Lost

Chapter 4

How things started to settle in another two months, because I very much adjusted there, found good friends but then one fine day one of those words came into my life, unexpectedly at a very young age but then I felt wrong that day. I was merely a kid of seven, when I was forced to feel that I was loved less.

Mistakes are what makes us all a human, we all have done mistakes but there’s a person, sitting on top of all us counting our ‘sins’, but I do not know what were mine, that I was being left out irrespective of how I worked on myself to be a better person.

It was any normal day at my house when me and my brother started playing, I ran past him because he hit me with a pillow, but then he fell down and got hurt in the leg.

“Enough of you Ahana, I know you are jealous of your brother, but you don’t go on hurting him.” My mom yelled at me without even asking what really happened, he slipped by his own and I had nothing to do with it but my mom cared least to listen to what I had in my defense.

The word was ‘jealous.’

“Why would I be jealous?” I asked because till that time I really didn’t know what ‘being jealous’ feels like, but after that I knew what it felt like, exactly.

“Because you think you get less attention.” She snapped at me, I cried that’s all I knew, but later I started to seek more attention from them. I was the elder daughter, I needed some perks, of course.

“But why would I push him?” I asked with wet eyes, because even if I needed their attention I would never harm Ahaan, he is my brother and I love him so much.

“ For the same reasons.” That wasn’t true, but she didn’t want to know what the reality was so I left. I learnt two things that day, ‘jealousy’ and ‘escaping.’

I grew up to feel the need of fighting for myself and things I felt were right on my part, but I also learned to escape. I escaped from myself, from reality and found myself in a tiny bit bubble. Something that only belonged to me and it was never going to burst until one day.

I was only growing up to realize that Ahaan was loved more and then just another incident happened right after to prove it and that seed never got out of my head. Not even till the present day.

It is about Diwali holidays, when my grandparents were home and my mom left me with my grandmother, took Ahaan with them and my grandmother asked.

I called her mumma, because she was closer to me than my own mom.

“Didn’t you want to go to the market?” She asked me and I replied.

“But you know I am elder, so I can stay alone, I am a brave girl.” I know I wasn’t brave, but today I am. Even though I was hurt on that day but I did not want to show it, and won’t do it till date, I don’t want to tell them how bad I feel every time I am told that, ‘I may not land anywhere because I am too childish.’

I presumed that keeping feelings to yourself were more helpful, that is exactly how I grew up and never learnt to show my feelings.

“It’s okay, if they don’t love you, but I will always love you.” She said it and I thought that I have her for life so I took a promise. I felt that there was at least one person to love me, and also that no one else loved me.

“Promise me, that you will stay with me always.”

“I promise.” She promised.

Only if promises turned out as they should have.

Fears.

And

Fates.