Love Me Then, Love Me Now

Confrontation

I smiled at the fond memory. But it made me even more sad at my new reality. The man I had spent the last eight years of my life with decided that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. What am I supposed to do about that? I don’t even know what provoked such a thing in the first place. We hadn’t been having any fights lately and our love making was always top tier. I always made sure he had a home cooked meal when he’d come in from work and we had a date night at least once a week to keep the romance alive and it seemed to have been working all of these years so why now? I was determined to find out. i wiped my face and brushed my teeth. I walked into my bedroom and over to the closet and pulled out my nicest but casual dress. Jerry had gotten it for me on our third anniversary and I had only wore it one time after that but I remember him telling me how much he loved me in it. I pulled my hair up into a messy bun and let little tendrils of hair fall down the sides of my face. I pulled on the black dress that came with a high slit on the side. It was off the shoulder and came down just past my knees. I put on some short but fierce heels, and a perfume that i knew made him feral every time he would smell it on me. Once he took me right there up against an elevator wall after smelling the perfume on me. I smiled at the thought. I put on a necklace that he also gifted me on another special occasion and put on a nice plum shade of lipstick and topped it off with a pinch of gloss. I grabbed my keys and a matching jacket. I checked myself out in the mirror one last time and i smiled at myself. This was one of the rare moments where i felt confident in my skin and knew that i looked good even for a chubby girl like me. I walked out the door and got into my car and began driving to his office. It was the one place I could think of that I knew he would be. I drove the whole way there in silence. I kept thinking that I was crazy for deciding to show up at his place of work but I needed to know why he suddenly wanted a divorce. I pulled into the office parking garage and parked. I looked for his car and saw it parked in his usual spot so I knew I was right in guessing that he would be at work. I took the elevator up the lobby and walked up to the front desk. The security guard looked up at me and smiled warmly. “Hello Mrs.Clarke. How are you doing today?” I smiled back at him and said, “I’ve been better Frank but happy now that I see your face.” He laughed and pointed at the elevator. He’s up in his office ma’am. It’s nice to see you here. Come by more often.” I walked to the elevator and pushed the button and waitied anxiously for the doors to open. I stepped inside and pushed the button for the top floor. As i went past each floor, my heart began racing faster and faster. By the time the doors opened, to let me off, I’m pretty sure I was in complete panic mode. I rushed to the bathroom and splashed a little water on my face to calm my nerves. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and I could see the uncertainty in my eyes. I closed them and took a deep breath and calmed myself down enough to do what I came for. I walked out the bathroom and headed for my husband’s office. It was the nicest and biggest on the floor, so finding it wasn’t hard. I stopped before walking in. I see my husband at his desk looking at his computer with his brow furrowed in a way that tells me he’s deeply concentrated. I shook off what little jitters I could and walked into his office, closing the door behind me. Jerry looked up from his computer and I saw his face turned to a look of surprise. Without a word, I pulled down the blinds over all of his windows so that no one could see inside. I turned around and just stared at Jerry for what felt like an eternity. He finally spoke and said, “Nicki, what are you doing here?” I almost scoffed as I said, “Do you really not know the answer to your question?” He signed and rubbed his forehead. “I thought I made myself clear last night on what I wanted Nicki. Please do not make a scene at my place of business.” I chuckled in disbelief. “You came home last night and dropped a bomb on me about suddenly wanting a divorce and all you can say to me is to not cause a scene at your job?? Are you kidding me right now?” I walked around to where he was and pulled him away from his desk to look at me. “ Tell me why you’re doing this. Why do you suddenly want to divorce me after eight years of being together. I thought we were happy. What happened?” He looked away and sighed. “I really can’t discuss this with you Nicki. Just know that this is for the best. This is the only way and I need you to trust me on that.” I scoffed and asked, “Trust you?! You say you want a divorce with no explanation and you’re asking me to trust you? Is there someone else?” Anguish flashed in his eyes at the accusation but it was only for just a second and then it was gone. His jaw became steely and I knew our conversation had come to an end. “ The divorce papers will be delivered to the house in the morning. You may go over them with a lawyer if you like. There is nothing else to be discussed.” He sat back down in his chair and turned back to his computer and didn’t say another word thus telling me that I was dismissed. I left his office feeling more defeated than I did walking in. I went to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall and cried for what felt like hours. I heard many people coming and going and once even knocked on the door to my stall but I just ignored everything. All I could keep thinking was that my life had fallen apart in the matter of a day and I did not know what I was going to do. I dont work because Jerry believed that men should provide and work and women should take care of house and home so he made me a housewife the minute we got married. Not that I minded. I was a jewelry designer for a major company and I had always felt like they never appreciated my hard work. The ceo never acknowledged me when we came into contact and all of my coworkers hated me because my designs got picked the most. I used to dream of owning my own jewelry company but hadn’t thought about it again once I married Jerry. I guess maybe I can revisit the idea since I’m getting a divorce now. I let out a bitter chuckle and wiped the tears from my eyes at the thought. I came out of the stall and looked at myself in the mirror. My mascara was runny and smeared all over my face. I took some paper towels and washed my face until I looked as normal as I could despite the bloodshot and swollen eyes from all the crying. I exited the bathroom and walked to the elevator. The blinds in Jerry's office were still closed so I could not see if he was still in there or not but I had no desire to find out after the conversation we just had. The doors to the elevator opened and I got inside. As the doors closed, I vowed that I would never see Jerry again. I left the building and drove home in silence. When I got home, I went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of wine. I gulped it down and poured another one. I took the bottle with me and sat on the couch. I sat there and drank and did nothing else for the rest of the day. Only thinking of when the divorce papers will get there, i just sat and drank.