Lost

Chapter 2

Today as a grown up, I realize that how stupid yet memorable my childhood was.

Though all these years are proof that I did grow up, learning things that are still helping me, while somethings just broke me. Even though all those bad incidences, from being seduced by someone very close, to being touched by a stranger and then being judged by my own people.

I was a kid, a mere 6-7 year old when I started facing hatred. I was a human too, I still am but the question isn’t that. The question is that did they ever consider me one?

The answer may vary, however all they wanted was me to act or react the way they wanted. With ‘they’, I refer to everyone who was close to me, and everyone who has hurt me till now. Talking about my parents? They wanted me to be a perfect daughter, it’s not I didn’t try but my fears turned out exactly how I didn’t want them to. I have done mistakes and maybe I’ll continue to, after all we are all humans.

One of those ‘sweet’ incidences, I remember is when I first learnt what the word ‘love’ meant. This word in itself has various meanings, because different people define it in different ways.

It’s about Mother’s day when I made a card, really ugly card, but my mom somehow found it to be very sweet. I might never know this but my mom said I’ll only know when I become a mother, as if I ever will.

“Aww, my lovely daughter. It’s so pretty!

I love you so much, my baby.” That’s how she replied.

At that very moment, I only hugged her but an hour later, I realized that there was a new word I heard of that day. The word ‘love.’

I grew up into a person with stubborn nature and curious mind to get to the answers of things that troubled me.

I might not have turned into a rebellious kid, but I learnt to fight against all my friends because all of them made me feel, insecure much.

That attitude of me have brought up so many things to an end.

(End of what? This is Ahana Singh’s life, there’s a lot more to know than you think.)

Hehe, keep reading. Don’t kill the suspense by turning to the last page.

Getting back to all those questions I had to ask my mom about ‘love’ , but in spite that questionnaire, I am still not very clear about it, never can be. The word in itself is very much complicated and most of us are never going to know what deeper meaning this four letter word means.

The only reason we fail to love is we bind conditions and ruin the pureness of it.

Most of us, mainly.

We often fail to prove the love.

Maybe it need not be proved, but then let’s just call it, expressing.

It’s so tough for me as a grown up to rationalize or understand the meaning of it, how would a six year old me know it?

Umm so where was I? Sorry got digressed from the main story.

I rushed to my mom and sat beside her immediately, my mom saw the curiosity in my eyes and within mere fraction of seconds she asked.

“What happened Meethi?”

Who’s Meethi? Used to be my pet name once, but then I started disliking it and then of course I changed slightly different, okay maybe a whole different from what that word exactly means.

It means sweet, I changed that self in me.

That’s because my tongue works faster than my brain.

“Umm, maa something is troubling me.” I replied to her.

“I can see that dear. But what’s troubling you?

How can I help you?”

“Yes mom only you can.”

“Ok, so let me know what’s troubling my little baby?”

“Mumma it’s love.” The expressions she gave me were very obvious but also funny at the same time.

“What do you mean?” she asked looking at me, as if I just cheated on her with another mother. Just saying.

Oh and the word ‘cheated’, was very much unknown until I met him again and someone dogged a seed in my head. Still unaware of what it would cause but I learnt that word when I turned 19.

She was shocked and amused at the same time.

:p

Oh and before you think I time traveled to recall these things, because it’s almost impossible to remember all of it, but no. I remember it and then time travelling kind of stuff don’t exist sorry to break your illusion.

“Mum, I want to know it’s meaning?” I said very impatiently not knowing what greater meanings or impacts it was going to show in my own life.

“But why dear?”

“Actually you said ‘you love me’, so I don’t know the meaning of love. If you could tell me.

You used it so you must be knowing it.”

She chuckled a bit and placed her hand on my head, I asked her again because she didn’t seem to give an answer.

She asked me to calm down and sit at a place, but I was being fixity like always.

But the way she explained things to me, I couldn’t have asked for more.

“ So you see, ‘Love’ is not just a word.

It’s not something that can be expressed by saying or just proving, it’s beyond a word you know.

Love means to care for someone.

To not want to lose someone.

Love is when you chose to live your whole life with someone..

You’re ready to sacrifice for the person you love.

Love is priceless indeed.

The way I am ready to do anything for you, because I love you my baby.”

“OH!” I replied still being clueless how to react.

“But I wanted to know what does emotion means?” I continued.

“Emotions are what you feel.”

“Oooooooo..” I replied because my mind went blank by thinking of something that meaningful, or meaningless maybe.

“By the way what’s making you ask all of this?”

“I don’t know mom, but it’s my stupid conscience that was troubling me, so I asked you.”

“Umm, I see.” she said before getting up her place.

“Maa, you said for someone to stay forever, but when I get married will you still love me?” I so want to slap myself for asking that.

“God, where you learning that from? My love for you is priceless and I’ll love you at any cost.” She said two contradictory statements at the same and as a six year old again I was dumb much to ask another question.

“You said it’s priceless, but then you added at any cost. How much does the love for me cost then?” She laughed, but I know she wanted to cry for me being her daughter, and I feel she still wants to cry for getting a daughter like me.

“Ahana, that’s just a phrase and before you ask what’s a phrase, go sleep.”

“But maa..” even though it was going to be a different question, but since she was already tired of answering the questions. I gave her a slight hug and left to my room.

I have been talkative, always. Maybe I still am or just curious.