Tinder Trash

2: Deciding to Work Hard and Play Harder

       Let me start off by saying at no point before reality struck had I intended to be nearly as mean to Nero as I eventually was. The way everything played out came as an absolute surprise- and now it's highly unlikely I'm the only one with unanswered questions. I had a bone to pick with a certain trend in the world, and unfortunately he was the lab rat I used to do it. The way he was trying to toy with me eventually made it extremely hard to quit while I was still ahead- and I hope one day he understands that.

       The concept of the bad boy turning a new leaf is extremely popular and overly romanticized, but what about the wild child girl who cleaned her act up? What about the girl who gave up everything and everyone that was weighing her down because she finally decided she deserved quality over quantity amidst the company she keeps? What about the girl who has worked relentlessly to try to minimize the amount of emotional baggage that haunts her day in and day out? What about the girl who has already dealt with so many bad guys she would give anything to at least get a taste of a good one? It might be easy to assume what played out between Nero and I was a vicious display of self-sabotage and self-destructive behavior, but I don't buy it. I knew he confused me for trash, and I decided to play along.

       The unfortunate truth about my world is I may be a good person, even an awesome one; but no matter how hard I try- I will never be an all around nice one. I have a back bone and silver tongue... I'm a spitfire and if I feel like you've earned it... I will give you one cosmic level warning to back off and if you don't comply by the time I really snap, was it really my fault?

       Allow me to state for the record that my mind worked on an extremely different wavelength even dating back to my earliest memories. It was dark and twisted, and before Nero- I had never bothered to feel any kind of shame over that piece of me. I was proud of my off-beat and profoundly deep sense of self and awareness of others- I didn't mind that I have zero tolerance for fake people and fake news. I didn't mind that it doesn't matter how hard I try to pay good will forward- there's always someone with awful intentions lurking around the corner. There's a theory that you attract what you are, so why can't I at least attract what I'm trying to be? Why must I deal with boys who are so predictable I efficiently and effectively write self-fulfilling prophecies they never manage to prove wrong?

       I may have been more of the villain than Nero was- but I'd certainly like to think I deserve at least a little bit of anti-hero credit. I'm not perfect and I'm okay with that. I do my best to make positive impacts where and when I can with whoever I can, so why not let loose just once? Why not play along?

       Even as a young child I dreamed about how I would be an awful person saved by the love of an amazing one... So was it really all that surprising that Nero couldn't save me from myself? Would it really come as a shock to know that what I did to him was actually what made me cross the line of awful? ... Rather than drop the 'please hate me' turn offs I usually do, I decided to take the game astronomically further with Nero than I ever had with anyone... Rest assured- I still won- but I lost something along the way.

       You might be wondering why I bothered to put so much thought into our virtual interaction, and furthermore why I can't seem to fully shake it. Some people have never had a stranger launch them into an existential crisis- but that's purely because they've never bothered to open their minds to the possibilities. Oprah, Dr. Phil, Maury, etc... Self-help books, talk shows, motivational speakers, moraleetreat organizations... They all make a living for a reason.

       The truth about the poor unsuspecting Nero is I set him up to fail from the very beginning and quickly I was trapped feeling like there was no turning back. His timing was absolutely impeccable to begin with given the fact that I never should have had the opportunity to speak to him on the level that I did. Every single message exchanged was another chance come and gone to stop myself before it went too far. If I had ghosted him like I was supposed to, there'd be no reason to think twice about him. If at any juncture I had told him the truth about how I'm only ever online or texting for the sake of trolling and I can't seem to stop feeling amused by his reactions- he probably would have made the adult choice for us both. If I had given him the chance to prove he was different by voicing my concerns from the beginning- perhaps I would be mauling over a very different chain of events at this point.

       He said some dirty things in a sensual enough way, I let them slide at first... But then he was quick to drop the question as to whether or not I liked it. In a sense, I did- so why lie? A straight yes would have been an evil half truth so I issued my first warning... Did he heed it? Of course not... Nero just wanted to play and eventually the way he went about it was playing way harder, too hard in fact.

       ... I'm talking about the extremely fine line between leading someone on and testing their merit.

       If you had told me I would immediately regret the final kicker I threw at Nero, there's no way I would have believed you. If you had told me the difference between extreme caution and indirect revenge is all too easy to blur, I would have told you I'd never stoop that low. If you had told me that at the end of my last hurrah of 'please hate me' I wouldn't actually want him too... Perhaps he wouldn't.

       Nero is not to be confused for a prince charming, he was merely exactly the kind of boy I wanted to tango with... And dance we did day in and day out... Is there a chance I was wrong and I chased away a nice boy for no logical reason? Perhaps. But is it more likely that he really is just another player who got played? Absolutely.... Would us talking it out in person over a cup of coffee like two rational adults be epic? Of course it would, but I'm certain we won't.

       Is it entirely my fault for not stopping it from going further when I told him this wouldn't end well and he chose not to believe me? There was so many steamy possibilities on my mind, wasn't it alright to at least dabble with him for the hell of it? Why did I want to make sure he felt amazing even if I knew it was not his intent to make me do something that would leave me feeling awful?