Vows and Bonds

Pressure and paperwork

Elise's POV

I glance at the clock for what feels like the hundredth time today, and it's been only fifteen minutes since I last looked. I'm so drained and overwhelmed, I feel like I need a good cry to feel better. On a bed too so I can fall asleep almost immediately.

It's a pretty slow afternoon as most bars are until early evenings and nights

“Refill” A customer waves me over.

He's on his sixth scotch of the day. And normally, I'd ask what's wrong or get him to stop drinking, but if I could drink all afternoon to drown out everything that's going on, I would. So I don't question his choice or push.

“Thanks Elly”

As I pour his scotch, I look around and calculate how quick a nap I could have before we had more customers.

“Girl, you look like you could use a drink” my co-worker Mel points out.

And looking in the mirror she has in her hands, I couldn't help but agree.

“What I need is a nap.”

She looks at me warmly, “go catch a few minutes in the break room, I'll cover for you”

I'm about to deeply express my gratitude when the door opens and about four groups of people walk in.

We look at each other knowingly. She can't cover that alone

I hold back a sigh. “It's fine, I can manage”

I'm grateful that I'd arranged for Ash to be picked up from school. He's in good hands.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I'll go take their orders.*

I make to leave, but she stops me

“Wait,” she pours a shot of straight vodka “this will help a bit”

She's not wrong. It's like igniting a dying fire”

“Thank you”

It helps so much so that I don't feel the tiredness even as more and more people keep flocking in.

I manage that way for about three hours until Mel calls out to me.

“Elly, break”

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding in.

“Thanks” I say, grateful for the chance to get some air.

Considering how near-empty it was a few hours ago, the bar is packed quite full.

“Your phone has been buzzing for hours” Mel tells me as I walk past her, “It’s driving me nuts”

I laugh a little “Thank you. I'll get it”

I'm taken aback by how many calls I'd gotten from Eira. It's not like her to call me at work. Unless….

Panic replaces the oxygen in my airways as a lot of images come to mind. Images of Ash. My son.

On a stretcher. In a coffin.

I call her back immediately.

It goes to voice mail.

I'm hardly breathing now.

I calm down long enough to see that she'd left me several texts too.

And from her last text, they're in the hospital.

I hurriedly pick up my things to leave and I bump into Mel at the hallway

“Whoa, slow down. Your house on fire or something?” She quips before seeing the panic in my eyes.

“What's wrong?” Her brows furrow.

“Ash…” that's all I can let out.

She understands immediately, “I'll drive”

“No, no” I protest, ”you have to work”

She groans.

“Fine. But you're not going alone”

She calls someone, and in a few minutes, her boyfriend shows up to pick me up.

I'm grateful for how he zips through town. Like he can sense my hurry

When he pulls up at the parking lot, I don't even wait for him to turn off the engine before I'm sprinting out of the car.

‘Ash can't be hurt.' I tell myself as I stand nervously in the elevator.

I would never forgive myself if he was.

By the time I get to the lobby and speak to Eira, I'm relieved that Ash is alright and that it wasn't a major issue. But my exhaustion is back and crashes down on me in waves. I feel it all the way down to my toes. It has my knees almost buckling.

‘Sleep. Now’

I shake my head, trying to stay alert. ‘Soon enough’

And as the nurse is talking about some paperwork I need to fill, I drift off several times.

Ash walks in, hand in hand with Dr. Thorne. And although I'm suddenly aware that I may not look my best, I'm too tired to care.

“Hey baby” I say, taking his face in my hands.

I search his eyes for the emotions in them. They're so transparent

He reminds me so much of parts of myself I used to know. And it stabs at my heart a little.

“I'm sorry mum,”

He's filled with so much guilt.

“It's okay Ash, we'll figure it out later.”

I want to reassure him, tell him I'm not mad and that everything will be fine, and even though being vulnerable with Ash has never been my strongest point, I need to save all the energy I can until we get to home.

I can feel Dr. Throne’s eyes on me the entire time.

‘Why can't we meet in better conditions?’

The nurse tries to get my attention again, and I'm trying so hard to listen to her words. Looking intently at her like that will make me follow each word more closely

“Miss Eileen, can I speak to you?” Dr. Throne's voice startles me

“Sure” I answer, wondering why he's calling me Eileen, but letting him take my arm to pull me away from everyone else.

I briefly wonder what he wants to say to me

‘Is there something else wrong with Ash? I've done my best to keep him perfectly healthy….’

“What kind of mother are you?” His random accusation startles me out of my thoughts

“Huh?”

“Your child is in the hospital and you're out there drinking and getting high?” He accuses, “and in general afternoon too?!”

“Excuse me?” I blink several times, wanting to wake my brain up in case I'd misheard.

I had to have misheard right? He did not just say that.

I know better than to work double shifts in a row, but I had needed to take on extra shifts to be able to pay off our recent medical expenses.

“Oh don't give me that blank innocent look, Eileen” he whisper-screams, confirming that I hadn't misheard, “what kind of mother are you really? Getting drunk on a weekday while your son is in the hospital for the second week in a row!”

Perhaps on a different day, I'd straighten my spine, look him square in the eyes and defend my parenting skills, but today, I just want to get home and fall asleep for as long as I can afford to. So instead, I look up at him and say, “first of all Dr. Thorne, it's Elise”

I have the brief pleasure of watching him slouch a little.

He probably wasn't expecting me to speak up. Perhaps he was used to small women just standing there and taking whatever he gave silently. Too. Bad.

“And secondly, you have no rights whatsoever to question my parenting skills or to accuse me of such bullshit. And certainly not in front of my son too”

He starts to speak, but I don't give him the chance to even make out his words

“Perhaps you have no respect for single mothers, and I honestly couldn't care less about your opinion, but I suggest you watch your tone and have your facts straightened out before you make your wild accusations”

I take a deep breath, satisfied I had given him a piece of my mind. Just a little piece.

I straighten once more.

“Now, if you have nothing to say to me about my son's health condition, I will be taking my leave”

I pause a beat and then say, “thank you for your help Dr. Thorne.”

And then I walk out gracefully. Smiling to Ash so he doesn't think anything is wrong.

He seems to talk about Dr. Thorne a lot lately.

I finally manage to fill out the paperwork, and walk with Ash and Eira to the street to get a taxi.

“You're not coming with us mum?” Ash asks when I don't get in the car with them.

“No buddy” I put my face in the window, hoping he wouldn't be able to read my eyes. “You'll stay with Nana tonight, I'll come get you tomorrow”

I look at Eira pleadingly.

“Now that's exciting isn't it?” She says to Ash, but I understand that it's her quiet way of accepting my imposition.

As the taxi drives away, I let my shoulders drop, and I begin to walk home. When the rain starts, I don't quicken my pace, but walk leisurely through it all.

Replaying how hard it has been surviving alone. The accusation….all of it.

When I get home, I lock the doors, then immediately fall on my bed.

The tears come then. And I make no move to stop them.

They come with all the exhaustion, anger and frustration.

And yet again, I'm grateful for Eira. For always being there to help, and always being willing to.

I'm grateful Ash isn't here , to see me like this.

I need to be alone tonight.