Intense Desires...

Are You Sure You Don't Want To...

In June of 2002,

As usual, I awoke with the sun and went straight to the bathroom to shower. I was already missing Yamini, so I changed into the trousers and t-shirt she had given me. It seemed a little excessive for a Saturday, but it made me feel closer to her. I'd despise it if they wore out or didn't fit properly. I finished my dressing and walked downstairs for breakfast, which consisted of sugared porridge.

My father and brother were going to witness a model train display at the Rail Museum. My mom was putting my sister off to a friend's house for the night before coming to my grandmother's place, as she did most Saturdays. Nobody would arrive until after dinner. Ritvik would arrive at 10:00 a.m., as his tuition class was scheduled for 8:00 a.m. When my mother and father were not at home, he was the only one she would let inside the house. Despite the sadness, the day was shaping up to be a good one.

The 'OK' aspect was debunked by a thunderclap-at least in terms of the weather.

Dad got his coffee and half a grapefruit and added, "Thunderstorms predicted for all day today."

"I wasn't planning on going out. Ritvik is coming over, and we're going to play chess and table tennis. The competition is next week."

As he sat down to eat, he remarked, "Have fun."

Mom kissed Dad as she entered with Sheetal. "Why are you dressed up?" she asked as she came to a halt.

"I simply felt like wearing the clothes Yamini gave me because Ritvik was coming over."

"Well, you're familiar with the regulations."

"I know, I know, Mom," I said.

She gave me a cold stare before heading out the door with Sheetal (Mom being Hitler Mom).

Dad completed his meal and proceeded to wake up Anoop, who had never gotten out of bed until being dragged out. Dad pounded on the door, announcing that he was going in ten minutes. With two minutes to spare, Anoop arrived dressed and ready to go. He walked into the kitchen and took a handful of cookies. As Dad walked out the door, the toaster beeped. Anoop snatched his food and dashed out the door.

"Bye, Ashvini," he said.

At the very least, Dad said goodbye to me.

"I'll see you tonight," I said.

Until Ritvik came, there wasn't much to do. I sat down with my books and a chessboard to remember various black replies to the Queen's Gambit opening, which was all the rage at the chess club at the time. This year, it seemed like everyone was playing some form of it. Today's topic was "Modern Variation." Heavy rain and howling wind were accompanied by thunder and lightning. A typical Delhi thunderstorm was caused by a western disturbance; however, it was a little early in the day at 8:00 a.m. I was listening to the weather on the radio. Normally, I mainly listened to the commentary of Indian cricket matches, but they featured frequent weather forecasts. All day it was supposed to rain on and off. I switched to a different channel.

I got up at 9:00 a.m., put my book down, and went outside to get some fresh air. I observed that the rain had subsided and that there was some sunshine. When the phone rang, I was standing in the kitchen. Ritvik was the name.

"Hey, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to make it today. Mom and Dad are on their way to my grandfather's place, and I am required to accompany them. If you wanted to, you could come. "

He'd invited me before, but I'd never accepted his invitation.

"You know, I can't, since I don't have permission from my parents. My mom will certainly don't like it. I'm simply going to hang around here. I'm not in the mood to hang out with anyone right now."

He merely said a single syllable. This is a statement. This isn't a question. “Yamini.”

“Yeah. Yamini. I'm already missing her. "

"I knew you wouldn't be able to go, but Mom insisted on asking." I apologize for making such a last-minute change, but my grandfather insisted. Have trust in Yamini; everything will work out."

He hung up after we said goodbye.

That was the extent of my plans for the day. I wanted a break from my chess book, so I walked downstairs and rehearsed my moves by putting both sides of the chess pieces on the chess board. I was improving and hadn't lost any of my pals in months (except Ritvik). Granted, I was the only one with such folly, but I was brilliant at chess by myself (who plays chess by themselves? Me). I went upstairs after approximately an hour of practicing.

It rained again, although not too severely this time. I went next door to see if Preeti was still alive (just joking). I didn't think my parents would find out, and in the worst-case scenario, because they were out of town, we'd play a board game and then watch a cricket game (or whatever sport was on) on a sports channel. I dashed over to the next home and rang the doorbell. Preeti's mother came to the door.

"She's gone to her friend Anita's place," she replied.

I murmured, "Thanks anyhow, Mrs. Baghel," as I walked back to my house.

When I returned inside, sat down at the kitchen table, and began reading about the Slav Défense to the Queen's Gambit, a loud thunderclap and the doorbell rang nearly simultaneously. I was curious as to who it might be. Ritvik was in the company of his parents. Preeti was visiting a friend.

That meant there would most likely be strangers, as I was not expecting anyone, at least not in such stormy weather. I took a few steps to the front of the house and gazed out the window. In the driveway, there was a car I didn't recognize. I almost had a heart attack looking through the peephole. As I opened the door, my heart was hammering and my pulse was racing. Yamini was there wearing blue trousers and a blue fluffy t-shirt.

"Hello," she murmured timidly.

Then she turned around and waved at the automobile as it backed out of the driveway, leaving me speechless. I did nothing but stand there. I didn't know what to say.

"Aren't you going to welcome me in?" she asked.

I took a step back as she entered the house. I slammed the door behind me. I just stood there, staring. Finally, I was able to gather my wits.

"How did you end up here?"

"I need to see you again. I couldn't go without catching a glimpse of you. Because Kamini can't drive yet, I asked my host mother to drive me."

I was still stunned.

"How did you know I'd be here?"

"Ritvik. This morning, you were meeting up with him. You stated that last night in the car. He got out to say goodbye on the way home, and I requested him not to come over so I could. "

That explains Ritvik's spur-of-the-moment decision. I might have found something else to do if he had contacted me last night. I owed him money (Thanks Bro!). Even just spending a few hours with her would be worth more than anything I could ask for!

"Are we simply going to stand here?" she asked, a smile on her face.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, my face flushed. " All I can say is that I'm surprised to see you. Come on," I said while I escorted her into the living room.

I took a seat in my father's recliner. I didn't want her to get the wrong impression or feel uneasy. I didn't want to raise my expectations. She was going in two days, after all. She just sat on the couch, staring at me. I couldn't think of anything to say. I'd be content to simply sit and stare at her for a few hours.

That prompted me to inquire, "How long will you be staying?"

She narrated, "Kamini and her mum will be returning about 4:30 p.m. Your parents should be home about 5:00 p.m., according to Ritvik."

I was curious as to what she had in mind.

"Would you want anything to drink?" I inquired (I sounded like a bartender).

"Sure, just a glass of water," she replied, smiling.

I got up, went to the kitchen, and fetched her some water, with a few ice cubes thrown in for good measure. I brought some apple juice for myself.

The storm came up again as I stepped back into the family room. The thunder made the panes shiver. She pulled the glass from my grip and drank from it.

“Thanks.”

“Sure.”

I sat down in the recliner once again. I cranked up the radio's volume. I reasoned that a little music wouldn't hurt. Imagine my amazement when Tip-Tip Barsa Paani, Paani Ne Aag Lagayi was the first song that aired... (A Famous Hindi Song From Mohra Movie, Starring Sizzling Ravina Tandon and Dashing Akshay Kumar).

"Perfect!" Yamini said, laughing.

I gave her a kind grin. She returned the smile. (English and Hindi Meanings Mentioned in the song)

Tip-Tip, Barsa Paani,

(Drop Drop Water Rained)

(टिप-टिप बरसा पानी !)

Tip-Tip Barsa Paani, Paani Ne Aag Lagayi,

(Drop by Drop, Water Rained, Water Caught Fire)

(टिप-टिप बरसा पानी, पानी ने आग लगाई !)

Aag Lagi Dil Me To, Dil Ko Teri Yaad Aayi,

(There Was A Fire In My Heart, My Heart Remembered You)

(आग लगी दिल में तो, दिल को तेरी याद आई !!)

Teri Yaad Aayi To, Jal Utha Mera Bheega Badan,

(If I remember you, my wet body got burnt)

(तेरी याद आई तो, जल उठा मेरा भीगा बदन !)

Ab Tu Hi Batao Sajan, Main Kya Karun…

(Now you tell Me My Lover, What Should I Do?)

(अब तू ही बताओ सजन, मैं क्या करूँ !!)

The song, on the other hand, was sensual and well suited to our circumstances. And it wasn't a break-up song, as far as I knew. We weren't splitting up since we'd never been together in the first place, but she was going. It may, I suppose, lead to something else. I'm crossing my fingers.

"I'm going on Monday morning, as you know. And I needed to ask you a question."

“Sure. Anything.”

"Do you recall how I contacted you three weeks ago after my going away party? And inquired as to who she was?"

"You know I can't tell you," I said. "I shouldn't have even confessed anything happened, but I couldn't tell you the truth."

"I understand. But I was curious as to what had happened. How did it happen? You never mentioned any females. You've never spoken to me." Her eyes were getting bigger and bigger, her lips moving out of curiosity. She wanted to know everything.

I thought about what I should say. Is it really necessary for me to say anything? I had to be cautious, even though she was going on Monday. Even the stupidity of a clue might spell disaster (And I am the Master of Stupids).

"It wasn't anything I expected to happen. Someone I'd known for a while but who didn't attend our school wanted to join me. I'm a male. I wasn't sure what I was going to say. ‘No’?” Nervously, I laughed.

"No, I wouldn't expect you to," she said with a smile. "And I still find it amusing that the 'Simple London Girl' is a virgin but you aren't. Would you be willing to tell me what you did? I'm intrigued. Tell me every single piece of it."

This is risky territory. And I had no idea why she was inquiring.

I responded calmly, "We did all the normal stuff. I've seen her a few times, but I believe it's over. Like a long-term relationship, it wasn't going to work out. But I wouldn't change it for anything. I wasn't-over heels in love with her, but I had strong sentiments for her. In the end, I was disappointed, but I suppose she was correct."

It's up to Yamini to predict correctly once more. "An elderly woman," she jumped on and I was bemused. "Doesn’t go to our school. I bet she doesn’t go to a high school. College girl? Much older?” She fired bullets from her mouth and I was in the thick of it now.

"Please, Yamini," I begged, but I couldn't persuade her.

She was going to get me to provide more information than I should have. But I couldn't help myself.

"She's 25+," I told her. "Someone I met a few years ago, although she was unaware of it due to those circumstances." We met a month ago, and I was dressed in that clothing. She mistook me for someone older, and..."

"You look eighteen or nineteen when you wear those," Yamini said.

"... she invited me to her house, and I suppose you could say she seduced me. Even though I informed her I was only sixteen, she went ahead and did it anyhow. You can't tell anyone, though. We'd both get into trouble, and she'd be in danger. (I told her half-truth and half-fiction.)"

"I'm not going to inform anyone," she said in an affirmative tone. “I was merely curious as to how my friend moved from being timid and scared around females to being confident; why he was so joyful for two weeks... and then so depressed for another week."

She got attention! I believed I'd managed to conceal it. My emotions, I suppose, deceived me.

She went on to say, "It was your eyes that gave you away. I could tell you were upset about something deep down within. I assumed it was because I was leaving, but I wasn't sure. I knew how much you'd missed me last night, and I was certain it wasn't the same thing. That's one of the reasons I begged Ritvik to go so I could come here. I was curious as to what was going on. You weren't telling me what you were going through."

"I couldn't do it. What could I possibly say? Anything I said had the potential to bring so much pain to someone who gave me so much pleasure. I had no intention of doing it. I shouldn't even be discussing it right now. But I'm confident you won't say anything."

"Thank you," she murmured with a big smile on her face. "Thank you very much. It means a lot to me that you trust me."

I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just nodded as she stared at me.

"Was it that good?"

"It was," I answered, a faint smile on my face. "Fortunately, she understood just what to do, which prevented me from humiliating myself or making a total fool of myself. It was incredible. I always imagined myself fumbling about in the back of a car or trying to locate a hiding spot and dashing through it. Those were the tales I was always told. Instead, it was leisurely, in a comfortable bed, and with a knowledgeable partner. I wouldn't exchange it for anything." I started lying more and more since I was now having fun teasing her.

She simply sat and stared at me. I couldn't read her emotions as well as she could read mine, but there was something wrong. I wanted to be able to read females one day, but I wasn't expecting it. My father, who was 50+ at the time, was fond of declaring that no one had ever figured out women. I knew girls were perplexing, but I believed I'd figure it out when I grew older. But I wasn't so sure anymore. Perhaps Dad was correct.

She finished her water and set the glass on the table. The storm had passed, and there was a ray of sunshine.

"Let's go outside for a few minutes in between the rainstorms," she suggested as she stood up.

We stepped out the back door onto the terrace once I woke up. Because of the rain, the fragrance of the forests behind our house was overwhelming. It was, however, pretty tranquil. "It's wonderful," she commented as we stood there staring at the trees. It's unusual to have a perspective like this, and it's all fascinating. I'm not capable of doing it daily as you are."

I answered, "Yeah, it's lovely."

For almost five minutes, we stood there.

"Can I ask you something else, Ashvini?"

"Of course," I affirmed.

"Do you believe we'll cross paths again?"

"Well, after yesterday, I didn't think so, but you came up here today after indicating I might be shocked." I was certainly one of them. "Did you already have it planned?"

"No, but after saying that, I decided to try if I could make it happen when I got back in the car. That is exactly what I did. Ritvik was eager to lend a hand. I was a little anxious about my host mother, but she was OK."

"You were the one who made it happen. So, I think my response is yes, we'll meet up again. I'm not sure where we'll go or when we'll get there, but we'll get there. Maybe I'll visit London eventually."

“Really?” She smiled again, that killer smile, and said, "Perhaps I should teach you some skills, then," with a twinkle in her eye.

“Oh? You have taught me things. Can you tell me what you want me to teach right now?"

"Just a phrase," she remarked as she turned to return home. She patted the cushion next to her as she sat on the couch. I took a seat, taking care not to go too close. "I want you to say to me, I love you. Come on repeat after me," she ordered.

"Do you want me to say it?"

She gave a hesitant laugh. "Well, you should respectfully ask if I would want to make love to you, and I will answer yes, I would."

My mouth hung wide, and I found myself dumbfounded once more. This appeared to be a pattern - girls, not women, tended to have the same impact on me. "Are you taunting me again?" I said quietly after regaining some calm.

"No, Ashvini, I'm not joking. It's difficult, but I'm confident that's what I want. I was terrified that something would happen that would kill our friendship. Or that it would be so bad that we would come to regret it. However, you've changed a lot in the previous several weeks. I believe you can manage this at this point. And I'm confident that I can as well."

"Wait, you didn't want to have love with me before when we were both virgins?" She asked ferociously.

“Wait, you didn't want to have love with me before, but now you do? I'm not sure what you're talking about. What about Ritvik, for example? How did it go with the rejection? You were more into him than me." I snapped.

She appeared to be on the verge of crying. I guess she felt I was rejecting her, but I was in shock for the second time that day and couldn't think straight.

"No!" she said angrily. "I've always liked you, but I was terrified. I thought it would be enjoyable to spend out with Ritvik since he seemed safer, but I never imagined it would lead to anything meaningful. I was scared we'd start something, and then I'd have to go, and it'd be over. I was concerned we'd make a shambles and lose touch. I was frightened of being in a situation where I didn't know what to do. I believe your vision of the sexually liberated British girl with all the skills and answers from birth is now a thing of the past."

Her anxiety returned to her face after a fleeting grin at her comments. "Are you sure you don't want to?"