Gods of Death

15 : Three

Victor couldn't see. It wasn't night; he had just left that, albeit filled with the stars of ancient Greece, no, this was too dark for this. A complete absence of light.

"Emma?"

There was no reply from the imp. Victor took another step forward, hoping his feet would find some sort of purchase. They did; whatever else was wrong, the ground was thankfully solid.

"Emma?"

He was alone. Nervous, he took out his sword, swinging it slowly around to see if it touched anything; a wall, a stupid imp who thinks its funny to scare him.

Nothing.

"Emma, s**t!"

What was this place? It was cool, a standard room temperature. The air was motionless.

"f**k, Emma, we've really done it now."

Victor took another step forward, his feet gingerly testing the ground before each step.

A voice shattered his thoughts:

"What the f**k are you doing, s**t-for-brains?"

Three. Victor groaned.

"I'm not f*****g coming in there to get you."

"Three?" Victor asked.

"Is that what you call me?" The wizened old God cackled. "You've got some f*****g nerve."

"Where am I?"

"Nowhere. Almost literally nowhere."

"How do I get out?"

There was a shimmer and Victor's eyes were suddenly filled with the too-familiar orange glow of Hell. "f**k," he said, sinking to the ground.

Three smiled at him. Toothy and evil.

"Where are the others?" Victor asked, looking around. He was in an area that was new to him; the same dark rocks and background lava-light, but they were different rocks. Above his head was a jagged outcrop and behind him a wall of stone. He leaned back.

"We're not joined at the f*****g hip! I thought maybe you'd like to talk to me alone."

"And why would I want that?"

"Because you want answers, shithead. Answers the others are never going to give you."

"And you are?" Victor tried to keep his voice neutral but he knew his desire would show through.

"I might," Three conceded.

"Why?"

"Is that your first question? I'll give you three, in honour of my new name."

"No, it's not."

"Fair enough, I'm not a f*****g genie, I won't hold you to it."

Three questions. Victor's mind swam. He couldn't trust anything that was said to him anyway; was this a pointless t*****e?

"How am I dying?" he asked.

"Is that so important to you? What does it bother you? Hit by a bus, poisoned by a trusted friend, fell of a cliff. Does it make any difference?"

"It does to me."

"Hmm, OK. I can't tell you."

"What? Why?"

"Are those questions?"

"No, they are not my f*****g questions."

"I thought not." Three laughed again. "Two left."

"What's going on?"

"That's a brave question. It's very vague. I could answer it with 'we're sitting here talking'."

"But you won't."

"Won't I?"

"No. You are too arrogant, too happy to play with me, too willing to show how f*****g clever you are."

"Yes, all of that is true."

"So you'll tell me something, maybe not enough, maybe not everything, but you'll tell me something." Victor said.

"I knew you were the right one. They didn't think so at first, but I knew you were. You are going to get the job done."

"What's going on?"

"OK, I'll answer that one, in part." Three sat on the floor, "We want to live in Heaven. We're bored of Hell and there's no waterpark. I like swimming.

"Plus there's the fact that we like torturing people, especially you, you react so nicely to it all, trying to keep calm and in control rather than just screaming or ranting like the rest of them.

"And no one ever thought you'd really be able to kill Archangels, so the fact that you are managing it gives us all hope. Isn't that wonderful?

"Ice cream too, there's f**k all ice cream in Hell.

"That," he said with a degree of finality, "is pretty much it."

"You're such a t**t," Victor commented.

Three smiled.

"Can I save Emma too?" Victor's question surprised himself even as he said it, but he knew it was the right one.

"The little imp? She's f*****g a foot tall, how have you fallen for the f*****g imp?" Three started to laugh, then began a little dance, twirling around in erratic circles.

"That's f*****g priceless, she was meant to t*****e you, to needle you and laugh when you f****d up, and you've fallen in puppy love with her. Oh, this is just the best. I knew it! I knew you were going to be the finest entertainment this entire realm has to offer. Does she know? Oh tell me she doesn't know so I can tell her. I want to see the look on her little devil face."

"Are you going to answer the question?" Victor asked, maintaining a posture of utter calm.

"Yes, you can save Emma, your girlfriend. She means very little to us, and we will happily throw her in as a bonus. Four more f*****g Archangels to go, though Victor, then you can have little Emma."

"As she used to be."

"What makes you think she's ever been anything except a little imp? What has she been lying to you about? Emma is a denizen of Hell, Victor, she's not some princess who was turned into an ugly imp by an evil witch on her sixteenth birthday. She's pure Hell, born and bred. I can show you the little men imps that have been having their way with her throughout eternity if you like! Or even if you don't like."

"As she used to be," Victor reiterated.

"For f**k's sake, Vic, sure. Whatever you want. Whatever form little Emma used to be, you can have her like that."

Victor nodded.

"Well, this little chat has been fun. You owe me now, Victor, owe me. Not the others, not little Emma, me. I was the one that pulled you out of the nothing. I was the one who answered your questions, and I'm going to be the one who gives you your girlfriend when this is all done."

"I understand,” Victor said.

"Time to go!"

The shimmer made him lurch again. Victor crawled to his feet. He looked up to see One and Two standing in their usual way. Emma was hovering in the air, not looking at him.

"He's ready," said Three. "Just send them."

"No more ideas of your own," said One, his voice stern, "or there won't be another chance. Marzena will be joining you soon. Don't bicker."

Victor threw up as Hell dissolved again.