Faking It

Chapter 4

I blinked into the piercing white light of the morning, my temples throbbing. My mouth felt as though it had been stuffed with cotton and every drop of saliva had been dried up. I closed my eyes to soothe the throbbing that the light brought, but I suddenly became acutely aware of my surroundings.

The comforter and sheets did not feel like mine and the light was shining through a floor-to-ceiling window, which did not exist in the house I was renting. I felt at once the warmth of a body pressed against my back, then the weight of an arm draped across my waist. I felt small breaths flickering against the soft hairs on the nape of my neck. The pounding in my temples spread to my entire body, out to my fingers and toes.

I sat up quickly, the effort and movement making me suddenly nauseous. I realized that I was naked.

Nathan stirred beside me, scrunching his face and shielding his own face with this hand from the treacherous sunlight. I saw for the first time, or at least the first time in my memory at the moment, his muscular chest and biceps. He had a full sleeve tattoo that ran down to his wrist and up to a point just above his collarbone. It had been the wings of a raven that I had seen peeking out from under his shirt collar the night before.

We were in a massive bed made up with a white duvet and white sheets, adorned generously with pillows, in an apartment bedroom made up of glass walls on two sides, which created the blinding entrance of light. Out the window/walls laid the entire landscape of downtown Tucson, complete with the bridge in the background. The floors were a dark wood and the room had very minimalist décor—a dark wooden nightstand that matched the floor, the door to what appeared to be a large walk-in closet through which I could see rows of suits jackets and shirts, and the door that lead to a hallway through which, presumably, was the rest of the apartment. Nathan’s arm still rested heavy over my lap, his forearm resting on my bare upper thighs.

I suddenly felt panic and became unreasonable enraged. I threw his arm off my lap and scrambled to get out of the bed, looking on the floor for my discarded clothes.

“What the f**k, Nathan?” My voice was raspy from the night before, “What happened? Did you drug me? Jesus Christ.”

I found my underwear on the floor off the foot of the bed and struggled to pull the thong back on.

“May, calm down,” he groaned, sitting up in the bed. His abs contracted as he sat up, revealing their shape. His hair fell into his eyes and he didn’t attempt to swipe it away. “I didn’t drug you. Don’t you remember the night? We both got pretty drunk.”

“Clearly! I have a dog at home, and I don’t even know what time it is. He has been alone all night!” He started laughing, which sent my blood tearing hot through my veins.

“Do you think this is a f*****g joke?”

“Not at all, but I think there is something that can make you feel better, though. Bo, come here, buddy!”

I heard the loud padding of familiar paws on the floor, and Bo’s big head emerged from the hallway. He yawned and gave his big head a shake before licking my thigh.

My anger slowly subsided and I could feel my blood pressure start to drop. I leaned down to pet his ears, nearly crying from relief.

“Do you really not remember anything from last night?” Nathan rubbed the side of his head. “I am surprised, I didn’t even think you were that drunk. You must hide it well.”

“I remember saying I was not going to sleep with you! What happened to that?” I stood in front of him in my black panties, my arms crossed in front of my chest. The sheets that covered him hung dangerously low over his waist and I had to force myself to keep my eyes on his face.

“You should ask yourself that, May! I couldn’t keep you off of me!”

“That has to be a lie,” I retorted, but I could feel the gentle throbbing between my thighs that signaled a night I had enjoyed. I started wracking my pulsing brain for memories of the night before, which started to return in shreds.

“I’m not lying to you. Do you remember going to Balloons? And then we went to that other bar, the cowboy-themed bar? You rode the mechanical bull and won a little pink cowgirl hat?” The vague memories began to come back as he reminded me. I continued to stand stubbornly at the foot of the bed, goosebumps crawling up my back.

“What else happened?”

“Come back to bed and I will tell you everything,” he gave me his half smile and fell back on the pillows. He lifted the sheets next to him just enough for me to see the space beside him and a sliver of his bare thigh.

I smirked at him and begrudgingly crawled into the bed. My body was immediately relieved to not be standing anymore and my head felt cooler on the pillow next to him.

“How did we end up here? And with Bo?”

He smiled. “Well, when I realized that we were both toasted, I ordered a car to drop you off at your place. My plan, as the gentleman I am, was to drop you off at yours and take the car back to mine. I will admit, I did put my number in your phone, though.”

“And I wanted you to come in and meet Bo,” I said, as the memory of the night started to seep back into my mind.

“Right. And I reminded you what you had said about not sleeping together on the first night. I didn’t want to take advantage of you or anything because you had drank quite a lot at that point. I told you that under no circumstances was I staying at your house, and I had the driver wait while I came in to meet Bo, after you insisted.” He laid facing me, his head propped up on one hand. I mirrored his stance, the sheets wrapped tightly around my chest, so nothing was exposed.

“So, I told you I was coming with you, and I was going to bring Bo,” I laughed at my boldness. I remembered needing him, watching him lean down and rub Bo’s head. I had wanted more than anything to pull him into my bed, to kiss him fully on the mouth, to feel his tongue against mine.

I suddenly felt a pang of regret—I couldn’t remember our first kiss. Did we even have a first kiss before we were on his bed, tearing each other’s clothes off? Had I been so drunk that I tossed away what could have been a tender moment?

Don’t be stupid, I hissed at myself, Why would it be a tender moment if you are not going to ever see him again?

I looked at Nathan—he seemed to be tracking my thoughts. The hand not holding his head laid in the limbo of the white sheets between us, wanting to reach out, but hesitating.

“I am sorry that I let it happen the way it did,” he had genuine regret in his voice, “I should have stopped it.”

“I don’t think I was going to take no for an answer,” I folded my fingers over his hand as a gesture of solidarity, “I guess that I am just sorry that I left nothing up to the imagination. I hope you know that I am not normally a one-night-stand type of girl.”

He threaded his fingers through mine and pulled my arm towards him, over his back, and enveloped me in his muscular arms, pulling me close so that our chests pressed against each other. I felt his hardness against my thigh, brushing in between my legs. It felt enormous. I felt my n*****s get hard against his chest.

“You told me that last night, too,” he brought his face close to mine, the tips of our noses almost imperceptibly grazing against each other. “You told me a lot of things last night.”

I pulled my face away from his, separating our chests and looking at him incredulously. My heart skipped and I began once again shuffling through what I remembered of the night to remember what I could have revealed to him.

“What type of things? What did I tell you?”

He laughed and reached his hand up to lightly brush my cheek with his thumb.

“What are you so worried about? Do you have some really embarrassing secrets or something?” His hand felt so nice against my cheek, and the gentleness of his touch brought a warmness between my legs, but I pushed his hand away so that I could focus.

“No, I just want to know what I said.”

“Well, you told me about traveling, about how you are scared to be stuck in one place for too long,” he began, his eyes drifting to the ceiling as he recollected the night, “You told me about Alex, and about how those years of trauma still affect you today.”

My breath caught in my throat. I had poured my heart out about a past abusive relationship to an absolute stranger before sleeping with him on the first night. Nathan had a tenderness in his voice, even in his remembrance, though, that reminded me of why I felt safe enough to talk to him. I put my head on the pillow next to his and closed my eyes, waiting for him to continue.

“You told me about your parents and about your siblings. You told me a little about the place that you grew up, and about one of your favorite horses you had as a little girl,” I could hear the smile in his voice even though my eyes were closed. I felt tears welling up behind my eyelids—I hadn’t talked about any of this in years.

“You told me that you were scared, that you didn’t want to hurt anyone. You made it very clear that you were not looking to fall in love, and that you are not going to stay here,” he paused for a moment, “And you told me about Ryan.”

“Jesus,” I opened my eyes, unable to stop a few tears from rolling down my cheeks, “That is all really embarrassing, I am sorry I dumped that all on you and then forced you to have s*x with me. You must think I am insane.”

I felt the tears building up again and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to force them away. I felt his hands on the back of my head, pulling me into his chest. I succumbed and pressed my face against his chest, breathing in the smell of him, a faint hint of Old Spice mixed with a little sweat and a whiff of the bars we had been at. I could smell myself on him, too, and thought of how peacefully I had slept pressed against him.

“May, I absolutely do not think you are insane,” he pressed his chin against the back of my head, encompassing me with his mass, protecting me. “I was honestly pretty relieved by that conversation, because I feel the same way.”

I pulled back just enough to look at his face.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, kind of. I told you my story, too—my dad is a finance mogul who wants me to take over the family business, but he has been pressing me to settle down and get married and start having kids. I just know I’m not ready for that, though. It’s not that I want to sleep around or anything, I had plenty of that in college, but I want to travel and see the world before I am chained down to real responsibilities like that, I guess.”

I began to remember the conversation, the connection between his father and that man Vainer on some business ventures, I had gathered that his father had amassed a large amount of wealth, although he never disclosed any numbers. He had a sister, who had married a Parisian and moved to France last year, and his father, now in his early sixties, was beginning to panic about his legacy at the expense of Nathan’s freedom.

“You said that, understanding these conditions, we could maybe keep seeing each other until your contract here is over,” he said slowly, as if he was worried that I would retract my statement. His big, blue eyes shone with hope and a slight fear of being rejected, and in that moment, I couldn’t imagine saying no to him for anything in the world.

“I think I would like that,” I said, “just to keep each other company until we part ways.”

“Exactly,” he smiled.

“But Nathan, can you tell me one thing?”

“If I remember, I will do my best.”

“Who kissed who first?”

He paused, his eyes ablaze with delight and something akin to hunger. He moved his hand away to lay his head on the pillow next to me, our faces inches away.

“Honestly, May, I don’t remember. But how about we call this one our first?”

He grabbed my face between both of his hands, his fingers reaching through my hair and around the back of my head. He pressed his lips to mine and kissed me deeply, exhaling into my mouth. My heart leapt and pounded in my throat. I kissed him back, hard, reaching my own fingers through his hair and pulling him closer to me.

I sensed his hunger, and I could feel his arms flex, as if he were restraining himself. He slipped his tongue into my mouth, exploring the ridges of my teeth slowly, as if he were satisfying himself with the taste of my saliva. I ran my fingers over the nape of his neck and to his warm, muscular back. My movement seemed to charge his desire and he slipped his hand under me and pulled me onto my back, my head resting on the pillow, and positioned himself on top of me in one fluid movement.