Ember

11 - How stupid was I?

Ember

How stupid was I to ever believe that Toby loved me?

The man who loves his woman never cheats on her, but Toby is cheating on me. I wish I could say it isn’t so, but there’s no denying what I’ve finally seen with my own two eyes. I’ve been blind, but if I look at things logically, I knew something wasn’t right.

The worst thing?

The woman Toby is cheating on me with is Lydia. The two people who should never do such a thing are doing just that! I tried to deny it to myself for a while, ignoring the little things that would have been so obvious to others.

Isn’t that what people do when they don’t want to admit they weren’t enough?

I’ve smelt se.x in the air several times after returning from work. I thought it was my imagination, but I’d know Toby’s smell anywhere. It wasn’t hard to figure out whom Toby was sleeping with inside my home - like he couldn’t have taken her back to his own house!

Did they want me to catch them?

Lydia hadn’t brought a man home in months, yet I smelled Toby’s cologne on Lydia’s se.x-soaked sheets. I ignored it because I didn’t want it to be true.

Yes, it hurt so much to realize how stupid I have been. All those times, I cried because I thought Toby wouldn’t touch me because of what had happened. All the guilt I carried because of that man.

All I could think about was how long had they been sleeping with each other behind my back?

I know in my heart that they’ve been cheating on me for months. It also dawned on me that Toby was angry with me about Lydia kissing me because he felt wronged by her, not me.

What a bastard!

Why the hell would Toby keep our relationship going when he didn’t have to?

He could have told me that it was over, and I would have been able to move on with my life. Instead, I have been living in limbo thanks to a man who didn’t know how to let go.

Does Toby not realize how badly he’s hurt me by keeping me shackled to him?

None of it makes any sense. If Toby had broken up with me before he ever touched Lydia, I would have been happy for them when they finally told me they were together. Knowing they were in love, even though it would have hurt me, would have been easier to take than the fact they’d cheated on me.

I blame myself also because I should have ended things sooner. I knew it wasn’t working between us, yet I stayed.

How much of a fool could I have been?

Then I realized Lydia kissed me only to ease her guilty conscience. She tried to turn me into a cheat when the whole damn time she was the cheat! She had me feeling guilty over nothing.

And she calls herself my friend?

The thought is laughable at best.

All the shi.t Toby gave me the night I confessed what I’d done could have been avoidable if he’d just been honest. Hell, I was honest with him!

Why couldn’t he have given me the same grace?

Toby hasn’t touched me in months because he’s in love with Lydia and didn’t want to cheat on her with me.

What the fuc.k does that make me?

The other woman?

How can they not know how much they’ve hurt me?

Why would they do this to me?

Why not break up with me before being with Lydia?

It’s evident to me now that neither Lydia nor Toby gives a damn about me. Toby’s a man, and men come and go; that’s life. Lydia, however, is supposed to be my best friend!

How could she do this to me, of all people?

I get now why Lydia has been hiding things from me and why she turned to drugs and alcohol. She was guilt-ridden about what she’d done to me. Though I’ll never understand why she couldn’t have just been honest with me, of course, I would have hit the roof and told them both how much I hated them at that moment. But I would have had months to calm down and get used to things. I would have been moving on with my life by now. Okay, our friendship would have been forever altered, but if Lydia had told me she genuinely loved Toby, I would have gotten over it in time.

Now?

Now, I’m in a world of hurt thanks to the two people who meant the most to me. I don’t have a clue where I will go from here, but I have to confront them. I won’t let them get away with what they’ve done to me.

Why didn’t I confront them before now?

Because I didn’t want to believe it was real. I thought I was being paranoid and looking for reasons why Toby was being off with me. I should have listened to my gut, but I didn’t, and the damage is done.

It was made even worse when I walked through my front door ten minutes ago. I don’t usually leave work to collect something I’ve forgotten from home. However, I knew I wouldn’t have time after work to come back and pick up my spare lyric book. I’d promised to take it over to Colin and show him some of my older songs. I also wanted to tell him I’d decided to take him and Marco up on their offer. I want to join the band.

What the hell do I have to keep me here now?

I thought Lydia would be at work. I thought I’d get half an hour to eat something before returning to work. I also thought I could work out what I would do about Toby and Lydia before I leave. It would have been easy to face them head-on this evening and give them what for, but I knew facing them in anger wouldn’t be the best approach.

What I didn’t expect was to find Lydia and Toby here. They haven’t noticed me watching them making love on the couch. I don’t want to watch this, I feel like a pervert, but I’m stuck to the spot. They aren’t fuckin.g; they’re making love as Toby has never made love to me. It’s passionate, sweet, hot, and everything I imagine making love should be.

Then I hear Toby say those words, ‘I love you so much, Lydia. You’re mine, baby. You will always be mine.’

Then she replies, ‘I love you, too. Never leave me, I’d die without you.’

His response to that is, ‘I’m not going anywhere, baby. I love you too fuckin’ much.’

My heart sinks to my feet. If I thought I was losing my mind before, I know now that I’m not. My fears have been realized. My best friend and my man are cheating on me.

What more proof do I need than them having se.x on the couch?

How many times have they done this?

Why the fuc.k do it in the place I live?!

Because they have no respect for me whatsoever, that’s why. They would have gone elsewhere to carry on their affair if they had any respect.

It hurts so much that I don’t know what to do with myself. It hurts because they aren’t just cheating on me; they really are in love. They fell in love behind my back and continued life as if nothing was happening.

How could they sleep together like I don’t even exist?

Have they even thought about me once since they started this?

When did they start this?

How long have I been the fool?

I will never forgive Lydia for this. She is no friend to me. Christ, I would never have done something like this. I wouldn’t even look at any man of hers with lust, and there’s no way I would have gone to bed with one. All this time, I felt guilty for liking Marco more than I should, but I never thought about sleeping with him behind Toby’s back. God, I would never have done that because my parents taught me better.

As for Toby?

That dickweed is nothing to me now! I hate myself for ever feeling like I did something to hurt him. The piece of shi.t!

I should say something. I should scream at them and hit out at them. I want them to know how much they’ve hurt me, but no matter how hurt I am, I’m not that woman. I don’t want to face them right now. No matter how pathetic that makes me sound, I just can’t. I don’t want to hear their excuses, nor how they try to justify all of this. Right now, I hate both of them!

I have never hated another person in my whole life, and I don’t actually hate them. But they’ve been fuckin.g around behind my back, for I don’t even know how long!

Looking back, I realize that Lydia and Toby always had guilty looks on their faces whenever I asked what they were talking about. They would laugh but not tell me why. I’ve caught them several times having secret conversations in the kitchen.

I wonder, if I’d walked in a moment sooner, would I have found them kissing?

All the verbal abuse and putdowns I took from Toby were because of his guilt. He is no man because a real man would never do something so pathetic!

I can’t be here with them anymore. I won’t be the third wheel wondering when and if they’ll ever come clean about what they’ve been doing. I won’t keep this lie going. But, God, I just want to get away from them. I want to run and never come back.

But where would I go?

I can’t go to my brother because he’s busy with the tattoo shop that belongs to Snakes Henchmen. Snakeskin Ink. Eagle works there with some of the other younger members of the club. I love my brother more than anything, but I know he’d find Toby and kill him for hurting me. As much as I hate Lydia right now, a part of me still wants to protect her.

My mom is out with her sisters today, so I’m going to see my daddy. I can’t tell him what’s been going on because he’d never understand, and he’d kill Toby just as my brother would. Then Lydia’s father would find out, and it would be bedlam.

I don’t believe Lydia and Toby set out to hurt me; no one can help whom they fall in love with. But this hurts so badly that I can hardly breathe. I need my father right now. I’ve always been able to count on my dad for anything. He’s always there when I need him, and right now, I do.