Living on Borrowed Time

Chapter Fourteen

Yep, it was official. I was drunk. All of my vows to behave on this date, to make a better impression than the shitty one I made last time had flown out of the window a long time ago. I was drunk, and acting kinda stupid, and I was slowly getting the impression that I was pissing Charlie off.

“What’s wrong?” I finally slurred in his direction, wishing I could make myself sound less like a d**k. I wasn’t sure how many glasses of wine I’d had by that point, but I was certain that I’d passed the stage of one-too-many a fair while back.

“I don’t...” He started, before giving me a look that I couldn’t quite decipher. “I don’t know.”

“It it coz I’ve drank too much?” I could hear the weird deeper tone to my voice, the one that suggested I wasn’t quite myself. I didn’t like this one bit—the last time I’d been drunk it was fun, this felt more like a chore. Yet somehow, I was too far gone and I couldn’t quite find the way to stop myself. “I’m sorry; I never normally touch booze, so...” I completely lost my trail of thought, so I blinked a few times trying to get it back, probably making myself look like even more of an i***t.

“No, no.” He smiled weakly at me. “You’re kind of sweet when you’re drunk.” He touched my arm gently, sending a fission of excitement racing through my body. I shifted myself closer to him, wishing that I was in an appropriate place to press myself up against him and kiss him once more—with all of this alcohol in my system, my desire for Charlie ran uncontrollably free. “It’s just...every time I ask you something about yourself, you completely avoid the question.” I rapidly pulled away, as a heat filled my cheeks as his words. He was right, of course he was, but I didn’t know how to get out of that funk. Especially not after what happened with Amy. I was so afraid of letting everything, and for him to just reject me, “Is it because you think I’m just after you for one thing?”

Oh my God. He was still upset about my idiotic comment about him being accustomed to one night stands. How the hell was I going to get out of that one without making myself sound even worse?

“No, no. It’s not you. Not at all. It’s just...” I sucked in a deep breath of air, but that just resulted in making my head spin more. “It’s me.” I heard myself admitting, but almost as soon as I’d started I felt my insides coil with stress, and my mouth zipped itself firmly shut once more.

“Please, tell me what it is.” He pleaded. “Something is bothering you. There’s something that you’re holding back.” He gripped my hands tightly. “You can trust me, you know.”

Trust.

I wanted to trust him so damn badly, but with trust came vulnerability and I’d spent so long holding myself in that I didn’t know how to do that. I hadn’t even fully let Kimberly in, not really. Sure, she knew some, but I hadn’t completely let go around her. I was still keeping the true Lara—whoever the hell that was—firmly hidden away from the world.

“I don’t...” I shook my head, pulling away from him. I felt like I was about to cry, and I didn’t want him to see that. This was all happening far too quickly for my liking. This was supposed to be the fun-loving, exciting first date. Why was he insisting on trying to get in to all of this heavy stuff? Why couldn’t he just leave it alone? Couldn’t he sense that I really didn’t need any of it?

“Lara,” he moved back away from me too, creating what felt like a massive distance between us. “If you’re going to hold back from me like this, then there’s no point in us hanging out...or whatever it is we’re doing. We just can’t...”

“What do you mean?” I jumped in, starting to feel really angry. This was mental; he was being completely and utterly unreasonable. “Why are you so interested in all of this stupid deep stuff? Why can’t we just have fun?” My tone was bitchy and annoyed, but to be honest that was exactly how I felt.

“Dating is supposed to be about getting to know each other. That’s supposed to be a part of the fun.” Charlie was starting to get wound up too, and it was plastered all over his expression. For some reason, this simply resulted in irritating me even further.

“Does it have to be at your pace? Why can’t we just do things slowly?” I felt my entire body seize up at that moment. I had the horrible feeling that he was going to sneer at me and tell me that I certainly hadn’t been taking things slowly the last time we’d met, when we’d jumped in bed together, but luckily he didn’t. I had to respect him for that.

“I don’t know what to say Lara.” He began to look weary.”I really like you, a lot. But I don’t see how this can work if you won’t open up to me at all.” He paused, staring at me for a brief second before continuing. “Do you want me to open up first? Will that help? Okay sure,” I knew that he was trying to say the right thing, but his snippy tone was making this more of an argument than a heart-to-heart. “I was in love once, when I was much younger, but she was bad news.” I started to feel sick, not wanting to hear the rest of the story at all. “She was older than me, much more used to relationship manipulation than I was. Her friends were awful, and she wasn’t any better—but I was blinded by my feelings. I couldn’t see her bad points at all. Everyone else could, and they delighted in telling me, but this just made me bury my head in the sand even more.”

“Please stop,” I whispered. I really didn’t want to know anything about his life, not yet, not when it would result in him pressuring me to return the favour. But of course, he totally ignored me.

“Eventually, they started me on a slow decent into drink and drugs—the same path they were on—totally screwing up my school education.” I tried to picture that version of Charlie, but I couldn’t see it at all. “I became nothing more than a loser, and I don’t mind telling you that I’d still be that person today if I hadn’t walked in on her screwing two other guys at once, two of her friends.”

I gasped audibly, unable to imagine that happening in real life. “That must have been...”

“Awful, yes.” He sent me a weak smile. “But the worst moment of my life also became my best. It made me get rid of the lot of them, and get the motivation I needed to get my own home and start up my business. So even though I hate her for the hurt she put me through, I’m also glad. She taught me some much-needed life lessons.”

“Wow,” I was utterly gobsmacked. What do you say to a revelation like that?

“I don’t tell people that,” he said sincerely. “That’s a part of my past that I don’t like to reveal, but if it helps you talk to me, to let me get to know even a tiny part of you, then it’s worth it.”

He stared at me, waiting for me to say something, but even though I knew I should give him what he wanted—especially after that—my lips were sealed tightly shut. I knew the second I opened my mouth, I would burst into tears, and I couldn’t bear that. I didn’t want him to see me sobbing, not at all.

But I didn’t want to lose him either...

“Okay, fine.” He scraped his chair backwards, and stood up, realising that I still had no intention of speaking. “This is getting us nowhere. I guess I’ll see you around Lara.”

I wanted to scream and yell out as he turned his back on me and walked away, but I sabotaged myself and remained silent. There was just something inside of me that was holding me back and I couldn’t shake it off, however desperate I was to do so.

I sat stunned for a few moments, trying to decide on my next move. The thought of going home by myself to stare at the crack in my bedroom ceiling was far too depressing, so I did the next best thing and headed to the bar. I no longer had any worries about my behaviour because I’d just lost everything, so why not do something to make myself feel better instead?

An hour past, and I found myself still sat in the same seat, nursing yet another glass of wine. I’d been in tears on and off throughout the night, and it didn’t seem like drowning my sorrows was working for me at all. I felt worse than ever.

“Hey.” A gruff-sounding voice broke through the mental barrier I’d created around myself.

It was wholly unwelcome, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get away with just completely ignoring him, so I forced myself to reply in a monotone voice. “Hi.”

“What’s a pretty little thing like you doing drinking alone?” This question caused me to shoot him an awful look. God, did that sort of thing really work on people? He seemed to take my non-answer as an invitation to sit down, and I just couldn’t be bothered to argue with him. I was too mentally exhausted for any more altercations. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound sleazy then. I didn’t realise you were upset.”

This unexpected statement caused me to take more notice of him. As I looked up, I could clearly see that he was a lot older than me—he was likely mid-to-late thirties—but he had a kind face too. He was wearing a business suit, with a tie half untied—probably because he had only just finished work—and he had a splattering of stubble over his chin. His twinkly bluey-green eyes glittered as he smiled, but that didn’t make me warm to him. I’d just been blown off, because of my own actions, and I wasn’t ready to make small talk with someone else. He may have been cute in an older-guy kind of way, but I wasn’t in the mood for anyone.

“S’okay.” I muttered, hoping that would be enough to deter him for the time being. Of course, my luck had completely run out because it didn’t.

“Do you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you?” He asked, causing my hackles to rise once more. I’d already been through this once; there was no way I was doing it again. Why couldn’t everyone just leave me be? Couldn’t people tell that talking was the last thing I needed?

“No.” I snapped, much harsher than I intended.

“Okay.” He replied simply, sounding far too breezy for my liking. “Let’s talk about something else instead. Who do you think would win in a fight, Spiderman or Batman?”

A laugh unexpectedly burst from my chest at this. He’d done exactly what I’d wanted Charlie to do. He’d completely ignored my awkwardness, and changed the subject to something fun and light-hearted instead. I found myself wanting to continue this chat, to go down the path that tonight should have done.

“Well,” a grin spread across my face. “I would say...Spiderman...” which of course started the most spirited debate of all time.