Shameless: Dark Love

2. Judge

2

Judge

I ride the long winding roads that lead in and out of Rocky Cove. I don’t ride anywhere in particular, just ride for the sake of it. Clearing my head, maybe. Trying to get a handle on the way things are now that Patrick is out of prison. I ride past the Darkwood, a small patch of trees and fallen browns leaves bordering the eastern side of Rocky Cove, down the thin twisting road, and on and on through the darkness. My bike roars beneath me as I reach one hundred, and then one twenty.

Riding normally helps me think, but tonight thinking is difficult. Patrick doesn’t get that the Satan’s Martyrs is a goddamn business. That’s the problem. Maybe he watched too many movies in prison. Maybe he got some stupid ideas in that thick skull of his. The Satan’s Martyrs exist to make money. Of course, there’s pride and loyalty. That’s an important part of the club. But the club crumbles the second we stop making money.

Goddamn, brother, I think, roaring toward Sapphire Lake.

I stop my bike in the car park beside the lake. It’s empty. The night is clear. I climb off my bike and walk to the edge of it, looking down at the water. I’m not usually the stand-by-the-water-and-think kind of guy, but tonight’s been that sort of night. Hell, the last week since Patrick got free has been that sort of week.

Just yesterday we did a routine muscle job for some rich prick with a beach house one mile from the Cove. One of the pros of Rocky Cove, according to the tourist brochures, is that it's next to the beach but not right on it. It should’ve been an easy job. This rich prick had made some enemies by drilling some woman who happened to be married. All we had to do is sit round back and deal with trouble if any came up. The rich prick was throwing a rich-prick party and he was afraid the husband and his friends might show up. Easy. The easiest money an outlaw will ever make.

I slump to my ass next to the lake, stretch my legs out, and for a few minutes it’s like the events of the night are playing out in the water.

Five of us sit in the guy’s garden, around a plastic table at the back, in the dark, smoking cigarettes.

It’s me, Gunny, Max and Craig the Remington brothers, and Patrick.

“Imagine having all that money and blowing it on parties like these,” Gunny laughs in his deep voice. “Did you see what the guy was wearing. A goddamn mask?”

“It’s one of those masquerade parties,” Craig puts in.

“You're an expert now?” Gunny says. “Maybe you should hang up your leather and become a party planner.”

We all laugh, including Craig.

“Read a book or watch a movie, you giant lump, and you’ll know what a masquerade party is.”

“The only time I care about masks is when a woman’s face don’t match her body.”

“And that, my friend,” Craig says, “is why you’ll die alone.”

“Ha, ha.” Gunny shrugs. “I won’t die alone. I’ll be surrounded by hookers on a bed of Benjamins.”

“Jobs like this and it’ll be easy,” Max comments. “We’re here to sort s**t out if some random guy comes here and starts causing trouble. This is a walk in the park compared to our normal gigs—”

“Is this my coming home gig, then?” Patrick suddenly snaps.

I sit next to him, close enough so that, even in the dark, I can see that his mouth is twisted into a grimace. He clenches his knuckles and his bulky cheeks tremble. He looks like he’s about to explode. I take a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of my leather and hand them to him. “Relax, brother,” I say. “This is easy money.”

He ignores the cigarettes and shakes his head. “Years rotting in a cage, and this is what I come back to. Where’s the excitement in this? If I wanted to sit around and do nothing, I would’ve stayed in the cage.”

“You got a problem with money?” Gunny asks.

The only light comes from the house, which flashes like a disco, and from the embers of the cigarettes Gunny, Max, and Craig smoke. The lights from the house stop about fifteen yards from us, crawling up the rich prick’s massive garden and then cutting short.

“Money don’t mean a thing,” Patrick says.

I put the pack of cigarettes back into my pocket and lean back in my chair. Let him tire himself out, I think. He’s due a little rant. He took one for the club, after all. Screw that, he took one for me more than anything.

Gunny makes to speak, but I hold up my hand. He immediately closes his mouth. We sit in silence for a while longer as the party goes on. The sounds of music, giggling, and dancing reach us only quietly. The grass is dew-flecked and my boots are wet up to the ankles. When we breathe, our breath plumes in front of us.

“What good is money when you turn soft and weak and pathetic?” Patrick barks into the quiet. “Tell me that! Sitting here like cowards—like we’re the guy’s gardeners or something—instead of sorting this out directly. Why don’t we just find this husband and put him in the ground? Tell me that. It’d be a damned better way to spend our time than sitting here and talking trash and smoking—”

“Enough,” I say.

I don’t raise my voice, but Patrick stops his ranting and turns to me. His face trembles worse than before and he opens and closes his hands, as though wishing for something to squeeze, to break.

“Tell me, then, why we don’t—”

“Because this isn’t a movie and we weren’t paid to kill the husband. That’s why. Maybe you’ve forgotten, brother, but we’re not outlaws for free. We’re outlaws for hire.”

“Yeah,” Gunny murmurs. “Why risk putting one of us in the can—maybe even you again, Patrick—just to feel tough? We’ll set up the ring when we get back to the club and do some boxing, if you like. You can feel tough then. Hell, I’ll even bet on you.”

“Boxing.” Patrick shakes his head. “When did you all become such cowards—”

“Careful, brother,” I say. Slowly, I stand up, looming over him.

I think that’s it. He keeps his gaze on the dew-flecked grass, shaking his head, biting his lip. But when I’m about to sit down, he lurches to his feet and pulls his pistol from his waistband.

“I’m taking care of this,” he hisses. “I’ll get us a better deal for taking care of the husband. We’ll ride out tonight and sort it.”

He begins to walk toward the house.

Anger flares in me, a pulsing in my head. My hands ache and my muscles tense, becoming tight, screaming at me to use them.

“Gunny,” I say, voice shaking.

“Boss?”

“When he wakes up, make sure he stays quiet.”

Gunny tilts his head at me. “Wakes up, boss?”

I ignore him and march after Patrick.

“Brother,” I grunt.

He turns. “If you try and stop me, I’ll go crazy. I’m just warning you. Maybe you’ve all gotten soft, but I—”

When I reach him, I right hook him across the jaw. A well-judged hook, just strong enough to send him cold, but weak enough not to do any real damage.

He collapses onto the grass, his eyes closing.

I walk back to the table, running my fingers over my grazed knuckles.

Then I nod at my passed-out brother. “Get him in his seat,” I say.

“Boss,” Gunny, Max, and Craig say at the same time, rising to their feet.

Patrick got over it when he opened his pay packet. A right hook here and there doesn’t mean much when you’re a violent man working with violent men.

But, hell, I just wish he could go back to the way he was. Patrick before prison would’ve just done his job, nothing more. Just done his job and got his pay and left the place. None of this gun-hoe stuff. None of this tough man routine.

But maybe it got to me. Maybe it’s why I wasn’t able to enjoy the party. You don’t expect to have to knock out your older brother the week after he’s released from prison. As I sat there, all of them cheering and drinking and laughing around me, the only bright spot in the whole place I could find was that waitress.

I couldn’t take my eyes from her. Those breasts, squeezed into that shirt; those well-shaped legs in tights; that big, round ass just begging to be grabbed. Yeah, the party was made bearable just by checking her out.

But if it was just checking her out, why the hell did I give her the cash? I don’t know where that came from. I can’t even begin to guess why I did it.

Then again, I’ve always been impulsive, and doubly as impulsive around women.

But the money . . . that means more than just wanting a quick lay, doesn’t it? Women have always been easy to get into bed for me. You ride up on your bike and show them the leathers and then you take them. Easy. No cash gifts required. I sigh and stand up, pacing up and down beside Sapphire Lake.

There was something in her youthful elf’s face, something vulnerable and innocent. Like she was waiting for someone to protect her, maybe.

But that shouldn’t be me. The Satan’s Martyrs are making boatloads of cash. I’m wealthy. I’m a leader. I have a lot of stuff to keep me busy. No need adding a woman to that. A woman for the night, maybe. But not a woman. Not a girlfriend, the kind of relationship other men get into. Relationships make you weak. That’s the problem. They make you soft and weak, until you’re a weak, soft man who other men are looking to take advantage of. The moment you’re on a job thinking about a woman is the moment you’ve lost your fight and might as well put a .38 in between your eyes. Relationships get your buried, quick. That’s the cold fact of it.

And yet . . .

Maybe it’d be good to have a woman who didn’t treat me like a toy she just plucked from the shelf of a motorbike novelty store. I swear, the morning after I take a woman, it’s like she thinks she’s become my partner in crime. The night before she’s just a regular girl; the morning after she’s chewing gum and calling me babe and acting like she’s an outlaw’s wife. Makes me queasy. Maybe the stark truth is that women don’t want Judge O’Connor. They just want the leader of the Satan’s Martyrs. They just want to feel like somebody.

Hypocrite, a voice whispers. Can’t tell if it’s my subconscious or Patrick or my dad or what.

Whoever it is, they’re right. If women treat me like toys, I do the same ten times over. The only time I give a damn about a woman is when she’s bent over in front of me and begging me to drill her. When all the frills have been removed and she’s nothing more than a sexy piece of flesh to satisfy my body. None of this kissing and hugging stuff. None of this, “Hold me, babe.” Screw that. A nice ass and bouncy lay and a woman who really knows how to take it from a man.

But wouldn’t it be good, for once, to have a woman with some brains? Just for once?

I sigh. I’m going around in circles.

Emma, that’s her name, according to her name tag.

Maybe that’s what it is. She’s just an emerald, a precious stone that I can’t take my eyes away from. She’s just a tempting thing.

Maybe, but still, I wish I could’ve been there to watch her open that money. That would’ve been something worth seeing.

I sit on my bike, thoughts whirring.

Patrick is my biggest problem. Patrick should be person I can’t stop thinking about. I need to figure out how to control him, how to make him see that he’s not in prison anymore. But even as I start down this line of thought, it is drawn to Emma, with her perfect, tight body, her cute face, her vulnerable dark eyes. There’s no doubt that she’s a woman I want to take, a woman I want to make mine, a woman I want to drill, hard. There’s no doubt she’s a woman I’d bend over my bike in a second, without thought.

I tell myself it’s just that. Just the idea of having s*x with her. Just the idea of taking her. Just the idea of doing with her what I’ve done with countless other women. A quick bang, and then see you later. Nothing more. Yeah, I tell myself all of that, but the fact is that I’ve never given any other woman over $2,000 in cash just for the sake of it. I’ve never put myself out there like that.

“Dammit,” I grunt, kicking my bike into life.

It growls and grumbles, and soon I am riding away from Sapphire Lake alongside the Darkwood, back to Rocky Cove.

I want her, I want her, I want her.

My mind goes on. I can’t stop it.

Images flash through my head as I ride:

Emma bending over in that waitress’s dress, her panties visible through the thin tights, moaning for me to take her.

Emma sitting on top of me, facing away, her big, beautiful ass bouncing as I reach around and sink my hands into those perfect breasts.

But then another image comes to mind:

Emma putting her arms around me, resting her head on my chest—

I kill it. It’s not s****l. It’s . . . what? Emotional?

“Screw that,” I growl, going one sixty through the night, the air whipping at my hair, the engine of my bike a lion’s roar . . .

Going fast as if I can outride my thoughts.