If only you knew
1371 Words
Selene POV
Mum.
I exhaled calmly, relieved it wasn't anyone else but her and opened the door.
She walked in calmly and sat next to me on the bed.
For a few seconds, neither of us said anything.
After like forever, she nudged my shoulder lightly. “Talk to me, baby,” she said, searching for my eyes.
I looked away.
“About what?”
“Everything, Selene.” She smiled. “Maybe the fact you just created a scene downstairs?”
I rolled my eyes. “Mum.”
“What?”
I buried my face in my hands.
She laughed softly. “I wasn't expecting that though.”
“Neither was I.”
That only made her laugh harder.
“Okay, now I'm definitely concerned. We really need to talk about this.”
I peeked at her through my fingers. “Why?”
“Because I just witnessed a side of my daughter I've never seen before.”
“Wow. Really?”
“You know what I mean.”
I sighed and dropped my hands.
The smile slowly faded from her face. “You okay?” She asked, with concern written all over her face.
I swallowed hard and looked away.
There it was.
The question everyone has been asking me lately.
Louis.
Edward.
Now Mum.
I forced a smile, not ready to spill more than I'm supposed to. “I'm fine, mum.”
“Selene.”
I groaned. “What?” I finally looked at her.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Her voice came even more calmer, like she was pleading with me to let her in on my burdens.
That nearly broke me.
Because I couldn't.
I couldn't let her know the secret I was fighting so hard to conceal. Not now, not ever.
I swallowed hard. “I'm okay, Mum. I just don't want to talk about it.”
She studied me for a moment. “Okay,” she replied, not wanting to push forward.
The simple acceptance almost made me cry. I wished I could tell her everything, fall into her arms and explain how much I've messed up.
She moved closer and brushed a strand of hair away from my face. “Can I ask something else?”
I nodded.
“Have I been doing too much?”
“What do you mean, mum?”
“The teasing. Matchmaking you and Louis…”
“Oh,” I exclaimed, realising the angle she was going.
Mum sighed. “I know I've been having fun with it.”
“A little too much.”
“It's just a little,” she admitted.
Despite everything, I smiled.
Mum smiled back. “Is it making you uncomfortable?” Her facial expression turned serious.
“No.”
“You're sure?”
I nodded. “It’s really not a big deal.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.” She seemed relieved.
A small silence settled between us after that until she spoke again. More carefully this time.
“Is this about Edward?”
What?
My eyes widened.
For one terrifying second, I couldn't breathe.
“Uhmmm… What.. about.. him..?” I stammered.
“I mean…” She hesitated. “Maybe having him around has been an adjustment.”
I exhaled calmly. Oh, thank God it was just that. I nearly died of a heart attack thinking she caught on to what was happening.
I said nothing to mum though.
She looked down at her hands.
“Selene, if you're uncomfortable with me marrying Edward, I can just call everything off. I don't want you to ever feel neglected by me.”
“Mum—”
“I'm serious,” she said with a gentle tone. “If having a new father figure in your life feels strange, I understand.”
The lump in my throat grew bigger.
She reached for my hand.
“I love Edward, Selene.”
My heart twisted painfully.
“But I love you first,” she continued. “and I don't want anything to change between us.”
That did it.
My eyes instantly got glassy with tears.
Mum immediately dropped her shoulders. “Oh, sweetheart.”
I wrapped my arms around her, and she hugged me back without hesitation.
The tears came faster. Hot. Relentless.
“Mum…”
“Hey.” She rubbed my back, making soothing circles. “What's wrong?”
Nothing.
Everything.
I didn't even know anymore.
“I’m… happy.. for you.” The words came out broken.
She pulled back slightly to look at my face.
“What?”
“I'm happy you found love again.” Fresh tears slid down my cheeks. “I'm so happy for you, mum.”
Her eyes softened.
“Oh, honey.”
“You spent years… taking care.. of me.” My voice cracked. “You gave up so much to make me who I am today.”
“Selene—”
“And now you're happy.”
I wiped off my tears. “You deserve everything good life can offer.”
Mum's own eyes became suspiciously shiny as she cupped my face. “You are not responsible for my happiness, Selene.”
“But—”
“No.” Her tone was firm. “It’s my sore duty to make sure you get the best life.”
I nodded weakly.
She smiled. “Your father would've said the exact same thing if he was here today.”
That nearly started the tears all over again but mum pulled me into another hug.
For several seconds, neither of us spoke.
Then she whispered, “You've been the best thing that's ever happened to me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Damn!
If she knew the truth...
If she knew what I had done...
Would she still say that?
Would she still look at me like this?
Would she still be proud of me?
If only you knew, Mum.
If only you knew the guilt I've been carrying.
If only you knew how terrified I am every single day since Christmas.
How scared I am that one mistake could destroy your new found love.
How scared I am that you might look at me differently if the truth ever comes out.
Eventually, Mum pulled away.
“How about you take a shower?”
“Mum.” I laughed weakly. “Is that your solution to everything?”
“Pretty much.”
I managed a small smile.
“After that, you come downstairs for dinner.”
The smile immediately disappeared from my face.
Mum noticed.
Of course she noticed.
She always did.
Her expression softened.
“You know what?”
I looked up.
“I'll have your dinner brought up here, okay?”
I managed a nod.
“Good.”
A fresh wave of emotion hit me.
God.
I love this woman so much.
“I love you, mum.” The words slipped out before I could stop them.
Her smile immediately returned.
“I love you too, my darling.”
She headed for the door and paused midway. “Selene?” She turned to look at me.
“Yeah?”
“Never feel like you're the problem. Her eyes softened with a smile. “I raised an incredible daughter.”
Tears immediately filled my eyes again.
“And I will give up anything just to see her happy,” She added.
I couldn't speak.
She smiled. “Your existence is one of the reasons I still want to live a long life.”
A tear slipped down my cheek.
“You bring so much light into my world, Selene.”
With that, she left.
I stared at the door for three whole seconds, fighting to hold down the sob trying to escape my throat. "I'm..."
I covered my mouth with both hands, but it didn't help.
The tears came harder.
“I'm so sorry, Mum,” I whispered, clutching my heart tight as it hurt so much.
Another sob followed.
“I'm so so sorry.”
Because she kept looking at me like I was the best thing she'd ever done.
And all I could think about was the one mistake that could make her look at me differently forever.
- Writer
