Devilish Mate

11

She held me the entire time, offering me silent, strong comfort. She didn’t ask me to explain. She didn’t tell me it would be okay. She simply allowed me to find my way through the grief while showing me I wasn’t alone in it. Like a true friend.

Eventually, I tried to talk, a garbled stream of consciousness punctuated by sobs and uncoordinated inhales and gasps. “It hurts too bad. I—I wish I’d never remembered. Why did I have to know so badly? I should have listened. I should have let the past die...”

Zel pushed back enough to look me in the eyes. “No. It’s better that you know, even if the memories are painful. I know you believe this. You’re an Ofanim. Truth is everything to your kind. No matter how hard it is to bear it.”

I hated her at that moment because she was right. I’d never be satisfied without the truth. But even accepting that, I didn’t know how to stop the overwhelming tide of agony. All I could do was let it wash over me, burying my face as I let more tears fall. It was pointless trying to hold them back. I surrendered and let the grief take me away, because I didn’t know how to bring it to an end any other way.

A

t some point, I fell asleep and didn’t wake until sunlight brightened the day outside, shining through the windows. This time when I opened my eyes, it was my sister sitting beside me. She stroked my head like a mother looking after her child, and that only made my chest tighten up again.

“Do you understand now?” she asked. “Why I had to do it?”

Her questions and her tone instantly put me on edge. I sat up and stared at her, feeling hollow inside. “I asked you to do it.”

“Yes,” she said with a sigh of relief. “I’m so sorry. I wish you never had to remember any of it.”

I shook my head as more memories returned, this time of my life after my resurrection—as a human. Living fake lives in different cities, oblivious to my true self, believing all the lies my sister told me about who I was. Jophiel always kept me close to her, in towns big enough that people wouldn’t notice me much, but small enough that I wouldn’t be easily found. But I inevitably uncovered something that made me question everything about myself, and then she would swoop in again. Over and over she gave me a new life and a new identity, wiping my brain so many times I’m surprised I didn’t have permanent damage from it. And any new friends or connections I’d made in that time? Any interests or accomplishments I’d achieved? All the places I came to call home? Gone. Forever.

Yes, I’d asked to forget. Yes, I’d asked to die and be reborn again. But I hadn’t asked for that.

My voice was hoarse and my throat scratchy as I said, “What you did was unforgivable.”

“I only did what you asked me to do,” she said, and the look she gave me was exasperated rather than apologetic. “I was trying to help you.”

“You were trying to control me.” I threw off the covers and got out of bed, needing space from her. “You took away my ability to have a real life. With friends. With family. With a home or a career or anything of my own.”

“I know it seems extreme, but I also kept you alive and safe for forty years. If you’d gone back to living as Haniel, Adam would have killed you again.” Her tone was so reasonable, and that only upset me even more.

“You took everything from me. My memories, my power, my identity...” My heart twisted. “And my mate.”

“You asked me to take away the pain, and that’s what I did. You must remember now how distraught you were. I only wanted to help you get through the grief.” A flicker of pain marred Jophiel’s perfect features for a moment. “I understand the loss of a child. I know how it breaks you. You might remember that I lost a daughter too once, before you were even born. More recently, my son, Ekariel, was taken from me when he was a child. For years I believed he was dead, but a few months ago he was rescued from a cult, yet that didn’t erase the suffering I endured all that time. There’s nothing as painful as losing a child. I didn’t want you to have to go through that too.”

“When I asked you to wipe my memories, I wasn’t in my right mind,” I said, as tears slipped my eyes again at the reminder of my loss. “For f**k’s sake, I asked you to kill me too! You should have comforted me and given me time to grieve with Lucifer over our loss, instead of trying to fix the problem by taking everything away from me!”

She reached for me, but I sidestepped her touch. “You’re my little sister. If you’re in pain, I’ll do whatever I can to fix that.”

“But you turned my life into a lie! I don’t even know who I am anymore!” Fury and despair pounded through me, throbbing in my head, filling me until I couldn’t contain it anymore. My wings burst from my back, and golden light shot out of me, knocking over a lamp behind me and throwing the bedsheets back.

Jophiel stood, one hand outstretched like she was trying to stop me from doing something rash. “Haniel, please. I know this is a lot to take in. But you must stay calm.”

I was about to tell her to shove calm up her ass, when Azazel ran into the room, her daggers out—one gleaming with white light, the other seething with darkness.

“What was that?” Zel asked, scanning the room for any apparent threat.