Christian s*x, Volume 2: They Ain't Saints

Chapter 1

1

“...and on the third day, He rose again!”

Pastor’s Dave’s voice boomed through the rafters of Our Savior’s Church. He surveyed the congregation during his dramatic pause. They looked pleased, impressed even. Lately, his sermons had taken on an even more theatrical tone and he was loving it. His parishioners must have loved it too, because weekly offerings had been up nearly twenty-five percent since he had taken over as senior pastor of the small church located in the suburbs outside of Des Moines, Iowa.

Without realizing it, as he delivered his line - “and on the third day, He rose again!” - Pastor Dave had glanced towards Billy and raised any eyebrow ever so slightly. The only other church member to catch the subtle cue was Pastor Dave’s wife Carly, who was seated next to Billy at the front pew. Carly was everything a young pastor’s wife should be: attentive, caring, pretty, with a bubbly personality and toothy grin that filled a room with Christ’s love. The former Tennessee Titans cheerleader was also a gifted singer and was excited to be leading the music ministry at Our Savior’s. She brought a bit of southern soul to the sleepy heartland community.

Come to think about it, Pastor Dave also brought a bit of Dixie flair to his new Iowa home as well. He was raised in the southern Baptist churches of the deep south, his father a minister, his grandfather a minister and his great-grandfather also a minister. Serving the Lord was Pastor Dave’s destiny and had been since the day he was born. He wasn’t as dramatic as some of his Alabama peers (especially the Pentecostals), but Dave could certainly inspire fear in his parishioners with a bit of old-fashioned fire and brimstone preaching. Then, at the turn of a dime, he’d soften his approach - bringing his dynamic, smooth-as-molasses Southern drawl to a near whisper when he shared the good news message of Christ’s redeeming love.

It was this mix of southern tradition, northern sensibilities and a flair for the dramatic that had made Pastor Dave such a hit with his congregation. It also didn’t help that the “man from Alabam’” (as he liked to introduce himself) was quite handsome - rugged, even - but with a compassionate and tender side.

Carly felt herself quickly clasp Billy’s hand as her husband repeated his dramatic closing line one last time:

“Yes, friends, on the third day, He rose again! Hallelujah!”

Pause.

“Let us pray.”

Carly’s hand felt soft, like angel feathers in Billy’s. She smelled soft too: a sweet mixture of lilacs and citrus. Billy felt her release the embrace as her petite frame rose from the pew. The congregation may have had their heads down in prayer, but Billy’s eyes narrowed so he could watch without being detected as the pretty cheerleader turned music minister joined her husband at the front of the church. Her modest, floral printed sundress couldn’t hold its secret: Carly had a perfectly delectable a*s.

As Pastor Dave watched over his congregation, leading them in prayer, he felt himself get hard seeing Billy’s eyes locked on his wife’s bottom. Dave knew from the moment he met the hunky teen that he swung both ways - even if the teen didn’t yet know that about himself.

The prayer closed with a group, “Amen” which was Carly’s cue to burst into song. She had chosen her favorite Hillsong Worship tune for this special Palm Sunday service. As Carly’s powerful, Ariana Grande-meets-Francesca Battistelli voice rang out, Pastor Dave’s eyes locked on Billy’s. The two men continued their stare, each knowing the other’s deepest, darkest secrets. Finally, when Billy realized he would be asked to stand at the end of Carly’s song, his eyes dropped their gaze. He tried to think of the least sexy thought he could. Just looking into his pastor’s soulful eyes had given Billy a powerful erection that would be painfully embarrassing if he didn’t do something about it.

Think unsexy thoughts. Billy repeated. Think unsexy thoughts.

He couldn’t do it. The power the pastor couple had over him was just too strong. Everytime he commanded himself to think unsexy thoughts, Billy only found his mind wandering to the last time...when he was in bed with Pastor Dave - and Carly.

“Let us rise,” Pastor Dave commanded.

Billy closed his eyes, hoping his parents wouldn’t look over and notice their teenage son’s massive erection.

Pastor Dave smiled a knowing smile and bowed his head, leading his congregation in one final prayer.

As the ancient organist began to play an uplifting tune, Pastor Dave took his pretty young wife’s hand and together they walked down the church aisle. Making their way towards the back of the church, Dave couldn’t help but enjoy the moment. This final walk at the end of another successful service always made him feel like a rock star. He would wink, smile and give certain perishoners finger-guns. It was casual. It was cool. And it made him feel like a total badass.

Carly liked it too.

It was one of the reason’s she had always wanted to be a cheerleader: to know a stadium full of football fans all wanted to f**k her. She felt a hundred thousand eyes silently undress her, and she f*****g loved it. Now, with her hand in Dave’s, as she was guided down the aisle to meet members in the narthex, Carly felt the sensation again. Sure she had traded a football stadium for a small Iowa church, but the eyes - the hungry, longing, l**t filled eyes - felt every bit as good. Maybe even better. Here, after all, in this holy place the last thing on anyone’s mind should be f*****g. But as she walked past her fellow worshippers she knew they were looking at her toned, fit body like a piece of meat. They wanted to devour her. And she loved every second of that weekly walk.

As the congregation filled out, Pastor Dave shook hands and hugged babies while Carly smiled warmly, enquiring about the lives of certain parishioners she knew well, and offering a warm hug or friendly hello to those she didn’t. It was like a celebrity meet-and-greet event after a concert - only this time she was the celebrity, her fans were the members of Our Savior’s Church, and the concert was the service her hubby had just led. She couldn’t help but smile.

“Thanks for coming today, y’all!” Carly said in her bubbly dixie drawl, rubbing her hand down Billy’s muscular arm. She embraced Billy’s father with a warm hug, pressing her perky t**s deeply into the meaty flesh of the overweight farmer. She left him to embrace Billy’s mother: a giant of a woman who couldn’t have been more than four feet tall...and at least four feet around. Billy’s parents loved Carly and Dave. They had brought a youthful energy and warm spirit back into the church.

“They are so glamorous,” Billy’s mother said as they drove back to the family farm.

“Yup,” was all his father could grunt.

“She’s so pretty,” the portly woman continued. “Billy, honey, don’t you think she’s pretty?”

Billy felt irritated by the question. “Who?”

“Pastor’s wife.”

“Oh, yeah, um, I guess.” He replied, hoping his indifference would end the conversation. If the secret Billy held ever got out - it would destroy his family and most certainly end Dave and Carly’s new life in Iowa.

“Well, I think they both look like movie stars,” Billy’s mother said as his father turned on the radio. He still listened to AM radio. The same station he had been listening to since the 1960s. Billy closed his eyes as the strains of an old Patsy Cline song filled the air.

I’m crazy for trying, and crazy for crying…

Billy smiled as he heard his mom join in, her voice a horrid off-key warble.

...and crazy for loving you.

Billy’s father burst into laughter at his wife’s tone deaf voice. As his parent’s made small talk, Billy turned his phone back on and scanned through his texts.

Two new alerts from Carly, three from Dave.

Maybe I am crazy for loving you...both. Billy thought, clearly subliminally influenced by Patsy Cline.

As they continued back towards the family farm, a car tooted its horn as it passed. A family of waving folks grinned. Faith was behind the wheel, her younger siblings Hope and David in the back seat. The three smiled and waved frantically.

“Oh, for cute,” Billy’s mother said, “you know, I just love her.”

Billy’s father honked his horn back as they passed.

“She’s adorable,”

“Yeah, she is.” Billy replied, thinking back to his first time with Faith. It had been on Christmas Eve - at a late night orgy in the church’s basement.

“You should ask her out sometime, honey.”

Billy’s dad replied, “sweetie, don’t pester the boy, he’ll find a girl when he’s ready.”

Billy smiled. He had found lots of girls - and boys - and it was all thanks to Pastor Dave. His parents would never find out about the secret that bonded most of the church’s younger members: this wasn’t a house of God, it was a shrine to sin...and Billy loved every god-damned minute of his time “worshiping” with the body of Christ.