Confessions of a Modern U’Makoti(BWWM)

Confession #18

Confession #18

One of my biggest regrets at the Voster estate had to be the smallest of details of that day.

Aaron grandmother’s ring.

I couldn’t take it off. It felt wrong not to have it on my finger but at the same time it felt wrong to have it on. The ring isn’t for me, it’s for whoever is desperate enough to marry Aaron. This is a bit awkward considering how I am in fact pretending to marry him. So in theory, I am desperate enough to marry him.

And today, we have to take this circus act a step closer towards insanity by having our parents meet. The idea frightened me more than death. But there was an upside- if I could call it that- my beautiful niece; Mpho. She’d have a lot of questions. Questions that I wasn’t sure my faux relationship was ready for.

In all honesty I probably wasn’t ready for the day as a whole. But as my mother gleefully spoke, ‘There was no time to waste on panic’ and that’s exactly what I tried not to do. I busied myself with chopping carrots, setting up the table, choosing the correct China, rubbing Dineo’s belly and most importantly focusing on my darling four year old niece. And for a while I was calm until…

“So does Mmani love this man?” Mpho asked with her large doey eyes and her sweet toothy smile as I changed into a sundress. Dineo- althoughshe was on the phone- grew a sudden interest in this particular question.

I exhaled deeply. This Man that she was referring to had last seen me with dry tear streaks and running mascara. This Man hurt me and then went on to take my money. This Man was supposed to be posing as my fiancé but I couldn’t even utter his name. Aaron. And yes This Man had great qualities, he was funny and sweet, with bee-stung lip-

“Mmani Thati.” Mpho called again, in her adorable stripped picnic dress.

“Yes, sorry baby. Mmani loves this man very much.” I forced a smile, the words seemed to have no effect on her or her mother who now raised an eyebrow.

“You don’t look, like you’re in love?” Her eyebrows furrowed.

“Really, what do I look like?”

“You look sad. Like when Cinderella got locked in her room and she couldn’t try on the slipper.” She paused for a moment before tilting her head to the side. “Are you sad Mmani? “

I remained wordless for a second. I didn’t know how to answer that question without making her worried. Thankfully Dineo took my silence as a sign.

“Mphokie, go check on your father. Make sure his tie is matching mommy’s shoes okay?” She gave her daughter a dainty smile. And as though she’d been suddenly hit with amnesia, Mpho forgot our entire discussion and ran to look for her father.

I instantly felt lightheaded. My hands were shaking. And the ring on my finger simply winked in the sunlight. Dineo cleared her throat. She had a worried expression on her face. Sitting next to me she gave me a weak smile.

“He’s not hurting you, is he?”

Emotionally? Yes. But not as much as the ones before, so no. “God no. Look at this ring he gave me.” We both marvelled at the stone.

“A little small.” She giggled, but something on my face must have shown her how much it meant to me.

“It was his grandmother’s. He mother wanted me to have it. “I have her a soft smile. “It could be the tiniest stone on the plant and it would hold a lot more value than anything else he’d ever give me.”

“Well after that Lobola what more could you ask for?” She smiled back. “And now that he’s going to pay for you, all you have to do is be the darling wife. Pop out a baby or two and let him provide for you.” The moment was ruined. Dineo could sometimes be my saving grace but when her housewife lectures came on, I can’t help but cringe. A small part of me still believes that she’s actually not as airheaded as she sometimes portrays but its moments like these that leave me guessing.

“Yeah, you’re right.” I forced another smile. And before I could speak there was loud commotion. The sounds of cars hooting, drums and women ululating. I must have forgotten to mention, the entire village is here to see the arrival of my fiancé. They’re extremely dedicated to my family or just nosey.

Thankfully this wasn’t a traditional affair. My family decided for a daytime casual attire and thankfully so did Aaron’s (Because Maria called last night asking what they should wear). They parked in front of the house, in a car my mother sent. And each had a look of awe on their faces as the exited the car (I watched from the window).

And the introductions. They were lovely, and by lovely I meant forced from my side of the family and genuine from Aaron’s. My mother was warming and welcoming whereas my father… I can’t seem find a word for that level of distain. But Malome was there to pick up slack for him. And Hlogi and Dineo were just as friendly as one could be after hearing their sister was getting married after four months of dating. Good job to them! But Mpho was a bit more… Inquisitive.

She asked Wessel if he ate the moon to get a belly so big. A heart laugh and yes from Wessel satisfied her. She asked Maria if she could have a whiff of air through her tubes. Maria laughed and offered her a quick feel. (We all held our breaths hoping she wouldn’t kill the woman.) Then she asked Chloe a normal question; if she liked princesses? Chloe passed the bar by saying she did. And when it was finally Aaron’s turn she gave him a quizzical look and said;

“Are you the reason why Mmani was sad this morning?” Her arms crossed across her small chest.

“She was sad this morning?” Aaron exaggerated his words and his facial expression when talking to her, she laughed. She nodded. She loves him.

“I was just upset because I missed you so much.” I quickly redirected the conversation before Mpho could ask anything else. She seemed satisfied when she saw my hand clenching onto Aaron’s. He gave me a curt look of concern before turning back to our audience with a smile.

And throughout lunch it seemed that all Aaron and I could do was attract was an audience. As though everyone was taking shifts. Watching us. At first I paid it no mind. I focused on the carrots that I had clearly not chopped- thanks chefs- and the wine I was determined to finish. And on the odd occasion I would join in on the conversation then slip back out. I didn’t spare Aaron a glance.

And only when my mother suggested we take a tour around her prize winning garden, I realized that our audience had noticed the odd aura between Aaron and I. My brother was the first to raise his voice. He did it silently, tastefully and dragged me away from the group.

“Thati, do you even know this guy?” He raised an eyebrow.

“What?” I gasped, “Of course I do. I think the ring proves that.” I raised my hand, showcasing the gem.

He rolled his eyes. “You two are acting as though you’re on different sides of the world. Newly engaged couples don’t do that. Remember Dineo and I, when we first got engaged?” I couldn’t not forget anything from that horrifying week. They were all over each other and I was in the room next door. One of those nights, Mpho was conceived.

My facial expression must have been an indication of my understanding. “You two dated for just as long as we did. You should still be in the honeymoon phase. Now I don’t know who you’re trying to fool,” He sighed. “But little sister, you better work hard at it.”

Was he right? With that he simply walked away in the direction of group being led by my mother… And Malome. What the hell? I couldn’t even be bothered to be asking those questions now, not when I could see my father approaching from the corner of my eye. Aaron was just a few paces ahead of me, all I had to do was.

“Aaron!” I called a bit louder than expected. He quickly left the group and hurried towards me as if I was hurt.

“You okay?” He words laced with concern, he lifted his hands to cup my cheeks but retrained himself. My father slowly passed us, with sluggish strides.

“We need to talk.” The last time I uttered those words to this man, it didn’t end well. So I dragged us to an old set of jungle-gyms my father had put up for us as kids. There was a stone bench overlooking the entire plot our house was built on. Aaron didn’t sit when I did, he looked confused.

“Sit!” I urged, he sat at a comfortable distance.

“Hlogi said we don’t act like a couple.” I bit my lower lip. We were both quiet. Aaron then started cackling. I furrowed my eyebrows.

“It doesn’t take a rocket science to see that. Even Oom thought we were a bit odd. He thought it was our quirk. “He chuckled to himself.

I didn’t know if I was shocked or embarrassed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“When? While you were crying in my car? All those times you wouldn’t answer my phone calls or sms’s?” He almost sounded hurt, but then replaced it with a humourless laugh.

I remained silent until his laughter stopped. “So how do we fix this?”

Aaron sent me a look that had me rethinking my sanity. “Fix this? Thati, there is no fixing this. You hate me-“

“I don’t hate you.”

“That’s a laugh. You can’t even admit that you hate me. “There was another empty laugh. “Sometimes, I wonder why you even asked me to help you? There’s a huge barrier between us and you just want to act like we’re a couple.” He shook his head as though the idea was incomprehensible.

“What do you want me to say Aaron?” He remained silent. “ Do you want me to tell you that I was desperate? Cause I was. Do you want me to tell you that at the time I still had feelings for you and believed this could work? Cause I did.” In a bid to not get emotional, I bit my lower lip. “Do you want me to tell you that after the way you broke up with me, I wasn’t hurt? Because I was-“

He rolled his eyes, focusing them intently on me. “It’s always about you! I’m here for you! I’m doing all of this for you! I can’t sleep half the time because of you!-“

“What are you even talking about! You took my money! This is all about the money for you!”

His face fell and all the intensity that was once in his eyes went dull. “Money? Like hell this is about money. This is about you and the fact that you can’t comprehend anything that’s beyond you. Like the fact that we all have lives beyond you! And the fact that you’re not the only one with emotions and feeling here. And the fact that this all could have been real! That ring on your finger. This day. The feelings. We wouldn’t have to act if your father contacted me and –“ His entire speech halted. He froze and my eyebrows furrowed.

“My father did what?”

“Forget it. I have to go.” His words lingered as he slowly backed away. I called after him but carried on walking. And when I tried to run after him, he simply keep going. Not even noticing me. My attempts were futile. And soon Aaron was in the car. In a matter of seconds, the car itself was out of sight.

And to be honest I was too exhausted to cry. I was just frustrated. And my father’s low chuckling didn’t assist my inner emotional turmoil. I felt his hand on my shoulder and instantly cringed.

“Where’d he go?” He voice showed no inclination that he was actually interested.

“Please don’t act like you care.” My voice reflected my mind. I was done with fighting for the day.

“Thank God. “ I could hear the haughtiness dripping off his words. “You deserve so much better. “

“Yes because Lesego is such an upgrade.” I rolled my eyes.

“Careful.” He warned in an icy tone. “Let’s not act as though your little coward is any better. At least Lesego brings money.”

“You’re unbelievable.” I sighed.

“And you’re not in love with that man.” I paused. He noticed my stance. “My little Naledinyana, I guess it must be a family thing. Your Malome did it.”

“Malome? Did what?”

“He loved the poor; the leeches. He threw away the name he was born into. He even tried to talk your mother into marrying for love. They were such good friends.” He reminisced coldly. “But your mother was smart. You however, I’m not so sure about. You don’t even love the boy and yet you want to marry him. A strange way of defying your father.” He gave a tight lipped smile. “I just hope it works out. “

With that he left. And a cold shiver ran up my body. He knows.