ALPHA'S FORBIDDEN MATE

Diary filled with fantasies

Chapter 020

SEBASTIAN

I wanted nothing more than to ask Darius about the mate issue. The conversation I had overheard between him and Torren kept replaying in my mind, especially the part where Torren had asked about a second chance mate.

Darius had said he had not felt a bond with anyone.

But the way he had said it—there had been something off about it. A hesitation, maybe. Or perhaps I was just reading too much into things because I wanted there to be more between us than just our arrangement.

Still, I respected my place. I respected the boundaries Darius had set. And after being caught listening in on their conversation, I knew he was not in the mood to talk about anything personal with me.

So I kept my questions to myself.

Training that morning was different.

Instead of Darius, I found myself paired with Torren. The Beta was a good teacher—patient, thorough, and less brutal than Darius had been. But it was not the same.

I wanted Darius.

I wanted his hands correcting my form, his voice in my ear telling me what I was doing wrong, his presence pushing me to be better.

But Darius stayed on the other side of the training ground, working with the more advanced guards, and he did not look my way once.

"Focus, Sebastian," Torren said, snapping his fingers in front of my face. "Where is your head?"

"Sorry," I muttered, forcing my attention back to the drill we were practicing.

But my eyes kept drifting across the training ground to where Darius stood, his powerful form moving with deadly grace as he demonstrated a complex move to a group of senior guards.

He was deliberately avoiding me. I could feel it.

Over the next few days, the distance between us only grew.

Darius barely stayed in his chambers anymore. When I woke to my shift, he was already gone. When he returned, it was late at night, and he looked exhausted.

"Do you want your evening meal, Alpha?" I would ask.

"No," he would say, not even looking at me. "I have already eaten."

Or sometimes he would just wave me away without answering at all.

I kept his chambers immaculate. I made sure his clothes were laundered and pressed. I brought food even when he did not ask for it, hoping he might eat something.

Most times, he did not touch it.

I would find the trays exactly as I had left them, the food cold and untouched.

"He is working too hard," I said to Alisander one evening as I cleared away another uneaten meal. "He is going to make himself ill."

"He is stressed," Alisander said. "The council issue is weighing on him."

"I know," I said. "But he still needs to eat. He still needs to rest."

"You cannot force him to take care of himself," Alisander pointed out. "No matter how much you want to."

I knew he was right. But it did not make it any easier to watch Darius destroy himself with work and worry.

I wanted to bring up the distance between us. I wanted to ask why he had stopped training me personally, why he barely acknowledged my presence anymore, why our arrangement seemed to have been forgotten entirely.

But I could not bring myself to do it.

"What if he thought I was being selfish? What if he got angry at me for bothering him when he clearly had more important things to worry about?"

The council was plotting against him. Rumors were spreading about his inability to find a mate. The pack was becoming unstable.

My feelings, my desires, my need for his attention—they all seemed so insignificant compared to what he was dealing with.

So I gave him the space I thought he needed.

Even though it was eating me up inside.

To make matters worse, Pete had suddenly vanished.

I had not seen him in days, and when I finally managed to ask one of the other omegas about him, I learned he had been transferred to guard duty at the borders.

"The borders?" I had asked, confused. "But Pete is a baker. Why would they send him to the borders?"

The omega had just shrugged. "Orders from above. A lot of guards are being reassigned right now. Something about increased security."

So Pete was gone too. My only friend in this place, the one person I could talk to openly, had been sent away.

I was utterly alone.

The loneliness was crushing.

I spent my days standing at my post outside Darius's chambers, watching the door and hoping he would emerge and acknowledge me. I spent my evenings cleaning rooms that were already clean, just to have something to do.

And I spent my nights in my small quarters, staring at the ceiling and wondering if this was all my life would ever be.

One evening, desperate for some outlet for my feelings, I pulled out my diary.

It was a simple leather-bound book I had brought with me from home. I used to fill it with sketches and random thoughts, but I had not written in it since arriving at the pack house.

Now, I opened it to a fresh page and began to write.

"I do not understand what is happening. One moment, Darius seems to want me. He makes arrangements with me, he trains me, he looks at me like I am something precious. And the next moment, he is cold and distant and acts like I do not exist."

"I know he is dealing with pack issues. I know he is under enormous pressure. But it still hurts to be shut out like this."

"Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake. If I should have just stayed away from him instead of pushing for this arrangement. At least then I would not know what I am missing."

"But I cannot bring myself to regret it. Even these few moments I have had with him—they are worth the pain of his absence."

I paused, staring at what I had written. Then I turned to a fresh page and began to draw.

I drew Darius as I wished he could be. Not the cold, distant Alpha who barely looked at me anymore, but the man I had glimpsed in private moments.

I drew him smiling. Really smiling, not the mocking smirks or professional expressions he wore in public, but a genuine smile that reached his eyes.

I drew him lying in bed, relaxed and at peace, without the weight of leadership on his shoulders.

I drew him holding me. Not sexually, just holding me. His arms wrapped around me, his face buried in my hair, holding me like I mattered.

Then I turned another page and let my fantasies take over.

I drew him kissing me. His mouth on mine, tender and claiming at the same time. The kiss I had asked for and been denied.

I drew us tangled together in bed, but it was not just physical. There was emotion in the drawing, connection, something real and lasting.

I drew him looking at me with love in his eyes. Not hunger, not mere desire, but actual love.

I knew these were just fantasies. I knew Darius had made it clear there would be no love, no attachment. But on the pages of my diary, I could imagine whatever I wanted.

On these pages, I could have the relationship I desperately wished for.

I filled page after page with drawings and words, pouring all my longing and loneliness onto the paper. It was cathartic, releasing some of the pressure that had been building in my chest.

When I finally set the diary aside, it was late. I needed to sleep so I could be alert for my shift tomorrow.

I changed into my sleeping clothes and climbed into bed, but sleep was slow to come.

"Do you think he will ever see me the way I see him?" I asked Alisander quietly.

" I do not know," Alisander admitted. "But I hope so. For both our sakes."

"Me too," I whispered.

The next morning, I woke early and got ready for my shift. I washed quickly, dressed in my guard uniform, and grabbed my things.

I was in such a hurry that I did not notice the diary.

It was sitting on my small desk, still open to the last page I had drawn—the one with Darius and me tangled together, the one that showed far too much of my true feelings.

I should have closed it. Should have hidden it away in the drawer where I usually kept it.

But I was distracted, my mind already on the day ahead, on whether Darius would be in his chambers or already gone, on whether he would speak to me or ignore me again.

So I left.

And the diary remained on my desk, slightly exposed, its pages filled with my most intimate thoughts and desperate fantasies open for anyone to see.