Vilfred's

Empty White Room

Dying at the age of 18 was not something I've ever planned to do. Killing myself by a gunshot in the head was something I thought I would never experience in a million years. But it felt so right when I pulled the trigger, although I felt nothing.

'Did I pull the trigger?' was the first thing that came to my mind.

The only thing that made me realize that it happened was the fact my head was lying on top of my desk soaked in wet liquid. I could smell the faint stench of iron, so it must be blood. Although my eyes are open, everything went white. No matter where I look, everything was white. Louis Armstrong's song slowly faded until I can't hear the tune at all.

Maybe my eyes were closed, but I don't know? It felt like I was floating in an empty white room. I feel like I've been drifting for a very long time. It's like drifting off to sleep with a blank dream.

It felt so right for that to happen. It might even be one of the things I don't regret doing in my life, even if the tears in my eyes fell uncontrollably--before I shot myself.

You would think I killed myself to relieve myself of my suffering, but I had other plans. I hope the devil himself picks my soul for endless torture. I deserved that. After going through two years of agony, getting punished for everything I've done is salvation for me. I'm ready to face hell again--if it's the same as I experienced here on earth.

I feel like my body's just floating and floating. When will the floating stop? When will my body come crushing down to hell? Was it supposed to take this long to arrive at eternal oblivion?

Flashes of memories of the past came to my mind. At the time, I was still happy. At the time, I thought everything's fine. At the time, I wasn't scared of what the future holds.

And then more memories came flooding in, but it wasn't happy memories. I could remember clearly the way everything I have disappeared. The time everything I thought would never go away--got away. I recalled the memories of how I lost everything.

I didn't know I was crying. I just found out when I could vaguely see clumps of tears floating around me. I watched the clumps float, float, and float--until I just broke down into this sobbing mess again.

I couldn't hear myself cry. I just knew. It felt like a suppressed cry that I've been trying to hold back for ages. And the problem, an unknown force, was still silencing my agonizing cries.

Was death supposed to be like this? Was everything supposed to feel numb but, at the same time, hurt? Was my anguish still be silenced even after living the life of being silenced through pain?

Everything hurts, no matter how numb my body felt.

I tried to move something--a leg or an arm to see if I can move inside this small empty white room.

Just like that, my body stopped floating and came crashing down like I never floated at all. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out from it. I could feel my eyes widen as wide as it could go from the jolt of surprise from the sudden fall. The air was against me as if it's trying to push me back to where I was at first.

I was not in an empty white room. I never was.

I don't know what to do. All I see is white, the clumps of tears are no longer floating around me, and I don't even know if my heart's beating with fear. I'm not even sure where my head's turning, let alone my eyes.

Suddenly, a light brighter than white (I don't know how it's possible) flashed everywhere. It's too blinding! If only I can close my eyes. The temperature was also growing warmer and warmer as I fall to wherever I land. I didn't feel the warmth entirely--it was my mind that kept saying that it was getting warmer. There were also small, various whispers from every direction as if it was trying to talk to me.

I opened my mouth again to talk back or at least hear myself make a sound. Any sound other than air putting pressure in my ears. I feel like I was on fire as I fall. The light was getting brighter and brighter.

I tried to make a sound again, a squirm, a flail, anything.

The voices were getting louder and louder, along with the pressure of the air popping my ears. I narrowed my eyes, looking around everywhere. But to no avail, nothing was coming to my mind.

Calm down, Vilfred.

I don't know if I'm breathing or not. My top priority right now is to clear my mind. I need to find a way to break the fall. But something strange happened. I narrowed my eyes in the blinding light that was enveloping me. I feel like the whole part of me is burning now, and when the light disappeared, I can finally see my entire body fully. From my arms to my toes, everything was clear in my eyes. I touched my face, and I could feel something wet on my cheeks as the numbness of my whole body slowly left. I expected clumps of tears again, but instead, it was beads of sweat that formed when I could feel the heat more and more.

I was starting to feel something physically.

I tried to make a sound again with the first word that came into my mind. "Help."

I can finally hear myself, although it's as quiet as a whisper.

"Vilfred. Vilfred. Vilfred." A voice called.

Who's calling me? Why does the voice sound so familiar? Why does it give me a heavy feeling within?

The light from beneath got brighter and brighter that I still can't believe it's possible. My fall broke, and I expected the end to hurt. But it didn't--I laid down on something soft.

The bright light dimmed and faded until there wasn't light at all. I could still hear the whispers around me.

"Vilfred, wake up."

I wasn't in the empty white room anymore.