Code and Compassion

Silent Duas

Chapter 9: Silent Duas

The grandfather clock in the downstairs hallway chimed twice, its low, rhythmic tones echoing through the silent house. Upstairs in her bedroom, Zara tossed and turned, the heavy linen sheets twisted around her ankles. Sleep was completely out of the question tonight. Every time she closed her eyes, the image of Zayd from earlier that afternoon played on a loop in her mind. She could still hear the raw emotion in his voice when he spoke about his young cousin, and she could still see the intense, protective fire in his eyes when he talked about launching the charity clinic.

He was kind. He was brilliant. He was deeply, unapologetically rooted in his faith. In fact, he was everything she had ever secretly made dua for in a spouse. But that realization terrified her to her absolute core.

Zara sat up in bed, burying her face in her hands. A heavy knot of doubt twisted in her stomach. Am I falling for him because of who he is? she questioned herself fiercely in the dark. Or am I just projecting my own lifelong dreams onto him because he happens to be building the exact software I need? She was terrified of making a mistake. She was terrified of letting her emotions cloud her judgment, especially when they had both agreed to keep their relationship strictly professional. If she let her guards down and he didn’t feel the same way, it would ruin the entire clinic project and destroy the sanctuary they were building for the children.

Unable to bear the racing thoughts any longer, Zara swung her legs out of bed. The floorboards were cold against her bare feet, grounding her. She walked quietly into the adjacent bathroom, turning on the tap. The cold water shocked her skin as she began to perform wudu, the ritual ablution. As she washed her hands, her face, and her arms, letting the cool water soothe her burning skin, she felt the frantic rhythm of her heart begin to slow down. Islam taught that water extinguished anger and anxiety, and tonight, she felt that truth in her very bones.

She returned to her room, pulled her long, white prayer outfit over her clothes, and unrolled her padded prayer mat on the floor, facing the Qiblah toward Mecca. The entire neighborhood was asleep, shrouded in the peaceful stillness that only exists in the deepest hours of the night.

Zara stood up to pray Tahajjud, the voluntary night prayer. In the quietest hours, when the rest of the world was oblivious, she felt a profound closeness to her Creator. She moved through the standing, the bowing, and finally, she lowered her body into the prostration. With her forehead resting against the soft fabric of the mat, the dam broke. Tears finally slipped from her eyes, dampening the cloth beneath her.

After finishing the prayer, she remained seated on the floor, her legs folded beneath her. She raised her hands, palms open toward the heavens, to perform Salatul-Istikhara—the specific prayer for seeking divine guidance when facing a massive life decision.

"Oh Allah," Zara whispered into the darkness, her voice trembling with raw vulnerability. "I seek Your guidance through Your knowledge, and I seek ability through Your power. You know what is hidden in my heart, and I do not. Oh Allah, if You know that Zayd is good for me—for my religion, my livelihood, and the ultimate end of my affairs—then ordain him for me, make him easy for me, and bless our union. But if You know that he is a distraction, or that our paths are meant to be separate, then turn him away from me, turn my heart away from him, and grant me contentment with whatever You decree."

She wiped the tears from her face with her palms and lowered her hands. For the first time in weeks, the chaotic storm inside her mind completely vanished. A deep, heavy sense of stillness and peace washed over her entire body. She didn't know what Zayd was thinking, and she didn't know what the future held for their clinic. But as she rolled up her prayer mat, she smiled through her fading tears. She didn't need to have all the answers tonight. She had handed her heart over to the Best of Planners, and she knew He would never lead her astray.