5
1237 Words
Go with me.
Into that starry sky,
Catch my tears,
As I learn to fly.
~~
I have a new memory. One that is blazed in fire, the moon and a glow of stars. It is bathed in sorrow and pain, but it is the beginning of something I don't fully understand yet. I can still smell the breath of flames and smoke on my skin and I don't want to shower, I don't want it to disappear.
Because...
With Rev's hand brushing my hair, his forest eyes staring at me. Staring at my face, with no disgust or pity. I feel something. Something that fills in the numbing nothing. I stare at my face in the mirror again. I blink at it,
You don't need to hide from me
And maybe I don't. I'd covered almost every mirror in the house so I didn't have to see my face. If he doesn't mind. If it doesn't make him sick. It was only Rev that would see me. So why should I bother with my hood?
But I do anyway. It's a hard habit to break. Without it covering my head I feel naked. I feel exposed if the breeze can kiss my cheeks. I step from the door and Rev is there, on the top floor, he is blinking at the hot pink door that is Lilly's,
"Is this your room?" He asks. I shake my head. He takes a step to the door,
"Don't!" I cry. Rev frowns at me for a moment,
"Come in with me? I'm just dusting, Willow." He has his lemon polish in one hand and a yellow duster in the other. I am growing braver in every day and second. I take soft steps next to him,
"Ok." I breath, "Ok." So we step inside. Oh god, how I smell her in the air before my eyes settle on her room. Her perfume, sweet and fresh, still flies in the air. It is a room filled with art and fairy lights crawling down book cases and around the soft pink walls. Her piano in the corner. Pure white, although the dust makes it look grey. Lilly is here. In every picture and every discarded sock on the wooden floor. She is here with us, singing and dancing near the windows. Her fingers racing over the keys of her piano, her hair still trapped in a brush on the side. I pick it up carefully and smell.
It smells like her.
She is here, but she is somewhere else. A place she won't be able to come back from, but I don't think of that. I lose myself in the memories of this room and her,
"Did you want to clear some things away?" Rev asks and I shake my head,
"It has to stay like this." I whisper. He nods and I watch as he carefully picks things from the shelf and dusts under them, placing them back in the exact place. Sometimes his green eyes land on me and I feel myself blinking away, even though I long to stare into them. Lilly would laugh and tell me to do it! She would have pushed our faces together so we could stare into each others soul,
"So the art gallery opens tonight, I got tickets just in case." He smiles at me and then carries on dusting. Dad would have loved a new art gallery. He would have dragged us all to it with his eyes grinning and Lilly would have been so excited, mum would still have grass stains on her hands but she would go, and I would watch them as I always did,
"What time are we leaving?" I say quickly before I can change my mind. Rev looks surprised for a moment but he grins again and it I realize that his smile is like a rainbow's reflection on a river.
Beautiful.
"Six. I can drive us there." He looks younger with a smile and I think that perhaps he is mid-twenties, but with old eyes that have seen both sorrow and happiness.
*****
I spend the day in my room. Looking at the clothes that sit on my bed. It has been a long time since I wondered what to wear. I don't have much that's nice anymore. I didn't think I would want to look nice again. In the end I pick up mum's white jeans and long soft pink top. It use to be my favourite outfit. Dad liked it and that's why I'm going tonight. I'm going for dad. I don't really care about my exams anymore. It's not like I need money, or a job. I used to want to be an author. I liked writing stories. But now the only words that come to me are the snatches of memories,
"Almost time to go!" Rev calls up to me. I bite my lip, hard and stare into the mirror. I've straightened my hair so it slides over my cheek. So I can hide behind it.
Why do I care what I look like?
Why does it matter?
The hood is on my bed, faded pale blue and worn. Something ugly to hide ugly. I grab it, stuff it on and hurry down the stairs, my sandals flopping loudly on the wooden floor. Rev studies me for a moment. I stare at his shoes, they are black and clean.
I am not ready for this.
I am broken and hurting. A mess of thoughts and shivers. All I want to do is run away from the front door and hide.
But I can't spend the rest of life hiding. I should live. I should try. Not for myself. I won't fool myself into believing I will ever be truly happy again but I should live for the people I have lost. So I can imagine that they live on inside me. They see what I see. Rev opens the door and the world greets me. It is a cool evening, with a soft wind that twirls between the trees and sings between the flowers. He stands behind me waiting. I can hear my heart thumping louder, my pulse chasing blood through my veins. Then, his fingers are closing around my arm, gently. His strength pours through me. Because Rev has strength. I have seen in it when he works in the garden lifting dead trees, or in his eyes when I watch a wave of sorrow fill them, only to pushed away with joy,
"You don't have to go. We can cook something, or watch TV. We can stay here." Rev mutters softly near my ear. I shiver as his mint breath envelopes me,
"I want to go but..."
I'm scared. I don't know if I'm ready for the world. If I don't go, how long will I roam in this house? How long will I be alone for? Rev won't stay forever and then it'll be me and the dust and ticking of the clock again,
"Lets go back inside." He says,
"I want to go." I nod and take a step out of the door, my feet landing on crunchy pebbles of the drive way.
I'm out and it feels like a blanket has been pulled from my face. I feel dizzy with life. With the wind and the setting sun.
I am alive and it feels beautiful.
- Writer
