Trapped Beneath His Blue Gaze

Target

Being the first child meant waking up with responsibility already waiting for me. Not because anyone asked but just because someone had to do it after Dad left. I got used to filling in the gaps he left behind: the early mornings, the checklist in my head and the quiet, pretending that everything in our house ran smoothly on its own.

It never did.

But we tried.

Mom was half-dressed for her shift when I came into the kitchen, tying her apron like she was running late even when she wasn’t.

"Morning, sweetheart," she said, brushing a stray, brown curl out of her eyes. "I made pancakes. They’re a little dark, but I'm sure they're edible. Right?" She muttered the last part under her breath, a tiny frown etched on her round face as she poked at the pancakes on her plate.

"They look great, Mom," I lied, kissing her cheek before she could argue.

The boys were already devouring theirs, talking over each other like usual. Their noise filled the room completely as it always did and I was happy about it because without it, the house would’ve felt too quiet, too empty.

"Alright, team," Mom said as she grabbed her bag, "I’m on two shifts today. Behave. Help your sister out. And Sebastian," she pointed at him with narrowed eyes, "don’t leave your laundry in the bathroom again."

"I never do that!" he protested, even though he absolutely did.

When Mom hugged us, her arms lingered around my shoulders a little longer than the others. Like she knew I’d pick up the slack the second she left.

"Be good, okay?" she whispered.

"I always am," I said quietly.

"I know. You never let me down," she said with a tired smile. The unspoken message behind her words landed harder than a punch.

Leaning down, she gently tucked Laura's unruly hair behind her ear and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Play nice."

Laura grinned, "I love you."

"I love you too," she replied before hurrying out the door.

The moment it closed, the kitchen erupted again: chairs scraping, backpacks zipping and the boys sprinting around like they trained for it.

"Zoey," Alexander yelled suddenly. "Time to go."

I shook my head with a quiet sigh. Of course he’d managed to sneak his girlfriend in again, even with Mom’s firm rule about not bringing girls over. She never mentioned boys. There was no need as it was obvious I had a non-existent dating life.

"Hey Becky," she waved shyly as she trudged down the stairs.

"We're out, Becky!" Justin shouted.

"Don’t forget your lunch!" I called back but the door had already slammed.

When the chaos collapsed into silence, it felt like the whole house exhaled. I turned to my little sister, who sat swinging her legs at the table. "Okayyy, Laura. Meds."

She nodded and took them without fuss, something that still made my chest twist. Heart medication shouldn’t be part of an seven-year-old’s morning routine but she grew up with it the way the rest of us grew up with hand-me-down clothes.

After she finished, I packed her bag and walked her outside to wait for the bus. The morning air was chilly. She tucked herself under my arm out of habit. "Becky."

"Hmm?"

"How was your first day in school?" she asked, looking up at me with those big brown eyes that made hiding anything impossible. "Was it like mine? I wanted to stay awake until you got home last night but ended up falling asleep."

My throat tightened.

I had lied to everyone. Told Mom it was "good." Told the boys it had been "interesting." I told myself it wasn’t that bad even though I could still hear the malice in Raze's voice as it sliced through the walkway and recall how everyone had stared at me like I was an outcast.

However, I forced a smile and said, "It was fine, Laura."

"Really?" Her eyes narrowed instantly. "You’re doing the eyelid thing."

"What eyelid thing?"

"The one where you pretend you’re not upset."

I blinked, damn her accuracy then looked away toward the street. "It was- a lot. New. Big."

"And scary?" she whispered.

I swallowed, nodding, "A little."

A flash of Raze’s face hit my mind without permission- eyes dark, cold, dead. The subtle curl of his lip and I knew the pressure in my chest had nothing to do with fear.

"It’ll be better today," Laura declared confidently. "You always survive things."

I laughed softly. "Is that a good thing?"

She ignored me, stating proudly, "You’re like a racoon but you know- prettier."

"Wow," I muttered. "Thanks, kid."

The bus turned the corner just then. Laura hopped on her feet, hugging me tightly, her little arms locking around my waist. "Love you, Becky," she said into my shirt.

"Love you more."

Brakes hissing, Laura hopped onto the first step before pausing to wave at me. I waved back until the bus turned down the street.

Once it disappeared, the quiet settled again and so did the thoughts I’d been avoiding.

All revolving around Raze.

I tried to shake it off. Maybe today will be different. Maybe I would forget about him and he wouldn't care enough to bother with me twice, I told myself as I locked the front door and began walking towards the university.

Maybe he’ll forget I exist.

Maybe the whole day wouldn't revolve around avoiding the Four Kings like they’re landmines.

Maybe I’ll blend in this time.

I straightened the pale yellow sweatshirt I had on. I had made an effort, ironing the seams to my satisfaction. Justin's pair of sneakers was much better than what I had on the previous day but I couldn't shut off that voice at the back of my mind that whispered the truth I was hell-bent on denying.

Despite everything, there was still something about Raze that fascinated me in ways I couldn’t explain.