The Diary

In the arms of love (6)

Previously ;

She tried to compose herself, but it was out before she had a chance to think about it. Out like a burst water pipe, she was relieved to be rid of the guilt. She heard herself telling a stranger about her little boy whom she had to give up for adoption 30 years ago. How he finally found her through the adoption agency and desperately wanted to meet her and become part of her life.

The stranger sat and listened in silence, nodding his head until she finally remained silent. She looked into his eyes, and all her fear and shame disappeared. All the things of yesterday vanished like ice in the bright . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

She told him why she and Andrew didn't have children. That despite all the tests over the years, this was not possible. How she received the results that made Andrew the one who kept them childless. How she told Andrew that she was the one at fault. She was always the strong one in their relationship and couldn't get herself to tell him the truth.

'He'll never trust me again. I lied to him about something so big.'

'You love your husband unconditionally. It was wrong what you did, but you did it unselfishly. You thought of your child when you couldn't take care of him, and you once again thought of your husband when you knew his heart would break if he learned the true outcome of that test. You always consider others above yourself. When are you going to start doing something for yourself? You were forgiven years ago, but you have to start forgiving yourself.'

'How do you know I was forgiven?' tears were welling in her eyes.

'I know that because you have a good heart. I can see it in your eyes,' his smile was healing, 'go, tell your husband the truth, meet your son. The truth will set you free, and only then will you find peace.'

'I feel so ashamed and guilty for what I've done,' tears were running freely down her face now.

'You feel ashamed and guilty because voices want to make you believe it. It has succeeded in making you believe all these years that it is impossible to bring out the truth and has succeeded in keeping your peace from you. It's time for you to take it back.'

She didn't answer him right away. Instead, she just sat still and waited for his words to sink in. For her hungry heart to be satisfied with the questions and doubts that had been pursuing her for so long.

When all was silent within her, she looked up gratefully and took his hand so that he could help her up. Walking back to her car, it occurred to her that she didn't know his name. She looked back to asked him, but he was gone. The stranger disappeared just as quickly as he had arrived. Her eyes looked for him across the empty field, under the shady tree where they were sitting just a moment ago, down to the cliff edge, but without success. Where did he go to so quickly? Was he even there? She hadn't seen him coming either.

Back in her car, she spotted her phone protruding slightly from between the seats. Then, looking up, she spotted a sign, with the road's name, that she missed the first time.

Andrew arrived within half an hour. Feeling safe in Andrew's arms, she felt so much lighter.

'My darling,' he whispered, 'I've been waiting for you for nineteen years to ask me for help. It's always been me asking for your help, but today you needed me, and it felt wonderful.'

That's true. She has always been the strong one in their relationship, the pillar in their marriage. Oh, how wonderful it was to be the weak one! Even after Andrew told her that he knew everything. He found out about her son and learned about the test that exposed his inability to conceive a child. But because she was so busy being strong for the both of them, she couldn't see it. It was clear that, after all, he was the strongest of the two. She was weak for the first time but didn't care.

The tears of joy and peace ran down her face as she looked lovingly up at him. The birds in the trees sang more beautifully than ever before, and the song in her heartbeat was a rhythm of happiness when she heard her husband say, 'Come on, let's meet our son.' 

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