I can’t believe I said that to him.
I’d never said that to anyone...... ever.
Did I love him?
I loved elements of him but could I love all of him?
Was my emotional outburst really about being relieved that my experiment had seemed to bring about the result I’d hoped for, sort of, that even though it kind of backfired a little, that I’d pulled a reaction out of him that told me that maybe I could get and keep this under control?
Me in control, controlling the control freak by knowing how to handle him, what to give him.
Or was I so relieved that I could do this because I did love him, I loved the possibilities of being in love, the moments of sweet, the fierce protection he’d showed me.
I didn’t know.
I just didn’t f*****g know.
He grunted my name and came inside of me and the
