Staring at the Stars

Let's Not be Friends

"Oh s**t! Are you okay?" the human wall I just ran into asked as he turned around and offered me a hand. I ignored his gesture and pushed myself up, attempting to wipe myself off.

"What the hell man? Are you new here? just standing around before the butt crack of dawn?" I folded my arms up giving an exhausted look.

He gave a nervous laugh shoving his fingers through his blonde hair, no doubt an annoying habit he did in awkward social situations. "Actually yeah I did, my flight was crazy delayed getting me here at an odd time. I didn't want to wake anyone up so early so I thought I'd check out the place before settling in".

The place I could only assume he was talking about was a vacant shop next to us, I hadn't seen anything opened since I had arrived here just 5 months ago. Not wanting to continue the conversation any further I shrugged "Well just so you know it's not normal to clog up the walk way so maybe decide to stand and stare somewhere else". I quickly walked around him continuing on and heard him lightly laugh again and shout "Hey thanks for the welcome and the warning, see you around!"

"Not likely, the city's a big place" I mumbled to myself as I turned the corner towards the cheap, shitty apartment building I called home. After going through the cracked glass door "fixed" with duct tape I trudged up the two flights of stairs it took to get to my place. Apartment 207, the 7 of course loose and slightly crooked was my first place I have ever lived alone. I unlocked the deadbolt and let myself in. Throwing my apron and bag on the side table I had found out by the dumpster covered in Community College pamphlets and art program information and looked at the stack of mail. I still had the open letter from my aunt threatening to stop money assistance if I didn't get myself into some sort of school program. She will no doubt expect a reply but I'm still too pissed to bring myself to play nice. Grandma must have found me too young and naive to list me as a single benefactor to her life insurance policy, assuming I would have spent it all irresponsibly which my have had some validity but forcing me to deal with family I had contact with a handful of times in my life before had been all but cruel. How convenient it was that I was out of high school and deemed a legal adult to not be anyone's forced burden but still vulnerable enough to have no choice but to accept any help offered unless I wanted to be in the streets.

Her death wasn't sudden, it was a sickness that took time but I was unwilling still to accept she was running out of time. she was my whole world and all I knew. My mother's bad choices landed her in an early grave, my "father" had never been in the picture so from the get go it was just her and I. I may have always deemed myself mature and independent but a childish part of me still remains and anger lingers at her for leaving me here. She had of course told my Aunt how gifted she thought I was, she loved my drawings and oil on canvas paintings and was so sure I had something to share with the world. Turns out what I have to share with the world is a bad attitude and a trail of failed jobs working with the public.

I stripped off my sticky clothes and got into a hot shower. I hope with all of me I'll get more than just a few hours of sleep. I toweled off and washed my uniform in the bathroom sink with some Dawn Dishsoap. It worked pretty decently on the grease and stains and frankly, I hated going to the laundromat until I couldn't get away with it. slinging the clothes over the shower door to dry I proceeded to go into the only bedroom in the apartment and put on a pair of sweats and old t shirt to curl up on the bed.

As my heavy eyelids closed, the same images appeared. The dry desert sun, the slight breeze giving little comfort to the New Mexico heat. Windchimes and a woman's voice.

I woke up to yelling on the other side of the wall. Domestic disturbance always in progress with my neighbors. It's always a toss up on whether the bickering is between the husband and wife, or the wife and mother in-law. Who could ever feel lonely when you are reminded living with others sucks. I check the clock, quarter after 9AM. Not too shabby, though I still don't feel rested.

Giving up on the idea of sleep, I grab the laptop I received as a graduation gift and booted it up. Looking at social media felt so pointless lately. Out of the few friends I had in High School, only one kept in touch after my move to New York. My best friend, Sam. She had opted to travel for a year after graduation and hasn't seemed to stop even after her 12 months was up. She had made good friends in Europe and has continued to go around staying in hostels with them. I'm constantly half expecting to see some news link being shared about a young American girl getting horribly murdered. She just calls me too pessimistic.

I haven't responded to anyone else. My DMs were flooded with condolences after my distant relatives had announced my grandmother's death. They pissed me off just as much as the wave of ugly flower arrangements and casseroles that filled our tiny house as I was simultaneously expected to pack up. It was to be sold as part of her will terms. She had hoped it would pay my way through whatever schooling I wanted to do. Glad to disappoint you Grams. My Aunt made it just under 48 hours staying with me to help, after finding me less than enjoyable company we agreed she would stay in town in a rental while I handled the packing. After the sale she presented me with a plane ticket and enough of a fund transfer to get myself into a place with some bargain furniture. The agreement was to come up with a plan within the first few months - we still aren't seeing eye to eye on what I consider a life plan.

It didn't take long for me to get my fill of everyone's staged life updates before I opted to put on a random Netflix show. I must have drifted off at some point as my next jolt awakening was by my stomach advising me we were starving. My kitchen supplies are looking quite sad, I will have to brave a*****e sooner rather than later but have settled on peanut butter straight from the jar with a spoon and some saltine crackers. I'll have to see if one of the cooks are in a good enough mood tonight to feed my pathetic self.

It only takes me ten minutes to get myself dressed, hair pulled back and teeth brushed before I head downstairs. The sun is already setting as I head to the corner store to buy some cigarettes. The sweet Asian lady that owns the place and her son are the only ones that work there. She had once offered me a job when I had first moved in but I knew it wouldn't be wise to burn all the bridges near me as I would be stopping there often. She smiled at me as I came in and retreated into the back room only to come out with a plate of food. "I made too much like always and had a feeling I would be seeing you today, please do me a courtesy and eat". As bad as I always felt accepting her kindness, I greatly appreciated the chance to avoid deep fried food for the night and agreed after buying a pack of smokes and a drink.

I had luckily just finished up and returned her plate to her when the guy from early in the morning walked in.