Ch. 15 - The Perplexity Column as Done by the Jaded Journalist
696 Words
INSTANTANEOUS ANSWERS TO ALL QUESTIONS
(All questions written out legibly with the name and
address of the sender and accompanied by one dollar,
answered immediately and without charge.)
Harvard Student asks:
Can you tell me the date at which, or on which, Oliver
Cromwell's father died?
Answer: No, I can't.
Student of Mathematics asks:
Will you kindly settle a matter involving a wager between
myself and a friend? A. bet B. that a pedestrian in
walking downhill over a given space and alternately
stepping with either foot, covers more ground than a man
coasting over the same road on a bicycle. Which of us
wins?
Answer: I don't understand the question, and I don't know
which of you is A.
Chess-player asks:
Is the Knight's gambit recognized now as a permissible
opening in chess?
Answer: I don't play chess.
Reuben Boob asks:
For some time past I have been calling upon a young lady
friend at her house evenings and going out with her to
friends' nights. I should like to know if it would be
all right to ask to take her alone with me to the theatre?
Answer: Certainly not. This column is very strict about
these things. Not alone. Not for a moment. It is better
taste to bring your father with you.
Auction asks:
In playing bridge please tell me whether the third or
the second player ought to discard from weakness on a
long suit when trumps have been twice round and the lead
is with dummy.
Answer: Certainly.
Lady of Society asks:
Can you tell me whether the widow of a marquis is entitled
to go in to dinner before the eldest daughter of an earl?
Answer: Ha! ha! This is a thing we know--something that
we _do_ know. You put your foot in it when you asked us
that. We have _lived_ this sort of thing too long ever
to make any error. The widow of a marquis, whom you should
by rights call a marchioness dowager (but we overlook
it--you meant no harm) is entitled (in any hotel that we
know or frequent) to go in to dinner whenever, and as
often, as she likes. On a dining-car the rule is the
other way.
Vassar Girl asks:
What is the date of the birth of Caracalla?
Answer: I couldn't say.
Lexicographer asks:
Can you tell me the proper way to spell "dog"?
Answer: Certainly. "Dog" should be spelt, properly and
precisely, "dog." When it is used in the sense to mean
not "_a_ dog" or "_one_ dog" but two or more dogs--in
other words what we grammarians are accustomed to call
the plural--it is proper to add to it the diphthong, _s_,
pronounced with a hiss like _z_ in soup.
But for all these questions of spelling your best plan
is to buy a copy of Our Standard Dictionary, published
in ten volumes, by this newspaper, at forty dollars.
Ignoramus asks:
Can you tell me how to spell "cat"?
Answer: Didn't you hear what we just said about how to
spell "dog"? Buy the Dictionary.
Careworn Mother asks:
I am most anxious to find out the relation of the earth's
diameter to its circumference. Can you, or any of your
readers, assist me in it?
Answer: The earth's circumference is estimated to be
three decimal one four one five nine of its diameter, a
fixed relation indicated by the Greek letter _pi_. If
you like we will tell you what _pi_ is. Shall we?
"Brink of Suicide" writes:
Can you, will you, tell me what is the Sanjak of
Novi Bazar?
Answer. The Sanjak of Novi Bazar is bounded on the north
by its northern frontier, cold and cheerless, and covered
during the winter with deep snow. The east of the Sanjak
occupies a more easterly position. Here the sun rises--at
first slowly, but gathering speed as it goes. After having
traversed the entire width of the whole Sanjak, the
magnificent orb, slowly and regretfully, sinks into the
west. On the south, where the soil is more fertile and
where the land begins to be worth occupying, the Sanjak
is, or will be, bounded by the British Empire.
- Writer
