattle as soon as possible. “

I bit my lower lip. “Okay…”

“You okay?”

“No, not really. I have to go book a room.”

His eyebrows furrowed as he took a few steps towards me. “You sure? You could stay here? I’ll sleep on the couch.”

He gave me a longing look that I’d been craving but I wouldn’t give me. Not when I was so close. “No, Aaron its okay. I’ll just get a room. Night.”