All The Ways He Didn't Look At Me

Chapter Nineteen The call she doesn’t make

Abby’s POV

I stayed on the floor for a long time after Jordan slammed the door shut. I wasn’t crying and I couldn’t make an attempt to move even if I wanted it to

I just sat there beside my bed with one hand pressed against my cheek while my thoughts dragged themselves in several circles.

The lamp beside my desk cast a full yellow glow across the room, catching the end of my open backpack, the hoodie draped over my chair, the broken zipper on my makeup pouch.

It all still looked so ordinary and I was just sitting on the floor wondering if maybe I really did deserve this.

My chest tightened at the thought. Jordan’s voice kept replaying

“You always want attention from people who do not want you. You make it hard.”

I swallowed hard as I tried to stand. The bathroom light made everything worse, the bruise along my cheekbone had deepened into something ugly and purple under my makeup. My lower lip was split slightly

I took a hard look at my tired reflection staring right my back at me from the mirror

I was soul tired

A memory surfaced unexpectedly.

Noah standing in my dorm dorrway days ago, drenched from the rain. H is eyes landing on my face and the way his jaw hardened instantly.

My squeezed my eyes shut

No no, there is no way I was thinking about Noah right now.

That was dangerous territory yet my body betrayed me because as I walked back into my room and looked directly at my phone. The ache started immediately, I hated him for how visible he made me.

I sat on the edge of my bed and picked up my phone before I could stop myself, my fingers already knew where his number was. The screen glowed dark against the dark room.

Noah Fisher

I stared at it

One call

For some stupid reason, I knew he would answer even after everything, the tension, the insult, Anna

God

Especially Anna

I dropped the phone onto the bed.

What was wrong with me?

Seriously

Jordan hits me and somehow I end up thinking about Noah?

About his hands gripping the steering wheel

The way he looked at me sometimes like he wanted to shake me and kiss me at the same time

I pressed both palms against my eyes hard enough to hurt. “You’re loosing your mind.” I whispered to myself

I picked the phone up again. This time I opened the messages instead, our conversation look almost empty, the last thing there was still my message from days ago.

“The call was a mistake.”

I opened the keyboard, my thumbs hovered uncertainly. What was I even supposed to say?

Jordan hit me again?

I think something is wrong with me?

Humiliation flooded me instantly

Noah would probably think I was ridiculous especially seeing as I didn’t inform him before leaving his end

I still typed anyway

“Hey, are you awake?”

I stared at the words for ten seconds exactly then deleted them

Typed again

“Hi, I know it’s late but…”

Deleted

Typed again

“Hey, Can I ask you something?”

Deleted

My chest hurt physically now because breath every version of the message was the real thing i could never just say out loud

Please make me feel less alone right now

The thought nearly broke me open

I threw the phone across the bed like it burned

Then I stood up and began paving from one end of the room to another, back and forth, my mind split itself in half, one side screaming

“Dont do this.”

And the other screaming

“But he came the last time you did.”

And to be honest, I hated how much it mattered to me that he came. A tear slid down my cheek before I noticed it then another

And suddenly I was crying again

I simply just allowed all the tears from my exhaustion slip out, I didn’t stop them for any reason, I just sat back slowly and pulled my knees to my chest.

I stared at the phone sitting beside me and imagined Noah answering, I imagined his silence first

Then maybe

“What happened?”

And I knew just then that if he asked me in the right tone, I would tell him everything but the thing with Noah, he barely asked any questions and somehow he still managed to drag the truth out of me every time.

I wiped my face roughly

Nah, I can’t do this.

I could not remain the girl who ran to another man every time her relationship shattered, I couldn’t be some weak in another new but overly humiliating way. And deep down, beneath all of my confusion, my longing and hurt, there was one simple truth i could not escape,

Noah hated me, maybe not fully, and perhaps not cleanly but it was enough, it was f*****g enough to hurt me as much as he did

His hate for me was just enough to bring another woman home while I sat waiting for him like an i***t. It was enough for him to call me dumb in front of his girl. These were things people did not do when they cared

So exactly what was I doing sitting her wanting him to call me? I picked up the phone one last time, opened his contact and allowed my thumb do that hovering thing over the call button then very slowly, I locked the screen instead

I sank completely into the dark room afterwards, my chest tightening with each breath I took.

I curled under the blankets without changing out of my clothes. Deep down as I laid there, I knew one devasting truth; I did not want Noah because he was kind, I wanted him because when he looked at me, even with hate, I existed completely

And after years of feeling invisible and going unnoticed, that was the closest to love I had ever been.