Caged

1

"Your daughter is dead!" his brother bellowed so nonchalantly over the phone.

I sat up in the seat of the Chrysler van I had just slept in for the night and looked in the direction of where he was standing just holding his phone, just to quickly look away and think how unreal this must be. It must just be a cry for help and attention. We just drove 13 hours to make it here to get his daughter, wrecked the car three-fourths of the way here, sat at McDonalds for 3 hours waiting for someone to come get us, and rented a van to finish the trip to come save her for someone to just speak so matter-of-factly with a bland absence of any emotion. It couldn't be real.

I stepped out of the car to smoke a cigarette and looked at him waiting for a sign that we were going to go find her, not knowing if I should continue smoking or get back in the van. As I looked at him in disbelief, he said, "Don't worry. You might as well finish your cigarette. If she is dead, we were too late anyways."

I finished my cigarette and stepped quietly back onto the van driver's side and started the van. As I followed behind his friend's car, all I could think was about how it really wasn't true, and we would get there and she would be okay and we could complete our mission. But I saw the ambulances in the hotel parking lot before we even turned into the long driveway to the Red Roof Inn. It was then that I knew it was true, but I still had hope that she was possibly resuscitated from whatever happened. My heart dropped into my stomach and tears welled up in my eyes although I knew he hated it when I cried. I took a moment to let a few tears drop and then quickly wiped my face before he came up to the driver's side window to tell me where to park. Then I watched him ascend the steps of the hotel to the upper floor runway.

The police and paramedics were at the door with a few unknown young adults sitting in chairs on the outside of the open door. I wanted to throw up as he walked towards the door and leaned on the balcony railing by the door. I was parked too far away to hear, but I could see the reaction when he turned to walk back down the balcony. It wasn't the look he gave or the way he turned to walk back down the stairs. It was a feeling of pain that pierced my heart and struck my gut suddenly, like I was feeling his pain. It was the most breathtakingly horrible feeling and that is when I knew it all was true and his daughter was really dead.

He stopped to talk to a group of people gathering below the steps as if they were consoling each other and reached out to him. He shrugged back distinctly, but allowed for an awkward hug. I sat in the van while he traveled through the parking lot from group to group of unknown people speaking and moving quickly. I knew he was just thinking and looking for the motive behind each set of people that were present.

I sat curiously and sadly thinking, "Where were all these people before she died? Everyone looked at her like an angry 20-year-old like she wasn't supposed to be angry, raging from shelter to shelter, burning bridges at each place she left. But did not one person really try to listen and talk to her? Her baby had just died and she had not seen her daughter in almost a month. Why didn't anyone just try to help her? But why do they all want to be here now? When it is too late?"

She had some turmoil previous to this happening and that is saying it mildly. Only a few months before, she woke up to her 4-month-old son not breathing next to her. Her 4 year old daughter was immediately taken away and placed in her grandmother's care until an investigation was done to determine the cause of death of the baby. After the investigation was complete and the cause of death was determined to be SIDS, she immediately tried to get her daughter back. Child Protective Services had not yet completed the paperwork to release her other child to her, so when she went to her grandmother's house to see her daughter she was surprised to get shunned by her grandmother, the person that raised her in the absence of her own parents. The surprise turned into anger, rage, hurt, hopelessness, and 'tis the beginning of the crash and burn of this human life so young and beautiful, dismissed by many and understood by few.