WHY WE STOP TALKING

WHY HE SHUTS DOWN AND WHY SHE KEEPS TALKING

If you have ever wondered, "Why is my husband quiet when I just want to talk?" or "Why does my wife keep talking when I just want peace?" Go through this carefully . You are not alone. Nowadays most couple always complained about this same pattern. She talks more, he talks less. Then she feels ignored, he feels nagged. Both feel unloved.

The truth is, neither of you is wicked. You are just trying to love each other with two different languages.

**WHY HE WENTS SILENT#

Most men in our culture were not raised to talk about feelings. From small, a boy is told, "Don't cry. Be a man. Handle it." So when he grows and becomes a husband, he carries that training into his marriage. When there is a problem, his instinct is not to talk about it. His instinct is to solve it silently, or to retreat and think alone.

When you say, "We need to talk about us," what he hears this, "You have failed. You are a bad husband." Because he ties his worth to being a good provider and protector, any conversation about problems feels like an attack on his manhood. So he shuts down. Not because he does not care, but because he cares and does not know what to say without making it worse. So he decided to choose silence as his best shield to avoid extra problem.

Another reason he shuts down is exhaustion. Many men in Lagos today are under serious pressure. Fuel price, school fees, rent, family bills from wife, kids, even his own siblings or parents. He leaves home at 5am, comes back at 9pm in traffic. His brain is full. When he enters house, he does not have emotional energy to discuss why didn't you buy bread when coming or why didn't you call at lunch. He just wants 30 minutes of silence to breathe so he could focus and be stable again. But because you have been waiting all day to talk, his quiet feels like rejection to you.

One man, 38 years old, told me, "I love my wife. But sometimes when she starts talking about everything at night, my head is already full. I go quiet because if I open mouth, I will say something harsh and I don't want to hurt her. So I keep quiet."

That quiet is not lack of love. It is fear of causing more damage by saying what he doesn't mean.

**WHY SHE KEEPS TALKING **

Now, why does she keep talking? For most women, talking is not nagging. Talking is connection. When a woman loves you, she wants to share her day, her worries, her small wins. When she says, "You didn't tell me about your day," she is not trying to control you. She is saying, "I miss you. Let me into your world."

Many women also use talking to process pain. When she repeats a story about how your mother spoke to her, or how you ignored her call, she is not trying to punish you. She is trying to make you understand how deep the hurt went. She talks again and again because the first time, she did not feel heard. She thinks, "If I explain better, maybe he will finally hear me." The best way woman love explaining there feelings sometimes is by saying things in their mind out so it will relieve them.

A 32-year-old mother of two told me, "I know I talk too much sometimes. But when I am quiet, he does not ask what is wrong. So I talk, because at least when I talk, I know he knows I am hurting."

For her, silence is more painful than argument. Silence means, "We are becoming strangers because strangers don't communicate.

**SO HOW DO YOU BOTH MEET IN THE MIDDLE ?

You cannot force a quiet man to become a talkative man overnight. And you cannot force a talkative woman to become silent. What you can do is create a new way that respects both.

**1. For the woman who wants him to talk:**

Do not start a serious conversation when he just entered the house. Give him 20-30 minutes. Let him eat, breathe, change cloth. Your expression should be calm. Then say, "When you are ready, I want to share something for 10 minutes only." When you give him a time limit, his brain relaxes. Ten minutes feels possible. "We need to talk" feels endless and scary.

Also, start with compliment, appreciation and words support before complaint. "Thank you for working so hard for us. I appreciate it. God will continue to bless your income. Those words could make him feel relaxed, not tensed up and gets closer to you. " When he feels appreciated first, his shield comes down. Every being loves been appreciated for every little thing.

**2. For the man whose wife needs to talk:**

Understand that you don't have to fix everything she says. Sometimes she does not want solution. She wants presence. When she says, "My boss insulted me today," don't say, "You should have resigned." Just say, "That must have hurt you. I'm here. Tell me more." That one sentence — "Tell me more" can save your marriage that night.

And learn to say small things. You think love is big money and big house. For her, love is often in small sentences: "I noticed your new hair." "Your mood is off when you came back from work" "How did your presentation go?" "I prayed for you today." These small talks build the bridge for big talks.

**LESSON OF THIS CHAPTER **

He shuts down because he is afraid to fail you and hurt your feelings. She keeps talking because she is afraid to lose you. Both fears come from love, not hate.

Before sleeping do this tonight: Ask your partner, "When I go quiet, what do you think? And when I keep talking, what do you feel?" Listen without defending. Just listen. That one words goes a long way more than you can imagined.