My Uncle's Best Friend

3

That’s the difference between a boyfriend and a friend.”

“I know that!” I wail.

I sigh, slumping into the chair. “I just don’t want to anymore. I wish I could, and until 4 weeks ago, I was really good at pretending that I enjoyed it, and I could do that at least once a week. Maybe twice if I’m drunk enough, but recently, I just can’t.”

I gulp a large mouthful of wine.

“But why don’t you like it?” Cat asks.

I think for a second. ‘I get distracted. And bored. Now it kind of feels like a chore, like hoovering’.

“Distracted?” Cat repeats, distraught. “Hoovering?”

“Doesn’t your mind ever wander when you are having s*x?”

“Not really. I’m pretty much thinking about the task at hand.” She smirks at Stevie, and I grimace.

”So, what do you get distracted by?”

I try to think back. “The last time we had s*x, the Seattle office had an open issue that I just

couldn’t get resolved, so I -”

“You got distracted by work?” Stevie interjects, laughing his head off. “That poor bloke. It must be like having s*x with a cardboard box.”

I narrowed my eyes on him.

“Charlie,” she hesitates, “is it s*x or…sex with Ben?”

“What do you mean?” I return dismissively. “I love Ben obviously, so it’s nothing to do with him. It’s me.”

“Yes, but if you think about it, you also love Barney.” I cannot believe she has just compared my boyfriend to my old dog.

“Cat, that is the worst comparison I have ever heard. I mean, I know you and Stevie are being adventurous in the bedroom, but -”

“Why, why would you think that?” she snaps defensively. I never told her about the whip I found in her bedroom when I went in to borrow her purple top.

“Oh, you know you just seem like the adventurous type.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” she answers too quickly.

“Ben is coming round tonight.” Thinking about it, I take another large gulp of wine. If I get pissed, maybe I will get in the mood.

She thinks for a while. “OK, maybe you just need to spice things up a little. You are right; a couple can’t just do the same old boring thing and expect not to get a little complacent.”

“But what can I do?”

“Why don’t you try talking dirty to him?”

I’m listening. I have never really talked dirty to Ben before; it has just been a bit of ooh and aah put in for good measure.

I reach for my phone. Google will know what to do.

***

I hear banging on the door, and Cat goes to answer it. We have concocted a cunning plan of seduction. I’m in my bedroom in a fluffy pink underwear set that I bought from Ann Summers on sale. I’m draped across the bed. I hear him come to the bedroom door and arrange my bra, so the n*****s are peaking out.

“Charlie?” he knocks on the door.

“Enter,” I answer huskily.

He comes in and flings himself on the bed, head down into the pillows. “What a day! I’m exhausted.”

Great, he hasn’t noticed. I’m wearing my sexiest come-f**k-me outfit, and I feel like I have the s*x appeal of a slug in salt.

“Hey,” he looks up and laughs, “why are you dressed like that?”

I stare at him, appalled. Am I going to have to point out that I am seducing him?

I persevere. This must pay off, for I don’t have any money right now to introduce objects into the bedroom.

“We haven’t been together in a while, Ben.” I smile at him pointedly and push my breasts out.

“I know.” He gives me a dark stare. “You had that freak double period three weeks ago that lasted for two weeks, remember?”

Ok, so I did tell a little white lie about having my period. But surely all girls do it when they are feeling tired? After the roast, I was so stuffed as well, excuse my crudeness, but you really couldn’t have fitted anything else into my body.

“It has finished now.” I tug at his shirt and try to rip it off as sexily as possible except his head gets stuck and he has to help me.

What I don’t understand is that Ben is an attractive guy; I know that because I see other women looking at him in the street. I know I should fancy him; it’s just that I have lost the spark. The feeling of excitement in the pit of your stomach that makes you hold in your farts around them.

I started releasing my farts a few months into dating Ben.

“Ok.” He grins, his mood suddenly picking up. He tears off his clothes as quickly as he can; I guess I have sexually starved him these past few months, poor guy.

He scrambles onto the bed, and I climb on top, ready for the rodeo.

He’s not ready for me yet, so I take him in my hands.

I lean forward on the bed with my best glamour puss pout and start stroking.

He groans a sigh of approval. Yes, this b***h has still got it.

I can’t stop thinking about my credit card bill, though.

I have to pay it tomorrow, I keep forgetting.

Actually, maybe I should pay it immediately after this.

Yes, that’s what I’ll do. When we finish, I will pay the £200 that I owe Barclay’s. I should never have let it get this high.

Those bloody jeans I bought don’t even fit me, and I have 30 days to return them, and this must be what, day 26? I’ll need to do it tomorrow at lunch, but Mike has called that goddamn meeting about the company takeover at lunchtime tomorrow. Who is buying us? Stevie’s right. Maybe I should pay more attention. Why can’t they just tell us, why all the secrecy?

“Charlie!” Ben sits up, shouting my name. I snap back to the room.

“Yes?”

“I feel like I’m a cow being milked.” He says in a low voice. “You’re just a milkmaid hurrying on to the next job.”

“Well, that’s a fantasy I haven’t been in before”. I smile suggestively.

He’s not laughing. I look down.

He’s pretty flaccid.

Oops.

He pushes my hand off him and sits up in the bed.

“This isn’t working, Charlie,” he sighs.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get it back up again,” I coax, rubbing his back.

“Not my d**k,” he snaps. “Us. These days you have the s*x drive of a cardboard box.”

“You’ve been chatting to Stevie about our s*x life?” I hiss indignantly.

“About our nonexistent s*x life.” He sighs as he scrambles for his t-shirt. “Let’s just leave it for tonight, your minds clearly elsewhere.”

“Ben,” I whine in his ear. “I’m sorry. Definitely next time, yeah? I’ll even do a motorboat the way you like it...although it’s very ticklish.”

He nods, pulls the covers up, and turns to face the wall.

At least I can pay my credit card now.