Agnostic By Default, Awakened By Design

Chapter 15: A New Way

Two weeks went by.

Still in the hole. Still stuck behind that thick door with no answers—just a pending court date and a heart full of questions. But at least now I had real clothes on. A uniform, not that heavy green turtle suit. I could eat with a spork. I had a mat and a blanket. It wasn’t comfort, but it was dignity.

And somewhere between the dragging hours and the silence that seemed to echo off the walls, I prayed again.

Not the screaming kind this time, but a broken kind. A tired, aching surrender.

“God, please show me a new way. Give me new life. I don’t know how to live different.”

Because I didn’t. I didn’t know anything other than the chaos I’d come from. The streets. The hustle. The pain. That had been my normal, but it was never what I dreamed of.

At sixteen, I had graduated high school early. I was working at White Castle and thinking about starting a family. That’s when I met Jerome. We made a plan—have a baby, build a life. I was still living at home, and when I told my mom I was pregnant, she tried to make it so Jerome couldn’t have any more children. That moment broke something in me.

So Jerome and I got our own place. I begged my supervisor to hire him. Literally begged on my knees, because he was working a job that paid next to nothing, and we couldn’t take care of a child on that. Eventually, she agreed.

We moved into a penthouse after our daughter—Brionna—was born. Things were good, for a while. But then I changed. Or maybe we both did. The arguments started, and I lost control of my temper. I became violent—not just with words, but with my hands.

He never hit me back. Instead, he hurt himself. Smashed ashtrays over his own head just to keep from hitting me. And eventually, he left me—for my best friend.

He moved out. Left me with no job, no plan, and no peace.

I let Brionna go live with my parents. I couldn’t take care of her—not in the state I was in. I was falling fast, and the only thing that caught me was a man who brought me into the world of dealing.

That’s how I became a drug dealer.

It still sounds crazy to say it out loud. But that was my life. That was my survival.

And now, sitting here in jail, I was finally asking for more.

God, I don’t know how to live different. Please… show me how.