Bad At Love

Chapter Eleven

The rain hurled wildly against the window pane of the lonely apartment. I had been alone for the last couple of weeks. Sofia had been crashing over at Nic's place. She stopped by to retrieve clothes and say hello every few days. We had managed to sneak in an afternoon with homemade pina-coladas the other day - but today was not one of those days. The weather had been murky since five that morning. The sound of rustling trees and rushing wind woke me more times than I could count.

Thankfully, I had managed to convince Frank to close the shop for the day. The weather radar suggested this would be an all day affair. So, I sat snuggled in the crevices of my couch. The soothing sound of the rain soothing my nerves while the news played in the background. My hands warmed from the fresh mug of coffee in my hands. Despite the harrowing weather, my morning had progressed with ease.

The tips of my finger ran along the edge of the mug. The tiny specks of runaway coffee spilling onto the pad of my index finger. I pressed my thumb over the drops, rubbing my fingers together. The once visible drops now blended into my hand

I eyed the now clean skin.

The space the coffee once covered with its brilliant brown was now rubbed away into oblivion. I sighed subtly as my mind wandered to deeper thoughts about life. I had long ago come to terms with how my life had ended up. But the more I sat alone in this apartment, the more I had to think to myself.

This time was spent reminiscing my past and how it still affected me to this day. I had long ago stopped dwelling on my mistakes with my family, longing for solace with them again. Now, I was more caught onto how lost I felt

I was always falling behind in love.

As a young child, I was unable to control my emotions - and there were always plenty of them. I could feel all them at once, or sometimes none at all. I would give my all, whether it be love and loyalty or friendship and honesty. I submerged myself into my relationships with other people. I had the heart a child shouldn't have. The empathy of a wise soul who'd live a thousand lives, too forced to admit to realities of life a little too soon. Parents who can't seem to get along, incessant competition between sisters. All those uncontrollable emotions bursting at the seams. I did nothing but put myself on the back burner. Soaking in all the bad habits and toxic knowledge I was surrounded by.

Maybe I could blame them on being bad at love...

I knew it was wrong. Their incessant arguing and habitual physical altercations were always occurring in the home. No matter how many times we moved to escape the small town rumors. They always followed closely behind us in the shadows. I was young, but not naive. I knew they weren't a good couple, I could see that when I saw my other friend's parents. I remember being young and promising to myself I would never be like them

But I should have known better...

Their continuous indiscretions and bad habits seeped into my brain and built a home. I developed bad habits without realizing.

I habitually chose the wrong men, knowing they weren't the one for me. I knew the men I chose were in bad taste. And the regrets I would have to live with would sleep under my pillow, like the monsters who hide under my bed. The demons lurking in my closet, casting shadows across my closet. But the more my mind wandered to the thought of Silas. His alluring smile and captivating touch captured my heart more than I had liked to admit.

I couldn't bring myself to text him despite thinking of him nonstop. I realized I didn't think I deserved happiness, let alone a loving and healthy relationship. I couldn't help myself, but I shot him a quick text, my heart on my sleeve.

I was raised in an environment that held inappropriate interpersonal methods and irrational approaches of thinking. I saw a love fall to the depths of no return. I couldn't mend their hearts, let alone my own. Maybe they healed, maybe they didn't. I don't know.

The only parts I saw were the fights behind closed doors, silent breakdowns and tears of anger. I bared witness to the damage they brought upon themselves, the home, my sister, and myself. Over time, we grew to forget the past. No one had brought up the harsh childhood Kiera and I had. We don't mention the time the ambulance roared down the quiet neighborhood. Because they fought a little too rough, and a hole ended up in the wall. We don't mention the time my father shoved soap down our throats because we had been bad. Or how that same night, he fell in the kitchen because the tile was slick from an overflowing sink.

We didn't talk about the things that hurt us. Maybe it was because it just hurts me.

But as they grew closer to Kiera, I found myself left behind in the dust, a fire quietly burning.

I couldn't love again after this, I couldn't unconditionally bare my heart to another person. And whether I could admit to others, I had to at least admit it to myself:

For someone who had plenty of emotions and the biggest heart, I was born to be bad at love.

I was raised with the side of love you don't want to see. The kind you aren't exposed to until your late twenties, when you're dating all the wrong people. You're usually on your fifth guy by the time you realize that some people just don't belong or work together. Instead, I found out at the age of six that love can be different. It can be holes in the wall and screaming matches lasting long into the night.

There are the dark sides, we don't show everyone else. The disagreements, the secret indiscretions. The secret rendezvous to hide from the children you're divorcing. It's rarely talked about marriages ending or when they should.

As people, we are made to learn, grow, change and adapt. In a sense, love is the same, because it can do all these things. Love can flourish in healthy environments. But when you have two incompatible people and toxic behavior... you have a pernicious situation.

That's why I can't throw myself into Silas. No matter how perfect he seems. Or how my cheeks hurt a little more when I am around him; I can't let his small smile or his lingering glances distract me. I look at how my parents were when I was growing up. I don't deserve happiness, because they never got it, and I am a product of their broken love.

I was too scared to let him in, to let him see me. Scared for him to see the pain I hold in my heart or the dark thoughts impeding my mind. If he did, would he run away? Would he stick around and help me navigate the right way to love others?

I was too scared to find out.

~

The rainstorm had now calmed to a delicate drizzle. The dark rain clouds now dissipated, revealing the beautiful starry night sky. My two favorite television characters had long ago replaced the news reporter. A glass of wine now rested in my left hand. My phone had occupied my right hand for the past hour, as I waited almost impatiently for Silas to reply.

He had texted a simple hello around Nine O'clock, but despite my hasty reply, I haven't heard from him since. I tried to distract my mind with the reliable comedy of "Two Broke Girls". Their sarcastic wit and genuine charm were an easy way out. But the more my phone vibrated from junk emails, the more anxious I grew.

I heaved a sigh as I shifted the blanket off of me. I had spent too many nights moping around the apartment. The walls suffocating me with loneliness and doubts. My feet walked across the plush carpet of the apartment just as I heard the keys jingle into the door knob.

My neck craned to the side. Sofia and Nic shuffled between the frame and the open door. Their clothes dripping with fresh rain. She was giggling as he said something under his breath. They peered up at me, smiles plastered on their cheeks.

"Hey!" Nic shouted. His hand rose to wave at me, I offered a small smile before returning it. Sofia shrugged off her jacket and hung it on the hook next to the door.

"Finally! We've been out in the rain all day today." Sofia explained. Her feet shaking off her shoes before walking towards me. Nic was already doing the same, taking his time to place everything down.

"What were you even doing?" I asked. My brows raised as I turned back to face the television.

"We went on an adventure! We drove a few cities away for our own mini road trip. Nothing too crazy, but it was super fun." Sofia said. She plopped down on the empty place next to me. Her head crashing into my lap as her hair sprawled out.

"We didn't do anything besides bar hop and f**k in the hotel room, but yes, it was fun." Nic butted in. His chuckle filling the air.

"Isn't that why couples go on trips anyways? To f**k in new places?" I teased. My tongue poking out towards Sofia. She giggled.

"Shut up!" She replied.

"You are a couple, aren't you?" I asked. I figured I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear them say it. It's not like they'd be rubbing their love in my face. I'm happy for her, and him. I don't want to rain on their parade.

"Yes, we are," Nic answered. A smile played on Sofia's lips, before she covered her face with her hands. Her forehead turning rosy with each second.

"Oh my god, anyways!" Sofia blurted.

I laughed alongside Nic.

"I figured we could swing by and have a sleep over. Watch some scary movies or action film, something. We can eat some take out and eat some ice cream. We can literally do anything." She explained. She rose from my lap, swiveling to face the front door.

"Yeah, I was told I'm basically your boyfriend tonight," Nic joked.

Sofia snorted.

"Wow, that makes me sound sad!" I laughed out as I turned to look at Sofia.

"No! Not sad, you're an independent woman. You don't need a man, I'm only letting you borrow mine for emotional purposes this evening." She said. A smirk rose from her corners of her lips, before shrugging her shoulders.

"Okay, wow. You're lucky I wanted some company tonight." I teased. My head turned to look over towards Nic.

"Come on over, big boy! Let's get this sleep over started." I called out. To be a third wheel was better than being alone. At least for tonight.