But right now I was feeling a little gross because some of what we’d done made me think about her being abused. I never wanted her to know that I felt this. I didn’t want her to remember any of the abuse, didn’t want her to associate anything she and I did together with anything she’d done with anyone else.
When I got off on slapping her it flashed that someone else doing the same would mean her coming hard, not fighting it. Then I’d feel like I was sick in the head for getting off on it.
I wanted to give her what she needed but I also wanted her whole. I wanted her to be mine. But I didn’t want her to stay in that place where she got off on pain. If I did what the sick f***s who hurt her did to her and she got off on it, what did that make me?
How was taking their advice on how to g
