A Place for Secrets: A Southern Gothic

Seams

Fletcher lifted me out of the truck and let me slide down his body as we started into his house. It was a cabin on the river. It was the quintessential bachelor’s hunting lodge. The walls were cedar wood paneling and every surface was either granite or leather.  Most women would want to leave their mark at their boyfriend’s house, but I loved everything about it. Fletcher deserved to have something of his own.

I pulled him in for a kiss as soon as we entered the door. His arms wrapped around me and his rough worked hands lay hotly on my skin. He pushed into the small of my back and brought me closer.

“Fix me a drink?” I whispered into his ear.

“Is that really what you want? I could take care of you in so many other ways.” He pulled my ponytail down and gently tugged at my sweater.

“Oh, that sounds much more satisfying.” I let myself be talked out of whisky for something much more potent. I clamored out of my boots and let myself be taken to his large leather sofa. I was very attentive to his desires and he knew exactly where to touch me to drive me crazy. Once we had exhausted ourselves, I asked again, “Whisky?”

He moved my legs which were draped over him and prepared my favorite Islay Malt on the rocks. I took a sip and peered over the rim deviously.

“I don’t want to wait.” I whispered, begging to be heard. He hung his head.

“G, please don’t tell me that when you look like you do right now.”

“You mean half dressed?” I tried to joke.

“Yes.” Silence.

“Graye, there is nothing I want more in this life, but we can’t take advantage of each other when we are so hot right now.” He was right. Fletcher knew about Drumm, and he knew how he treated me when it came to s*x. He was my first, but he was not gentle or loving or kind. I had such expectation for what intimacy would be like in general, but fantasy was what I had expected from Drumm. I loved him so deeply that I accepted whatever he did with relish, even when I was unsure about it. Surely, he would be considerate of my desires, but wasn’t it my desire to please him?

I thought about what it could be like with Fletcher. Everything would be slow and calculated. His attention would be on me at all times, making sure not only to satiate, but also to ensure that I was not having any misgivings about the act. I know he would ask me gently if I was alright, and if I was ready. I knew it wouldn’t be the case every time, but certainly our first.

“You’re not him.” I said faintly with tears in my eyes. How long would I pay for the wrongs of my past.

“I know, that is why I have to make this call.” I could tell by his body that this was exactly the opposite of what his flesh wanted, but I couldn’t beg him further. Even good men are susceptible to coercion.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” Not even my lashes could hide my longing. I didn’t want to go home alone. I knew I would call Beau. I knew he would come. I knew I would make the wrong decisions.

“Of course. Your car is at your house, so no one should see anything out of the ordinary.” Fletcher’s lodge was veiled in the trees and was lifted to avoid flooding from the river. I felt safe there. It was the adult equivalent of a treehouse and like a child I wanted to hide away like it was my own.

We got ready for bed with relative silence. Fletcher would gently move me when he needed something or rub my back to signal that he was going to lean over me to get something out of the cabinets. I got into bed as he brought waters for our bedside tables. It was a rhythm that was seamless and uninterrupted by the world around us. I love him.

Fletcher cradled me in his arms and quickly started to quietly snore. The heat of his body paired perfectly with the cool repetitive fan blades above. I couldn’t help but whisper, “I love you.”