All The Ways He Didn't Look At Me

Chapter Seven The Things That Break Quietly

Abby’s POV

I arrived my dorm finally, shutting the door behind me a little faster than normal

For a second it feels just right to simply stand there, back pressed against the wood. Fingers still wrapped around the handle, my breathing uneven

Home right?

That’s what this is supposed to be but it doesn’t feel like it

The room looks exactly the same, my unmade bed, my desk cluttered with books I haven't had the strength to read, the soft hum of the mini fridge in the corner, everything was just the way I had left it but it still felt like I didn’t belong here, it felt like I had lost something

My legs finally gave in, carrying me forward until I sank into the edge of the bed. I stare at my shaky hands

Funny how I hadn’t noticed before now

I press them together, trying to calm them but the tremor only worsens. Something tight coils in my chest. No please, not now

I have held it together this long, pretty sure I could do more

But the moment i lie back against the bed, Sharon but at the ceiling something snaps

It starts small at first and then suddenly I’m crying

Ugly, loud and messy tears I couldn’t wipe away quickly and pretend like it never happened

My body folds into itself as the sons rip through me, my fingers clutching the sheets

“Dad…”

The word breaks on my lips as fresh tears blur my vision, I press my face into the pillow, my shoulders shaking violently

“He’s really gone,” I whisper, my voice cracked under the weight of it

Throughout the funeral I had been everything everyone needed me to be. But now there's no one here. It hurts

God, it hurts

The grief crashes over me in waves, pulling me under. dragging me deeper and deeper until I can’t tell where one emotion ends and where another begins

Because it’s not just my dad

It’s everything…

Jordan

The thought of his name makes something twist in my chest. “How did I let it get this bad?”

Its crazy how I had always seen it but I had simply refused to accept what I already knew

The way he spoke to me

The way he looked at me

Like I was an object he owned, something he tolerated and never someone he chose

A bitter laugh slips through my tears

“Yet he chooses a new person every other day”

It was the kind of excuses and lies i allowed myself to believe that disappointed me

How I allowed myself believe I had to be grateful that he stayed, how he made me believe I was never and would never really be enough for anyone

My fingers tighten around the sheets as another sob tears through me. My chest aches as I realize he wasn’t even wrong

I wasn’t enough for Jordan

I didn’t mean enough to my brother for him to notice something was wrong

And then there was him

Noah

My breath stutters, more tears spill over, slower this time but deeper

“I don’t even know what you are to me,” I whisper, my voice trembling

And that’s the worst part

My heart clenched painfully

“I was right there,” I breathe, the memory slicing through me again. “You brought someone else… while I was right there.”

The humiliation burns all over again, the stupid reminder of my place returns

Tears slip into my ears as I stare blankly at the ceiling

“I hate that it hurt,” I admit softly because it shouldn’t have

He owes me nothing

I knew this but it still hurt anyway

My crying slowly fades into quiet sniffles, my body exhausted from the storm of it all but at least, my heart feels a little lighter now. My eyes drift to my phone, I decide within myself just to be sure I wasn’t about to make a stupid decision

Then, slowly, I reach for it

My fingers hover over the screen before unlocking it, my chest tightens as his name comes into view

Noah

Even seeing it does something to me, something I wish it didn’t

I swallow hard and tap on the message icon

The blank screen stares back at me

What do I even say?

My fingers tremble slightly as I start typing

Last night…

I stop

Delete it

Start again

The call was a mistake

I pause, staring at the words

They feel wrong but also necessary

I continue

You don’t have to worry about me

I feel a familiar pain in my chest as I type

And please, don’t tell Wes about what happened

Not like Wes cared if I live or die

I read over the message once

Twice

Three times

Each time, it feels like I’m pushing something away

My thumb hovers around the send button and for a slight second. I hesitate

Then, I press it

The message delivers instantly

And just like that, it’s done.

I drop the phone onto the bed nightstand beside me, my heart beating too fast for something so simply

Now I wait

Seconds pass, then minutes

Nothing

No reply

No typing bubble

I didn’t even know if he had seen it or not

I let out a slow breath, staring at the ceiling again. “Of course,” I whisper

Why would he respond?

More than anything, I hated this stupid ache in my chest that won’t just go away. I wish I didn’t care and honestly, I shouldn't, it was all just too much.

I turn to my side, pulling the blanket around me, trying to ignore my feelings

To ignore him but as I close my eyes, one thought refuses to die in the silence

Unwanted

It was painfully clear

If this was a game between myself and Jordan I think I had been losing to him before I even knew I was playing… somehow he had given me answers to questions I didn't know I was asking.