Vows and Bonds

First Day

“Mum, Mum!” Ash sing-songs, tugging on my hand. “Let’s go, let's go, I don’t want to be late!”

He’s already bouncing toward the door, backpack hanging half open, shoelaces untied. Typical. My son has all the energy in the world, and somehow, all of it seems to escape me.

I sigh, rubbing a hand over my face, thinking of how much I could use some of his energy before my next shift. Not everyone is this eager for the first day of a new grade, but then again, Ash has never been like other kids. He’s smart, lively, and always in a hurry—to grow up, to run ahead, to be anywhere I’m not.

Not that I blame him. I’m either working, too busy, or too damn tired to be a mother to him. Sure, I feed him, and make sure there's a roof over our heads, but I'm not there for the important stuff. Like homework, or any kind of fun.

I subconsciously rub my temples. I have the beginnings of a headache, and Ash's bubbly enthusiasm is only threatening to make it worse.

“Alright turbo, let's go” I say, grabbing the keys to my beat up Honda.

Ash squeals with delight.

“Remember,” I say, adjusting his little tie and collar after we're parked outside his school, “be good, and after school…”

“I know, I know,” he picks up before I can finish, “Wait for nana or Wade to pick me up”

I feel a quick stab to my chest. Have I really been that terrible? Sigh.

‘Nana’ is actually Mrs. Hawthorne. She's been so helpful since we moved here, and she loves Ash like her own. He stays with her until I get off work. And Wade is a helpful teen who happens to be our neighbor.

Maybe for the first time, I realise how unreliable I've been to my son

“Actually,” I say surprising him, “I was going to ask how you feel about ice cream after school

I watch as his eyes widen with glee and hope before he quickly banks it and shrugs, “okay”

The sting in my chest lingers, and I bite the corner of my lip.

“Okay, Ash, have a great day” I say unlocking the car for him to get off.

“Thanks mum, you too” he says, almost like an after thought as he hops out. His smile is back, but the glow is at a life that is away from me.

“Everything you do, you do for him” I force myself to remember, as I grip the steering wheel so my guilt doesn't engulf me.

“Miss Elise” Ash's teacher calls to me after Ash passes by her, skipping into school.

“Good morning miss Vicky,” I say, bracing myself for reports while wondering what Ash could've possibly done wrong. He was perfect.

“Is something up with Ash?”

“No, no,” she laughs nervously. “Ash is a dream.”

Don't I know it?

I rub my hands on my jeans nervously, “so what's up?”

“Actually, I wanted to ask about you. How are you?”

The question throws me off for a second.

“Huh?” I'm sure my reaction reveals the shock I feel

“How are you, Miss Elise?”

“I'm fine, I'm fine. Why?” I ask genuinely.

“It's nothing really, I just like to check in with the parents of my students, you've missed quite a few of Ash's plays and PTA meetings”

Great, even the teacher knows I'm a terrible mother

“Yeah, that. I'm so sorry” I say working up an apology “time flies away from me before I even know it. It's hard to keep track of the things I have to do”

“I understand,” she says sweetly, even though I can feel her judging me. “It's hard to keep up. Especially alone”

A not-so-subtle hint at me being a single mother.

“I have help,” I tell her firmly. She can keep her pity. “It's the only reason I have made it this far”

“That's wonderful” she says, getting the message “thanks for catching up with me”

“Thank you”

I stop to get gas before I get to work, and after I pay, I open my purse to see how much I have left. It's not a lot. Hopefully, today's a good tip day.

On the way, driving past the woods, I hear a faint howl and I grip the steering wheel till my knuckles turn white as the hairs on my neck stand.

“Breathe Elise,” I tell myself while doing the breathing exercises I practiced in therapy. “It's just a dog that's probably wounded. Your mind is playing tricks on you. You're fine. You're here. Now.”

I go about the rest of my day robotically, making a mental note that I have to pick up Ash and go for ice cream later.

“Dia!” I scream as the trays in my hand come crashing on the ground after a co-worker accidentally slammed the kitchen door too hard. “Great, there goes my paycheck”

I don't need this today. Why the f**k am I spiraling? “Get it together Elise”

After hyperventilating for about two minutes, I bend down to pick up the plates, hoping my boss doesn't fire me for the chaos. Irene comes to help

“Are you okay?” concern fills her voice.

“I'm fine, I'm fine” I say forcing a smile at her while my hands shake violently, “just very clumsy today”

“Elise,” a calm but stern voice calls, “my office, please”

Great. I'm getting fired

“I'm so sorry,” I say, my words jumbling all together “I'll pay for the damages, it won't happen again, I promise”

“Elise, breathe” my boss says reassuringly, “you're not getting fired.”

It takes me a moment to process what she just said.

“Thank you so much” I say gratefully. I can feel tears brimming in my eyes.

“Don't thank me yet, I'm still taking money out of your check for damages”

“I understand. Thank you” I'm grateful I still have a job

“You need to take care of yourself too. You're taking on too much”

“I have to, for Ash”

“There are other ways to take care of your son without slowly killing yourself” she says firmly, “you can't work three jobs. It's not healthy”

“I'll work on it, thank you” I tell her

I don't intend to though, I'll find a way…somehow.

“Take the rest of the day off Elise. See you tomorrow”

I protest immediately “I don't need to, I'm fine. It was just a moment”

“It's an order Elise. Do it, or get fired”

‘Maybe a day off isn't so bad afterall’ I tell myself as I crank up the stereo in my car. I could have a good nap, before ice cream with Ash. “And maybe a pedicure,” I think out loud as I look at my crusty finger nails.

I can hardly recognize the woman looking back at me in the rearview mirror. Eye bags, and a terrible haircut.

I need a self care day. I step on the gas and head to the nearest salon.

My phone rings, but I turn it off without looking.

No work today. Today's for me.