If it wasn’t for him.

Somber

I jolted awake hearing the bell ring for the next period. I rubbed my temples. I have a raging headache. I threw my notebook in my bag, my heart was sad. I haven’t thought about that day in weeks. I got up and walked to my next period. The next couple of periods flew by, but here we go. To lunch. The one period of the day where I feel normal. Where I know I have friends who will attempt to make me feel slightly better about how shitty my life has become in a mere 4 months.

“Where have you been” Monica sneered. She was my neighbor, the one who lived 2 houses down from me. We had a..let’s say love hate relationship. I noticed she wanted what I had. She reeked of envy. Her eyes were crystal green. She had braces and freckles. Her hair was choppy and honestly wild. People called her chucky behind her back because honestly she did look like him when he was “good guy”. She always threw envious looks at me whenever I had something she wanted. She actually took my best friend from me, began dating her and told her she couldn’t speak to me as often as she used to. She was also a part of the friend group, Blake. She was beautiful. Lean but curvy. She had a flat stomach but nice legs and decent sized boobs. She was pasty white, with beautiful big green eyes and short platinum blond hair. She always wore cropped tops and shorts that fell just below her ass. She DESPISED men. So it was almost like she was teasing them through her outfits. When Monica found out how close we were she wedged herself in between us.

I almost feel sorry for her because Blake always expressed how much she liked me, Monica did it out of jealously and took my best friend from me. We all still get to hang out during lunch but she forbids us to text or hang out alone. I don’t see why when I’ve expressed how much Duke means to me and how I want to try with him.

“Yeah are you ok Anna?” Blake whispered trying her hardest to not get caught.

I nodded I’m fine. I looked at Monica and smiled

“Why aren’t you a doll asking about my whereabouts”

“Of course I care about all my friends” she sarcastically said. Part of me wanted to lung over the table but the other part of me just smirked telling myself I shouldn’t and couldn’t do that.

“I’ve been occupied”

“Yeah with Duke right?”

“How would you know that?” I asked puzzled as to why she’d know I was with him. She panicked and began to stutter.

“I uh- I s-saw you and Marie walking home late and assumed you were with both of them”

“Well you know what they say about assuming Monica” I said with a small laugh. She didn’t find it amusing. If looks could kill, I’d be dead.

“I don’t think it’s anyone’s business what or who I’m doing on my spare time”

“So you admit you were busy f*****g Duke” she said angry.

“Why are you snappy as if you’re dating him when your girlfriend is sitting right next to me?” There was a wave of tension between us. So thick you can practically slice it like a cake. Why was she getting so defensive about Duke?

Monica avoided any eye contact and Blake sat there with an irritated and sad look, we sat there in confusion as to where that defense came from. Marie tapped me on my shoulder and motioned for me to go with her. I got up.

“I hope you have a good rest of the day Blake” and gave her a warm hug before walking off without saying anything to Monica.

Marie hadn’t looked at me she looked at her feet and she stepped side to side nervously.

“What is it.” I said coldly. I knew she was hiding something. I’ve been friends with her for a while and knew all her tells. We spent almost everyday day together.

“I know why she got defensive.” She said quietly.

“So tell me why” I said angrily.

“I can later.”

“Why not now”

“It’ll be better if I tell you alone I promise.” She sheepishly said.

Rage coursed through my veins. How long did she know this. Why wouldn’t my best friend tell me something about someone I barely get along with. What the f**k were they hiding? Did she have something with Duke? DID SHE f**k HIM? I started breathing fast, I gripped my chest and leaned forward. f**k I’m having another panic attack. I could hear people whispering next to us.

“Annalise sit down” Marie yelled out in fear

“Don’t f*****g Touch me” I said In between breaths, trying hard not to pass out.

“Anna are you ok come here” I felt a firm hand grab my waist and remembered that voice. It was Duke. He looked at me worried, he was covered in confusion and panicked.

I began to cry I couldn’t think. I couldn’t speak. I pushed him away from me and started inhaling through my nose and out my mouth.

“Don’t try to be a f*****g savior now after not speaking to me for two weeks” I snapped at him only to press my face against his

“Don’t worry about me you’ve been doing that just fine lately right” I said disgustingly as I pushed him away and walked out to the hallway. I grabbed my jacket and fought with the zipper, I was shaking and couldn’t get it unzipped, I was hot, eventually I ripped it off and began to cry. I threw my back against the wall and slid down. My face was hot and red. My breathing was finally starting to improve. My chest was on fire. Nothing but absolute anger filled me. This is the anger people talked about in books it was the first time I ever experienced it.

I know something happened I just need to figure it out myself.

I grabbed my knees and cried into them.

How could they? I whispered softly. I peeled myself off the ground, got up and dusted myself off. I went into the bathroom and washed my face with cold water.

I don’t deserve this. I thought to myself. Eventually I’ll find it the truth even if I have to pull teeth out doing so. I pulled myself together and headed to my next period.