We Dream of Hope

Hunting

Dawn of the fifth day welcomed Sera getting Ma’at and Odion up early; they were going off on a hunting trip. Ma’at was overjoyed she was finally getting back to what she knew and Sera figured it was a good way to test their teamwork skills. She instructed Nadia to not leave the house in her absence, and the three left. Nadia had had enough, she felt far too alone and she wasn’t making any progress. So she decided it was time for her to go off on her own and figure out things in her own way. The town was filled with secrets and maybe revealing a few of those she would get some sort of self-accomplishment. Finding out how these people used to live may just help her figure out how she wanted to carry on with her life.

 She made her way into the taller buildings and it wasn’t long before Nadia felt completely and utterly lost. Sera wanted her to get in touch with herself so what better way than isolation? This isolation was different, she was completely alone and had no clue where she was. So clearly she was going to get caught escaping the house, oh well, she thought, if I’m caught then I’m caught. Nothing they can do to me that is worse than this torture. 

The seclusion wasn’t so bad, she had time to think over everything she had been through and she realized recently she had been getting a few glimmers of her true self and she was startled by the change. Things that days before wouldn’t have phased her now were a place where she needed to insert her opinion. Ma’at thinking of her as a defenseless naive child was starting to get more on her nerves. She wasn’t defenseless. Hell, she thought, I killed a demon all by myself. “I’m one badass angel!” The last part escaped her lips, but she heard it and it gave her strength. Smiling, she became aware of her surroundings.

It was a peaceful courtyard filled with flowers growing wild and twirling up a large brick wall. The grass hardly looked like it had been touched and in the center a large tree. If someone had cared more for it it would have been manageable, maybe even beautiful. Years of neglect caused its branches to grow too thick and create a weight heavier than what its trunk could support. It split right down the center still trying desperately to grow, but the last traces of life were going to be snuffed out come winter. Nadia couldn’t help herself, she had to touch this tree, she had to try and figure out why something that seemed so strong in the end crumbled beneath its own weight. A few blossoms of pink still grew from a few branches, but this was going to be the last moment for anyone to enjoy such a beautiful gift. She touched one of its petals so soft, like the silk of her ribbon. She was careful to not disturb it with such a harsh touch, it needed to live its life in what peace it still had. 

It was here that Nadia decided to focus. She was going to nurture every ounce of her new found freedom, tend to everything inside her making sure that what built up from her split life had a more solid foundation than the unfortunate tree behind her. She sat in front of the trunk, folded her legs, closed her eyes and focused on what she wanted. She took time and care with what she felt were her options from this point forward. Sera had said she would know what was best for herself, but honestly, she couldn’t hear a clear choice. Visions flashed before her of Aidan, he was sitting across from her smiling amused by her silly little game. Then with a flicker of the wind striking her face, a smell wafted through her nostrils like a fire’s last embers. Then, as if someone had said something amusing a chuckle, had she just sensed him there without seeing him? With an almost reluctant but necessary move, she reached out her hand if he was there she would feel him. If he was as close to her as she had felt with just her instincts she would know, but in the same thought, she didn’t want to know. Sera had been adamant about not getting distracted by him, and here of all places for him to appear was less than fortunate since no one could help her.

Her arm caressed the air inching forward heat building the farther away she reached until finally, it landed on a cheek sliding up to a curved horn that felt much rougher than she would have originally believed. Her heart sank, she wanted to be alone. Why is he here? She cursed to herself. Then a hand reached up touching her cheek in return though instead of sliding it hung in place cupping her cheek and holding it gently in her palm tickling her skin with the warmth of a fire on a winter night. 

“Are we playing some game here dove?” It was asked only as a whisper but still made her stomach flip. The sunken heart fluttered now with anticipation. Was she suddenly going to turn around and be happy he was here? No, she thought, how did he find me? She recalled conversations from before and was sure she would be able to provide a transcript of what this conversation was going to be like, but with her eyes shut she could imagine him not being condescending. She could see him as charming, she knew once she opened her eyes he would be there to tease her for being so childish. He would call her some silly word and they would end up spending the moments together bickering. It was supposed to be their nature, after all.

After what felt like hours of no answer Nadia felt the heat grow nearer. Her hand was guided down to his neck by the calming warmth of his hand that lingered to hold her’s in place. She could feel her face growing heated and wondered if it was from him or just her lack of control in her blushing. Irresistible fires burned deep within her and she couldn’t hold back any longer. Almost as if she was still fighting, but only to kick herself her eyes opened slightly. He was mere inches from her face his lips hung close to hers and with his eyes closed he continued to move slowly toward her. She quickly pulled back, taking her hand easily from his and batting his hand from her cheek. “What are you doing!” it came as a gasp but with a shriek of surprise. 

He allowed himself to fall forward and hung his head low pausing before lifting his head back up to toss her a playful smile, “Just having some fun. What about you?”

Crossing her arms and turning away was the only thing she could come up with. He wasn’t going to get to have things his way today. “Well have it somewhere else.” Nadia turned her head upwards to look down her nose at him, “I’m busy if you can’t tell.”

“Well, I couldn’t if I’m being honest here.” ignoring her little defiance and adding his own tale, “You know I stopped by Sera’s earlier and talk about a group that actually looked like they had a busy day ahead of themselves. Gotta watch that Medjay of yours she’s going to be a slayer when she’s older. Now you, no little dove. You to me seem more pondering.” He reached his hand up again but Nadia deflected it turning the other cheek.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She turned to him as he dropped his hand and she knew he had won, he had gotten her to think about something else and now he wasn’t going to leave her alone.

“Oh something I’m sure you can stew over for a while.” He raised himself up and wandered over behind her, “Really though, carry on. I’ll just be enjoying the view.”

She wanted to believe he was talking about the foliage, but knew the scenery in his mind lacked the flowers and broken tree. It faded into darkness the farther he looked away from her. She didn’t give him the satisfaction of thinking he annoyed her. Instead, Nadia retreated into her own mind, closing her eyes and going back to keeping herself company. Heavier breaths and deeper chest movements were flooding her concentration. He had made her so flustered she couldn’t focus. Her chest continued to heave in and out and her mind couldn’t stop flashing to pictures of him. He was surely standing behind her smiling with that silly charming grin he could flash effortlessly.  Shaking her head she tried to focus on getting her breathing under control. Finally, she thought as her chest stopped its irrational upheaval, back under control. Her chest was now hardly moving and with every inhale her mind was clearing up. Those tasteless thoughts of Aidan sticking his nose where it didn’t belong, all of it cleared away as she began to just talk with herself. 

She pondered the tale Sera shared with her, she was still upset over learning her mother was psychotic, but Nadia wondered, would she turn out that way? Her mother put on such a sweet exterior, everyone always talked about how amazing she was, did anyone know the real Hope? Maybe Aidan met her? He was certainly old enough, at least he was supposed to be. As her mind went back to Aidan her thoughts turned and sprang to life with a mind of their own. She flashed back to moments before when she pulled away from him. If she hadn’t would he have really kissed her? Now her emotions were screaming for him to try that again, this time she would have called his bluff. She would have taken him up on the little game. As she pondered that she realized, she didn’t want to call him bluff, she wanted him to sweep her off her feet like he had tried effortlessly yesterday. She wanted to branch out into other experiences, someone was giving her attention, but she wasn’t sure how she should receive such an expression. 

All of these distractions, was this really going to help her figure anything out? Maybe, she thought, this is exactly what I need. Think about it! I’ve spent my entire life basically with my mind controlled, what I really need is to be out of control. She couldn’t help but c***k a slight smile at the thought. Turning into a wild lawless helliyen? Maybe not such a total lack of control, but her mind seemed to know what she wanted. That red horned snarky half demon who she could just picture lounging around behind her trying to get comfortable. Of course he would never express his discomfort expressing it might make her move. Nadia wanted to open her eyes and see what he was doing, but she stopped herself. 

Make him come to you. Come to me and do what though? Again she wasn’t sure from that point what could happen. She pictured how Odion and Ma’at might receive these more vulgar than usual thoughts. Odion certainly would have shut her down before Ma’at, maybe even told her about them just to make her unable to act upon them. 

The rustling behind her was distracting, and she didn’t want to stop thinking about this, she was immersed and finally talking to herself about what she desired. She shook her head shutting out the ruckus. What do I want, she thought rushing back into her mind, I can’t think about it. She came to the realization, just imagine it. 

What came next wasn’t her imagination. She felt a warmth like she never had before, it was fierce and focused right on her lips. Don’t open your eyes. If I open them this could all just be my imagination. She wanted this to last a bit longer. Arms reached around her pulling her closer to where she wanted to be. Lifting her up to her feet continuing to lift her until she was standing on the tips of her toes. His arms wrapped around her tightly one against the back of her head draping so close he cradled her with his warmth. The other rested gently on her waist. Her arms, she didn’t know what to do with them, they clung close to her chest clenched together beneath her chin. 

As perfect as she felt this was it was over too soon for Nadia’s liking. He released her lips and rested his forehead on hers breathing heavily and collecting his thoughts. It would have been enough for him to just let her go, but Aidan had to linger evaluating every moment of what he had just done messaging his lower hand on her hip and his nose twisted around hers. He let out a quiet moan and sigh before saying anything else. “I just-.” He whispered heavily carefully choosing what words were spoken and what he kept to himself, “I saw you there, and I couldn’t stop myself.” Nadia didn’t answer him, she just wanted it to continue. Sliding her head up hoping to initiate contact for a second round. Like a bolt of lightning hitting the ground before their lips could meet again Nadia opened her eyes. Aidan had regained himself and jumped back like he was disgusted. He turned his head down and looked away from her, “Sorry, I just was caught in the moment. I didn’t mean-”

She turned away also but grabbed her face with her hands hoping to hide the very red complexion rushing through her skin. “No it’s…” stopping quickly before anything unfortunate was said, she didn’t want to say it was okay, he hadn’t asked her permission. Feelings washed over her and she lost control of herself as well, so if anyone was to blame Nadia felt like she had a partial stake in that. However, thinking it over, he kind of just saw the chance and took it. What moment? She thought through what happened and couldn’t see where she had stirred up anything to warrant such an expression let alone one that was never allowed or brought up. Then again, everything he had ever done was directed at inching his face as close as he could to hers. Before it felt like it was just to cause her to get flustered, this time was different. This time she felt something more than some annoyance, she felt passion, desire, everything she had wanted, but it happened in the completely wrong way and ended terribly.  As it stood, Nadia was at a loss for words. She liked it, but she didn’t know if it came upon from the best of circumstances. 

“It was wrong.” Aidan scratched a horn on his head just to think but also it made him appear a bit more meek. “I just don’t know what came over me.” He looked around, “You kind of just stir that in me. I’ve never had these emotions before and I’m sorry, I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” continuing to talk didn’t seem to be making things better, but right now he was the one flustered and for once wasn’t choosing his words carefully. “Don’t get me wrong, that was great, I mean you’re great, you’re just… wow.” He stopped and looked at her now speechless.

“I-” Nadia wanted to reply but cut herself off, she wasn’t exactly understanding what he was thinking, he was clearly battling over something so she stopped herself. 

“I think I’ll just be going.” He pointed a thumb behind himself and turned around, he had already said a lot and this was clearly something that was a mistake.

It infuriated Nadia to no end that he was going to be content with just leaving. He had his chance to leave what felt like a lifetime ago. Before he went and stole that kiss why did he get to decide to leave now? “What. The. Hell.” She didn’t ask, she exclaimed, it was the most harsh she had ever said three words before in her life and she said it with conviction. Aidan turned around looking at her, almost scared. “You could have left before, when I told you to leave!” volume was starting to increase and the heat from before was turning into a heat of rage, “What makes you think you can just go like that?”

“Nadia, I know what you’re thinking, but seriously, calm down.” Terror was all over his face and it made her happy to see him start to cower before her for once. Since the first day they met she had spent more time than she would have liked brewing some form of emotion for him and now that he flushed out a passion he wasn’t going to be able to suppress it with just his scared looks and shaking voice. 

“Don’t you tell me to calm down!” She stomped her foot, “Sera wanted me to at least give you a chance, ‘You’re not like other demons’ she’d say, but Ma’at was right. You’re nothing but a damn, awful, stupid, lousy-”

She was cut off in her rant by a tight hug. It was stronger than the one that embraced her for a kiss. This one was holding her close not for comfort but for security. Her arms held down to her sides with her head rested on his chest. “Shhh.” He whispered, “Just listen.” 

The warmth from before was bellowing into a full fire against her skin. She could feel it calling out to her innermost anger, the kind of anger that she feared. It was the kind of anger she could feel would make her harm someone, the closest thing. Her head was aching, everything around her stirred the anger, and through it all she could hear someone calling her name. It was hushed far quieter than anything else in the courtyard and still it was one thing that Nadia knew she couldn’t ignore. “Nadia.” the whisper touched not her ears but her heart. It was boiling over grabbing at the part that wanted to just destroy everything pulling it to the surface flushing out all other thoughts and emotions. 

“Every part of me wants to stay here, you hear that voice, calling you.” Aidan talked to her frankly while holding her close, his head rested on the top of her head, “That voice, it wants to ruin everything. It wants to hurt you.” he paused and gulped,  “That demon.” He squeezed her even tighter burying his head in her hair, “You stir so many emotions in me, things I hadn't felt before. You hold such a bright light and the fire I carry, it wants to destroy it all.” 

Nadia huffed, as she heard his reasoning she understood. Her shoulders unclenched and her fists finally relaxed though in her palms little marks were left from where her nails dug in so sharply. Sera had told her that it was just in her nature, but she didn’t have to live by it. Her feelings were her own, so it was that she echoed the same words to him Sera had chanted to her hours before, “You’re half human.” She reached her arms up wrapping them around him just as tightly as he held her. He cringed from the grasp, but she didn’t let go, “You don’t have to give in to your demon half.” It was everything she could do to keep him here. He had his chances to hold her, she was going to control his escape now.

The arms wrapped around him were new. The fire was doused urging him to rest easy. Aidan wanted to stay like this. At the same time, the wrath he was bred to feel was not appreciating the confined space. He could feel it clawing against his heart, pushing into him those strong feelings for him to just take her and snap her fragile little body. This light though, shining through all that hate, it was Nadia fighting against her instincts so the least Aidan could do was push passed the awkward grumbling of his inner demon to give her this moment. He was far stronger than the starved monster he had tortured into submission. This was, as Aidan was told the true difference between the angels and demons. Angels they were made of everything good, demons just the opposite. Humans being stuck able to choose their path, so why, Aidan thought, can’t he make his human half bigger? Why can’t I be more human for her?

In this moment Nadia let him go. She had given in to his distraction; her day was changed from her course he self discovery, molded and weaved into helping him. It was those little feelings of caring that rushed to her a realization that she was content in doing what she had wanted to do. She was resigned to wanting to make people feel better. She could feel his pain and she wanted to help him. She had always felt this, but in the time she spent caring for Aidan, she had come to realize it was her purpose. Her mother, she still loathed to think of, had in the beginning wanted nothing less than that as well. Where Hope had gotten lost on her path Nadia was going to be redeemed. She wasn’t going to fall victim to the senseless urges that the angel inside her wanted to submit to. She was supposed to be half human and it was about time she started to take her own advice. “Aidan,” she looked at him and talked quietly, “I want you to come back with me so I can introduce you to Odion and Ma’at.”