Bad Boy Knows My Secret (BxB)

Chardonnay

This chapter contains content about suicide attempt. If you are struggling with this issue yourself this may not be right for you and if you ever feel like you need someone to talk with reach out to a person who you can trust or a school counselor or call a local helpline. Do not hold everything in yourself because when you start talking, it gets easier.

***

You know what the hardest part was growing up like this? The fact that I couldn't talk to anyone about my feelings. I felt so lonely and devastated, it was almost like nobody understood my pain. I couldn't even write a diary because I was too scared that if somebody found it all my secrets would be revealed. I mean, I could try to disguise it somehow but the whole point of writing a diary is to be honest and without that it's completely pointless.

I buried my secrets in the darkest parts of the ground but because of that I didn't have a chance to ever even think about my feelings. But in life nothing stays hidden, that's the lesson I learned just by living. Everything I worked so hard for turned out to be for nothing when my secrets started crawling back to me and it was something I wasn't prepared for.

I knew how to lie, not that I liked it but it was something I had to know if I wanted everything to stay the way it was. At some point I started lying to myself without even realizing. I was hoping that someday I could have a normal life without being forced to keep secrets. But that's just not how life works. If you want to survive you have to prepare yourself for the worst case scenarios.

Well, it's too late for me now. I have already given up. This is just too much for me. I can't take it anymore. I want this to end.

For the first time in my life I feel relieved, now that I'm standing on this bridge, ready to jump and put an end to my miserable life. It's kind of ironic. At least I won't have to live in a lie anymore.

No one understands me, but it's okay. Where I'm going I won't need anyone. I'll be fine without them and they'll be fine without me.

I'm not blaming anyone, if anything I'm the one to blame. I kept everything inside me and look where it got me to. Holding everything by myself wasn't an easy task and it finally shattered me. I'm not strong enough and I'm tired of fighting, especially when it seems like it won't even have any result.

There's no way I can change their point of view and there's no way they'll accept me as who I really am.

I don't expect their gratitude or sadness. I just hope that one day there will be no kids who feel the same way as I do. I hope that they'll be happier than me. God knows I tried and I hope he'll forgive me for doing this.

Goodbye, cruel world. I don't hate you for existing. I could never hate you for that because even though you are the one who created all the people that disgust me, you are also the one who created the ones that love me. My friends, Lucy and Felicity. I'm so sorry that I didn't get to say farewell to them but that doesn't mean I don't love them. They were the reason that kept me alive this long but I can't do it anymore. I wish you all the best and I hope you find the happiness I never did.

I finally took a step forward and started falling. Falling into the lake before I was swallowed by the waves.

A Few hours ago...

I just got home. Lucy gave me a ride from school and we talked about boys. Everything was looking pretty good so far. Except for the part when she was annoying me with all the questions like did you ever kiss a guy or who's your crush and all that. It was sort irritating but I knew she meant well and it was also nice that she was talking about something other than her own boyfriends.

When I opened up the door and went inside I heard someone arguing in the kitchen. Then I looked to see who it was and of course my parents were fighting again.

I'm telling you, they really have some nerve. Somehow they still manage to keep living together. I'm still confused how one of them didn't even think about an obvious solution to all their problems – a divorce.

But no! They have to torture themselves and me by sticking together for absolutely no reason other than their reputation.

It's sad, really but it is what it is. I can't change a thing about that unless they want to. So I'm done feeling sorry for them. They are the ones who try to keep their marriage alive so why should I be the one who feels any remorse for them. I wonder what they're blabbing about this time.

"Richard, listen to me, dear. This is a big opportunity. You have to take this job. It will be a huge success for your career and not just that it has a very good salary. We'll have zero bank loans in no time. Think of all the money this will provide for our family." I heard my mother's voice.

"Money? Is that all you think about? Have you even considered that there's more to life than just wealth? Tell me, when was the last time you spoke to our son?" Dad responded.

"What does Jesse have to do with anything? And stop pretending like you care about him as if you were a loving father. We both know that you only care about yourself. Besides it's not like we're bad parents we give him everything he needs. Some children don't even have roof over their heads so he should be grateful to have a mother like me. I love him unconditionally, just the way he is."

Wow. Really? Is that what you think of me mom? An ungrateful bastard who doesn't appreciate anything? And here I thought that she couldn't have been any blinder.

Just feeding your kid and calling yourself his mom doesn't make you a mother. Maybe you were the one who gave birth to me but ever since that day we've been growing apart from each other. I don't mean to sound mean or ungrateful. I know a lot of people would dream to have rich parents and all but trust me it gets pretty boring after a while, plus we're not even that rich to be honest. You should respect parents who love you and do everything for you. They do their best to make you happy and in the end that's what it's all about.

"Oh, please. Open your eyes, Veronica! We're a failure as parents." Well at least we can agree on one thing, dad. "Look at our son. He's not like other kids. I can't even look at him the same way. I'm so frustrated with myself that I didn't try harder to make him a man. This is all my fault. I had to take him to football games and teach him sports and maybe he wouldn't turn out to be such a disappointment. If the town found out about this our family's reputation would be ruined."

Oh, wow. Is that what you think of me dad? A disappointment? What did I ever do that made you so miserable? All I ever wanted from you was to be a father but you always tried to avoid me. Maybe you were just trying to avoid your failure of a son. Is that why you can't look me in the eye anymore?

I understand everything now. I'm just a mistake to you. How stupid was I to even think that my family would support me. You know what, I don't need your support and acceptance. I can't wait to get out of this stupid town and start college. Maybe then I'll be able to live a life without you and all this drama.

"Don't say stuff like that. Our son is perfectly normal. He's done nothing wrong..."

I couldn't listen to my mother's excuses anymore. She had been lying to herself all these years and it was getting quite annoying already.

I went upstairs to lock myself in my room and I saw the leather jacket lying under my closet so I texted my cousin Dylan that I found his jacket and I'd bring it to him tomorrow at school.

Then I started preparing for tonight. Andrew told me to meet him at 8. He found a lead or something. It was actually good for me to distract myself with something other than my family drama. It would put my mind off of everything that was going on  around me.

I opened my drawer to find something black since we were going on an undercover mission. I couldn't really find anything at first, just dark blue jeans so I took it but then I saw dark black hoodie on the bottom of the drawer. I had completely forgotten that I even had that.

I changed my clothes but it was still early so I opened my laptop to spend some time. I watched some YouTube videos and played a video game for a little while but I got bored really fast. Soon I heard someone closing the door very loudly downstairs.

It must be dad. He always leaves after he fights with mom to go to some bar and drink until he passes out and one of his friends drags his unconscious body to our house.

"Jesse, sweetie, come down here for a second, I have to speak with you." I heard my mom calling me. I was surprised that she even noticed I was home.

Wonder what she has to say this time. Maybe they finally decided to get a divorce? Ugh, who am I kidding? As if that would ever happen.

I went downstairs to see what she wanted from me and saw her drinking one of her most expensive chardonnays. Something very good or bad must have happened if she opened up that wine bottle. It's bad news for me anyways because if it's something good for her that probably means that I'm not going to like it, but if it's something bad that means that she's going to be in a bad mood and I'll be the one who'll have to listen to her complaints. It's a lose-lose situation for me.

"What is it, Veronica?" I asked.

"I have some good news, dear." I seriously doubt that. "Your father starts his new job tomorrow. But he'll be out of town for a little while because of that."

Oh, is that why he went to get drunk until he passes out? Well that's interesting. He must be so delighted then.

A new job and getting rid of your husband? It's practically your wildest dream, mom. You must be very proud of yourself. You finally got what you wanted.

"I'm glad." I answered smiling awkwardly which was kind of passive aggressive but I didn't think mother noticed, or she did and just chose to ignore it. Either way I really didn't care. "I'm going to leave now."

"Wait, don't you want to celebrate? Come sit with me. Have some chardonnay." I couldn't believe my ears when she offered her underaged son to drink wine. Most parents would freak out if they saw their kids with any form of alcohol but not my mother. She's not like that. And I'm sure she's very proud of it. She probably thinks that she's like a cool mom or something just because she offers me a drink. How lucky for me.

"I'm 17." I responded. "Not that you care or anything."

"Where's all this aggression coming from? I'm just offering you a drink. Don't be a p***y. Come, sit here and drink like a man." She said and took a sip from her glass. "Oh, that reminds me. I'm taking you to a friend's house tomorrow. She has a lovely daughter Annie. You two will make a perfect couple. She's very intelligent and from a good family. You'll love her."

"No, I won't. In fact I'm not going to meet any one of your friends' daughters. I don't need you to set me up with people, okay? I can take care of myself." I snapped.

"Is that so? Tell me, Jesse, when was the last time you had a girlfriend?" She asked. "Oh, that's right. You didn't! People will start talking about you, honey. I'm just trying to protect you."

"Oh, really?" Tears were starting to fill my eyes from all the anger I was holding inside my body. "Or are you just trying to protect your reputation, huh?"

"I didn't carry your ungrateful ass for 9 months just so you can start arguing with my decisions. You will do as I say and that's final. I am your mother and as a mother I make all the decisions around here."

"Just because you were the one who carried me for 9 months doesn't make you a mother. What did you do to raise me? Nothing! You just fed me and called it a day. Well news flash, mommy, you are a horrible, terrible, awful mother and no amount of money can fix that. You can lie to your friends all you want but you can't lie to me. I know exactly what you are and you know exactly what I am so stop pretending for f***s sake." I practically yelled and didn't even notice that tears were finally dripping down to my cheeks.

"You ungrateful son of a b***h! I gave everything to you. How dare you say all those horrible things about me? I am an amazing mother. You just can't see it because you are a failure of a son. It's unfortunate that you're the one who survived and not him..." Veronica covered up her mouth to stop herself.

"What are you talking about?" I asked but she started shaking her head in denial. "Tell me right now, Veronica!"

"No, Jesse. You don't need to know, trust me. Forget everything I said, it's nothing." She said.

"It's clearly something. Tell me what it is." I responded. "Tell me, or I swear I'll tell dad that you're cheating on him with our gardener."

"What? I'm not cheating on him with a gardener, what are you talking about?" She answered.

"I know. But, trust me, he'll believe me. I'm a very convincing liar." I said. "Plus, he only needs one reason to divorce you and he'll take all the money from you. You don't want that to happen now, do you?"

"Fine, I'll tell you but once I do it, you'll wish that I hadn't." She answered a little later.

"I'll decide that for myself. Now, start talking!"

"18 years ago, when I found out I was pregnant I was still very young and not ready for this kind of responsibility. So I decided to get... an abortion." She said looking defeated. "I went to this doctor without telling anyone, thinking that after I did it no one would even find out about this and everything would just go away. The doctor finished the abortion but it turned out that I was expecting twins and one of them survived. That one was you. You're the reason why I'm even married to your father. My dad found out that I was pregnant before I was able to get rid of another child and made me marry to that loser. So don't blame me for being like this, I never wanted you in the first place. No one else knows about this except you so keep your mouth shut. You brought enough trouble for me already."

"You really are a heartless b***h. How can you say things like that to your son?" I answered. "What did I ever do to you to make you this angry?"

"You were born..." Veronica hissed. "Everything would have been so much easier for me if you weren't alive. You're the reason why my life's like this. I wish I never even met your father, that way I wouldn't have to look at you ugly face ever again. Now get lost, I've seen enough of you for one day."

I left without saying a word. I went out from my house walking aimlessly. I didn't know where I was going but I knew I couldn't stay at home.

Now it all makes sense. I was never even meant to be born. That's why my life's like this. If only my brother was the one who survived. Maybe he would have a better life than me.

Don't worry mom, your wish will come true soon. You'll get rid of me once and for all and maybe then you'll stop blaming me for all your problems.

I heard my phone ringing in my pocket. At first I hoped that it was Veronica calling to apologize but that would obviously never happen. I looked at my phone's screen.

Andrew was calling. It was 8.30 and I was late. In fact I wasn't going there at all.

"Hi, Andrew, Sorry I couldn't come to help you. I'm not feeling well tonight." I answered his call.

"When I told you to come here that wasn't a suggestion. It was an order and you disobeyed me. Maybe you'll feel better if I tell everyone what I know about you."

"Do whatever you want. It doesn't matter anyways." I responded.

"What do you mean it doesn't matte..."

I hung up the phone and turned it off so I could think in peace.

Then I noticed the bridge and a lake so I went there to finally put an end to every bad thing that has happened to me.