It Has Always Been You

Chapter – 13

Chapter – 13

Two months ago,

Dear diary,

Today is the three-hundredth day away from home, from Gabe, mom above all dad and Emmi, on foreign land. But no matter how much truth is it I miss my life there but here it doesn’t seem foreign anymore. It feels like a part of me belongs here now. I have made some really heartfelt bonds here, some that were beyond what I thought I was capable of. I get love from them and a friendship I never really had before. They are all very sweet and supportive in my journey.

I never knew living away from my family, not talking much, could be this excruciating and heartbreaking. I miss them, still, every day, every minute. But it all seems to calm down a lot now. When I look back to that time, that day, I couldn’t believe that I ran away. But there is no regret anymore. I am happy I made this decision. I never knew Anny was this cool and fun. She is nothing like how mom is with me. She treated me like she valued me for me and not how I looked from the outside. My heart still gets heavy when I think about the times when I prayed for hope.

But there is good news. I am currently ninety pounds lighter than what I was on my flight to London. I can’t be any happier. I discovered so much about myself that I didn’t know was possible. Apparently, I don’t like those sweet and sugary foods. They make me sick now and bloated. Nor did I like those fast foods, greasy and dense. I ate them just because I was tensed or depressed. They were my coping mechanism. And I also discovered that I love running in the mild cool wind and I miss my time with Emmi way more than I thought. I hope I can come back home one day with pride to make appreciable changes. I have applied for the university they enrolled Emmi in, in California. I’ve also sent applications to many other universities here in London. My dream is to go study with Emmi but if I couldn’t I'll study here.

Flashes of the day still play in front of my eyes. They were not just the terrible moments of a single day, but a lifetime. Everything anyone said and thrashed me, I keep it all with me pushing it to the back of my head, suppressing those emotions of anger and dispose of inside, they all become too real and overbearing to feel with just how the person I loved thrashed me. They pushed me to finally chose a path that can actually do some good for me. But it never means I forget all that time; it is still with me as a reminder of what kind of person I shouldn’t ever be.

London,

After a month,

I was back from my five-mile early morning run, huffy and puffy and most of all sweaty. I checked the mailbox before hopping in the elevator. Yes, I'm still lazy and I hate stairs and Anny lived on the fifteenth floor. The one from the US had my faith in it whether it will be an ‘approved’ or a ‘rejected’. Tearing it open and reading it, I felt like a full-forced wave of happiness hit me harder than a truck.

“aunt Anny…” I said excitedly, almost jumping on my feet all the way to her study. I was gripping the envelope in a tight fist like my life depends on it. It was the best thing that had happened to me, something I decided for myself for the first time, and I couldn’t be happier. She was someone I wanted to share it with.

“What happened, darling? You seem so cheery. What’s the good news?” she came out of her study, still wearing those grandma glasses on her nose. I always told her to not wear them, it hides her beautiful eyes. She asked in her usual soft and calm voice. She looked like a strict and proud teacher.

“I got in… I got in…” I exclaimed, hugging her.

“where did you get in? Hope it’s not about the game that you play at night.” She pushed her glasses up on the nose.

“no aunt Anny, I got into the university of California… I told you I applied, remember.”

“what really??” she looked happier than what even mom and dad would be, as a teenager, like me.

“yes! Yes! Yes! Is got the letter just now. They said the semester will begin next month. I am so excited, finally, I can go to college.” I happily exclaimed.

“that’s great. So, say, what should we do to celebrate the news? Should I order a cake, no… no, I think we should go out and celebrate with some gourmet food.”

“I really want some ice cream, but I think I could settle for the yummy yogurt you make. I don’t want to eat out.”

“right away, darling. It’s your special day.” She kissed my forehead with love and adore, care and gentleness. I was so happy that I can supply this excitement for about ten sad people and they will start jumping off their feet-balls.

“what happened?” I was so consumed in my excitement that I didn’t saw the sadness that was hidden behind her smile. That she tried to hide, but couldn’t anymore. I felt that there is something that was saddening her, troubling her.

“Nothing.” she shrugged me and started walking back into the kitchen.

“wait, please tell me, what is bugging you? You said no secrets.”

“Nothing really, I just got emotional but I'm alright. When are you going back to California?”

“In two weeks, I still have to get the tickets and tell mom and dad about it.” I saw the sadness crept up again on her face. Now I think I know what was bugging her.

“is that why you are sad that I will leave now that I got into college?”

She looked down and continued, “I know it’s selfish, but I truly loved the past year we were together. I felt like I was young again. I never thought I could adjust so well to someone living with me; I'll miss you a lot when you're away. I loved the time we spent together.”

I didn’t realize when tears started pouring out of both of our eyes. I suddenly saddened at the thought of us not being around anymore. I didn’t even think about it before. We grew so close together that she became a part of me and I hers.

“I will come live with you every vacation I get. I promise. You can come live with me too; we can do so many things together. It will be fun.”

“sure darling, I promise I will make time and come to you.”

“I love you so much.” We hugged once again, bearing the emotions.

“I love you too. So, which one?”

“huh?”

“strawberry or blueberry yogurt.”

“both.”

“I knew it.”

She walked into the kitchen while I dialed dad’s number to tell him the news that I'll be coming and also to keep it a surprise from everyone.

A year ago, I came to live with my aunt, my mom’s younger sister. She was less like an aunt and much more to me, a friend, a sister, and a secret keeper. After Emmi, she was the best friend that I needed. Maybe we got close because she is like Emmi in so many ways, supportive and understanding.

When I was on the flight from the US to London, I never thought that this time away from everyone I knew would mean so much to me. It was first just an excuse to run away from my torturous life. It scared me she will think of me as a loser as well just like anybody else, just like mom, but never once did she questioned my decision of not going to college, she even supported me and talked to me more sympathetically, understood me, and support me to be a better version of myself.

But there is something that I told no one, not her, not Emmi, and not Gabe. Not a single soul. The real reason I ran away. It can’t just be bullying; I wasn’t that week after all. The real reason for such a harsh decision was way more disheartening. It terrified and disheartened me. I didn’t have the hope that kept me going for years. I was hopeless.

It was the day of graduation when it all happened.

“where are you going?” I was sneaking away when Emmi suddenly questioned.

“I'll be right back.” I tried getting away.

“But we have to click some photos together. Our parents are on the way.” Emmi persisted.

“okay wait for just ten more minutes and I'll be back.”

“fine but not more by a single second.”

“promise.”

I ran up to the third floor, biology lab. One of the most interesting. I asked someone to meet me up here in this room. He didn’t know who gave him the note. I just put it on his desk. I knew he would come; I knew him that much. He loves solving mysteries; he thinks he is a smartass. And I was right. He was there alone, waiting for me.

I entered the lab. I wanted to tell him how I felt about him. This was the last chance that I got to share my feeling for him. I don’t even know if I'll ever see him again. I’ve heard he is going to a college in New York. So maybe it could be our last conversation. I won’t get this opportunity again.

“did you call me here?” Caspian asked me coldly. He never talked to me like that. I can’t tell what was wrong with him from his icy demeanor.

We were friends, not very close since high school started. But we talked sometimes when we crossed paths. We were close as kids, but then we grew distant. He was a nice guy. We always had similar grades, but he was into sports, too.

“yes.”

“why?” he asked again, spitting ice with his words.

“I wanted to tell you something,” I confessed, unable to figure out his facial emotions.

We were in the same school since fourth grade and our parents knew each other too. Our fathers were very close.

“I had it all written in this, please read it when I am gone.” I handed him a note and ran right out of the lab and back to Emmi before he comes looking for me.

The next thing I know was, I was with my parents taking pictures when I got a notification on my phone.

He posted the letter in his story on ** with two smiling emoticons. My heart crashed. I felt like someone took the oxygen away from me. Is it really him? I denied the fact that he could actually do that to me. We were close at once. He still didn’t consider my feelings. Who am I joking, guys are like that, they don’t care about girls who are not pretty?

I straight went to my car and came back home. My thinking got distorted and my vision blurry. I somehow made it safely home, which was almost non-achievable for me. It was the first time that I felt this humiliated. The picture was all over the group chats, on social media. Everyone was reposting it, tagging their friends. It was a disaster. I never thought he would be so harsh with me. He thought just by cropping my name, it will be okay. He was a good person, but I'm not sure about it anymore. Why did he do something like that?