For you, for me.

The Beginning

IF LOVE DOESN'T COST A THING

It was wonderful to be able to relax and unwind at home.  If one listened carefully enough, one could hear the sounds of running water and music coming from down below them. There was enough time to ponder while watching others go by the window on their way to their daily workout or get a quick bite for dinner. The sound of birds chirping in the trees nearby as she watched the sunset or even an occasional caw in the distance.  It was truly something to enjoy, the world quiet around here except for the faint sounds of footsteps below that sounded far less loud than the usual sounds outside of her apartment building. The soft hum of appliances and a constant stream of television noise were the only noises that accompanied her when she got up early. 

Then there's the sadness of watching this dreadful epidemic spread over the country.  Every day the news had stories about deaths and how they were continuing to rise each night.  It wasn't long before the entire nation felt it, a sense of dread that gripped people’s hearts as people began to become afraid, to look away from their windows and instead focus more on what they had in front of them. The government is working tirelessly to ensure the population is safe but it seems to be doing nothing more than making lives harder. 

 People no longer have the luxury of choosing who they share the space with anymore; everyone else has to make do with living with someone that might have once been a friend but now could potentially be their killer. All these horrible things happening in one big house all alone. 

The worst part though was not that they weren't going anywhere. The government imposed a lockdown across the city and it seemed every person living in it was forced to leave their homes within five hours if they wanted to survive. This was the exact opposite of how life used to be. How people could spend hours walking through their neighborhoods enjoying a nice, relaxing evening with friends or family. Now everyone was stuck holed up inside with their neighbors until everything settled. And with so many new victims dying, this whole situation just kept escalating. There was still hope however because some individuals had escaped the virus and were out trying to help the sick and injured, but it seemed like the best option for those that hadn't died yet was to hide.

The whole world had gone to s**t; society collapsing right in front of their eyes. A few years ago life would've been so much better. They could go out at night without worry, eat their fill without worry, and see friends without worrying. The fear that they might lose everyone they knew, loved, and cherished, was always present in their minds; never being able to find comfort knowing they couldn't save everyone they cared about. But now the same fears that drove them to live were driving everyone to death. People were scared, people had already lost their loved ones. What kind of future would they have, with the threat hanging over their heads? It was so lonely sometimes, and just like any other morning of the week, she decided she would try to wake up earlier today to see if she could catch a glimpse of the sun. She'd spent weeks trying to convince herself the sky was different today because this was special.

She didn't know why. Maybe it was because of the impending apocalypse looming over everyone's heads, maybe the weather was finally turning for the better. She sighed and leaned back against the couch cushions, closing her eyes as she let the last traces of color slowly fade out from the sky. She felt like everything had become greyer since the start of the outbreak, the color lost somewhere between the first days and now.  She hadn't heard much news about what was happening, only that there were a lot of dead bodies piling up somewhere along the way. But still, everyone seemed to be coping just fine and she couldn't help but wonder how many people were left.   How many people were left in this city where she lived, who she knew and worked with? How many people were going through this hellish experience right now?

 And if those hundreds or so people didn't survive then there would be no one else left…

If anyone survived…

She shook her head. This was ridiculous. She couldn't dwell on such depressing thoughts. She had to remain positive for herself and the ones close to her.  Her family. Friends. They needed her to believe that somehow everything will turn out alright.

Maybe there is hope for them. Maybe there is a cure. Or at least some kind of medicine or something.

  Even a vaccine.  Someone somewhere has to have figured it out and maybe they are even saving lives now.  She can't believe she's letting doubt take hold of her mind again, but it happens sometimes. 

  It can be easy to convince yourself that everything will work out alright but you're never quite sure how long that false hope lasts. Especially when things are getting worse.

The company she worked for had shut down a few months ago due to financial problems. They were going bankrupt anyway so really, there was no harm done. The loss was small compared to all the other losses that happened in the past months.  But that didn’t make it any easier to accept because it made the whole situation feel worse.  She had tried so hard to prove everyone wrong, convinced herself that everything was going to get better. But things aren’t always what they seem.  You have to learn to stop taking anything for granted, especially happiness. She’d learned that lesson a long time ago. 

But, as much as she tries to keep a positive outlook, she knows that her family isn’t the most likely group to have made it through the plague unscathed either. So, she pushes her worries away. At times like these her mind wanders, and she lets her thoughts consume her.  A year ago, she had found happiness in this life. A normal job that gave her an interesting schedule full of projects and deadlines.  A nice house that she loved to live in. The people she worked with that were good friends. It was exactly what she’d always dreamed of having and yet it wasn’t enough anymore. Now she has to worry about money and bills, how much rent she could pay, and whether her cat needed new litter boxes or not. How many groceries does she need for the next week alone? And how to save for the future, to buy more food, to invest in an electric blanket…she had been living in fear that her paycheck wouldn't be enough and her mortgage wouldn’t cover the cost of a new mattress. 

All because of a stupid virus. 

A simple infection meant that she wouldn't be stuck behind closed doors, living in fear, and suffering from the pain in her chest. The virus didn't mean that her entire life was ending, that every second spent outside her apartment was a chance at death.  And yet, it made her doubt. Because what if they can't find anything? That thought kept popping into her head like a ticking bomb. What if there isn't enough of anything?

What if she's going to die before her thirty-first birthday?

Those thoughts had haunted her almost constantly during the quarantine that ensued. Each morning she woke up feeling guilty, like something terrible was happening to those she loved, all because she wasn't smart enough to figure out how to get the hell out of the place before it became too dangerous.  The doctors, the nurses, and the other residents tried to reassure everyone as best as possible but everyone was scared and worried.  Everyone was scared and worried because none of them knew for certain that they would survive. Some said there were signs that the virus was spreading faster than expected and it could be spreading to everyone within ten minutes. Others claimed that the disease only affected young adults or elderly people. No one knew for certain and they were trying desperately to keep everyone's spirits lifted.

So, no matter how optimistic or optimistic anyone appeared to be, it just wasn't true.

This particular morning was no different. As the sunlight filtered through her blinds, she watched it slowly move across her room. It bathed everything in the dim glow, giving the walls and furniture a warm glow as well. 

She sighed and looked out of her window. She saw an empty playground and wondered how many children played around there these days,  laughing at a swing set in the middle of autumn, the leaves scattered everywhere and the colors of orange and red blending in with green and yellow.   Kids had been playing around there before, but now it was silent.

There were probably only a handful of parents still walking along the streets holding hands, looking for the nearest park, hoping to find somewhere safe to sit and watch as dusk settled over the town.

Sometimes things seem hopeless, life just doesn't go your way but you need to remember that there's always hope. And it wasn’t fair. Not to mention frustrating.

So she pushed those negative feelings aside and decided to focus on the positives that surround her instead. That meant that she didn't have to think about her own life right now and focusing on someone else's wasn't as difficult.

 Everyone has to try and stay positive, not give up before there's any chance of success. Even if it's hard sometimes, you just need to keep moving forward even when things aren't looking good.

The TV flickered back to life, breaking through her trance and reminding her that reality exists once more. For a few moments, she allowed herself to relish in the small sense of peace, her worries momentarily forgotten. 

She had missed her family terribly and would love to spend some more quality time together but the idea of being stuck in one room without any distractions was daunting in itself. It took her nearly fifteen minutes to muster the courage to leave her bedroom.

Her feet carried her into the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of water and gulped down half its content, feeling a bit guilty that she was drinking water in the middle of the afternoon. After pouring another glass she turned to see if there was anything she could use to cook. She picked up a bag of chips off the counter, deciding she might as well eat while she waited for her food to cook. She started eating quietly, thinking about her family. 

Her phone rang. 

"Hi, mom."

"How is your day?" 

"Busy, I'm cooking and cleaning right now," She answered truthfully.

"That's a great sweetie! I'm so proud!" Her mom replied. 

She smiled softly at the compliment.  Her mom wasn't very physically affectionate, especially after the death of their father several years earlier, but her mother was still the best mother a kid could ever ask for.

"You know we love you right?"

"I know," She chuckled. "How are the kids? How are the dogs? 

"Oh, we’re doing just fine! Just fine! We'll miss you though." She said.

Sara smiled sadly.  Her siblings and parents loved her dearly and although she loved every single one of them equally, she wished she could spend more time with them.

"We'll Skype every day and make plans to meet up. Right?" She asked, knowing that her brothers and sister would want to meet up too.

"Absolutely! We're always here to support you, Sara!"

"I know. Thanks, mom." She smiled.  Her heart warmed up as she thought about the fact that she wasn't going to see her family for a while.  "I should finish making lunch soon so I can call you guys later."

"Ok. Well, you better hurry because I heard that there are more reports about people dying and more bodies piling up." Her mom warned. "Try not to get too caught up in whatever's happening out there. Make sure you eat too, ok?"

"Yes, yes, I know…" She chuckled, rolling her eyes. "Don't worry, mom. I'll eat, sleep and do my chores. I promise. Bye!"

She hung up the phone and began setting out the ingredients for sandwiches. She grabbed two different kinds of the sandwich mix, putting them both down on a separate plate and mixing them in the bowl. She grabbed the bread and cheese slices and set them on top of the mixture.   After adding oil and lemon juice to the mixture she mixed everything before pouring the mixture onto a baking sheet.

She went to fetch a couple of eggs from the refrigerator, quickly whisking all the ingredients and mixing them. When she was sure she had everything ready, she placed the pan in the oven which then promptly began to heat up.  Before she even had time to blink the timer was off and the timer went off for the second batch.

This time, she took the opportunity to relax and listen to music as she finished preparing the sandwiches. Once the second batch had finished cooking she carefully removed them from the tray and put them into three plates. She put some sliced fruit, bread, and butter on top and then put the sandwiches onto the plates.

They tasted delicious. Sara was always surprised at the difference between the different flavors; the strawberry jam was the worst and not worth the effort to make it taste good.  But the ham was the best thing she’s ever eaten.  It was fresh and salty but also incredibly warm and tasty.

The rest of the sandwiches followed suit perfectly and the sound of her favorite song filled the air, filling her entire apartment with comfort and calmness. 

As she sat at the dining table sipping her iced tea while waiting for dinner to cook, she let herself enjoy her time there. There was nothing wrong with the silence that surrounded her; it felt like heaven right now.  All she could hear was humming along to the radio as it played “The One I Love” by Britney Spears.

At first, she tried to block everything out. Trying to forget about the news about the outbreak spreading across most of the city and wondering what she would do if things got bad enough and someone close to her died.  Maybe she couldn’t handle it. She had already lost her dad, losing anyone else seemed unimaginable. It scared her to even think about it.

But the more she concentrated on the sound of the song, the less painful it became to dwell on the thoughts. So she stopped trying to block everything out and started enjoying her surroundings once again.