Most Ardently

Will You Have Me? Will You Want Me?

We spent a lot of time together after that day. I had seen Santana in a form she never wanted to be seen in, and the dynamic of our relationship was different from that which she had with her other friends.

She confided in me, telling me everything. I was the only one who knew about the insane amount of pressure she faced from her parents to excel in school and go to a prominent university. I was the only one who knew that, more than anything else, she wanted to be a writer. She wanted to tell compelling stories and paint pictures in the minds of anyone who would read her works.

I read a few of her poems. Santana felt everything. When she wrote about the things that she had seen others go through it was as if she put herself in that person's mind, as if she had gone through the same things that they had. Her writing was moving, her penmanship articulate and riveting. I was certain that she could be a renowned writer if her parents would just support her, let her follow her dreams.

I was her confidant, her shoulder to cry on. She told me when her parents fought with each other, when she fought with her parents, when she was feeling depressed and anxious. I could not do much to assuage her negative feelings, all I could do was be there for her. It was enough.

My feelings grew. Santana was witty. Humorous. Compassionate. Kind. Generous. She was also extremely beautiful. Everyday her beauty grew and wrapped around me like a spell. Being around her made me realise how much I would hate to be without her. She did not reciprocate, giving no intention that she viewed me as anything other than a friend and a support. I had to change that.

First I had to be the type of person she would find attractive. I got a haircut that complemented my face better. I wore cohesive outfits and tried to colour match. I even started wearing turtlenecks. Soon I was getting more attention from the girls at school, but she still seemed disinterested. She noticed the change and told me how well put together I was nowadays, but she gave not even the slightest hint of romantic interest.

It was mortifying. I tried to be more obvious about it. Every time we hung out together outside of school hours I brought her a single rose. Every single time. Each time she would smile, thank me and tuck it into the hair above her ear. Every time we went to the mall together I tried to buy her gifts. Once she pointed out a ring that she thought was pretty, but would not buy for some reason. I went back, got it and wrapped it up before giving it to her the next time I snuck into her room. She hugged me excitedly and wore it everyday after that, but still she gave no indication of interest.

Eventually, I had to give up. Continuously buying her rings and necklaces was burning up any pocket money I had, and I could not keep handling plants that I was allergic to in the hopes that she would view me as more than a friend. It was never going to happen.

One day we opted out of going to the cafeteria and instead sat in the stairwell during lunch. She showed me a note that she got from this guy Jake, who said that he liked her a lot. He was a football player and a member of the school's drama club. To be fair, he was a decent guy. I just could not like him in that moment because I just heard that he was macking on the my best friend who I also liked in a non-platonic way.

"I didn't even know that he liked me, but Rachel said that it was obvious," she concluded her story.

"Could you not tell? The guy only says hi to you when he runs out on the pitch before a football game. He literally bought you a teddy bear on Valentine's Day."

"Well, we are friends, and he didn't ask me to be his Valentine. Those are just things friends do." My god, this girl was oblivious.

"So you're telling me that if someone keeps trying to find ways to spend time with you and buying you gifts, you wouldn't think that they were flirting with you because 'that's just what friends do'?"

"Does that count as flirting?"

"It's literally the definition of flirting. How can you not be able to tell?" I was stunned. This would explain so much.

"If buying someone gifts and finding ways to spend time with them is flirting, then you would have been flirting with me this whole time, dummy."

I raised an eyebrow. I wasn't going to reply, just let her slowly come to her own conclusion. I could actually see when the penny finally dropped.

"Are you telling me that you've been flirting with me this whole time, James?"

"Yes, Santana. I really like you a lot and I tried almost everything to hint at it but it always seemed like you were ignoring it all because you didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me that you didn't like me back."

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry, James, I literally had no idea. I thought you had a compulsive spending habit or something. I didn't know you felt this way."

"It's okay. I should have known you wouldn't realize. You live in a world of your own most of the time."

"I wish you would have just told me sooner," she said, sliding down to sit next to me on the step, "because then I could have told you that I liked you back."

She looked me dead in the eyes for a few seconds before putting her left hand on my face. My breath quickened. This was really happening. I tilted myself forward a bit before she uses her hand to gently bring my face closer to hers.

And then she kissed me.