Book2: A Night Darker

Chapter 12

Chapter 12

         KUMAKABOG ang dibdib ni Sophia habang palapit siya sa pintuan ng kwarto ni Clarence. She's afraid that he might have heard everything that happened between her and Nickolas.

Nakaramdam siya ng kurot sa dibdib ng maalala ang lalaki at lahat ng masasakit na salitang binitiwan nito kanina lamang.

The pain still feels raw, pero kailangan niya muna iyong kalimutan sa ngayon dahil may isa pa siyang problema na dapat harapin.

Nang pinihit niya ang seradura ng pintuan ng kwarto ni Clarence, she could somehow detect his murmur behind the door.

"B-bae? Istatyu? " His voice doesn't seem to be slurred, rather, it's rough and almost dry.

"I-it's me." She declared as she gently widen the doors opening. She coughed purposely to eliminate the tremble which seems to finds its way down her throat. "Are you okay?" She asked with a genuine care.

Matagal bago ito sumagot. Nakatitig lang ito sa mukha niya na tila ba pinag-aaralan kung bakit ganon ang itsura niya. She wasn't use to his scrutinizing stare that it makes her pulse quicken and her worries to highten in a far worse level.

Nagsisisi tuloy siya kung bakit ni hindi niya man lang naisipang maghilamos muna bago humarap kay Clarence. But maybe, she's that preoccupied and worried to even think so. Yes, her swirling emotions doesn't give her brain enough time to process, even straighten a little. She just wish that the dimlight within the room was enough to somehow conceal her puffy eyes, and who knows what else.

But Clarence expression upon looking her face says otherwise.

Gusto niyang yumuko at itago, hindi lang ang kaniyang mukha, kundi pati na rin ang kahihiyang nararamdaman. Kung pwede lang sana. But she's afraid that it might just lead her to Clarence another suspicion, which is no suspicion at all.

Lalo na sa itsura nito ngayon. He doesn't look so drunk, as he was hours before.

"Yes. I feel better, just thirsty. It feels like my throat was burned, it feels raspy. " He winced right after he tried to relieved his throat from something.

Mabilis siyang lumapit sa bedside table nito at sinalinan ito ng tubig mula sa pitsel na inihanda niya na agad sa tabi nito kasama ng ilang tableta ng aspirin. Alam niyang sasakit ang ulo nito bukas dahil sa hangover.

"Thanks." He cautiously muttered, as he reached for the glass of water. Maybe avoiding too much friction in his throat. "Aaah ..." He sound so relieved after greedily gulping down the glass content.

Ngumiti ito sa ng iabot nito sa kaniya ang baso na ngayo'y wala ng laman.  She smiled at him too, feeling somehow relieved.

"Bae? " Untag nito sa kaniya.  Medyo maayos na rin ang boses nito kumpara kanina.

"Hmm? " Sagot niya dito,  habang inaayos ang mga nakalagay sa bedside table nito.

"What happened downstairs? " She stiffened.  Her body froze. "I think I heard somebody fighting. "

Matagal bago niya nahanap ang boses niya. 

"H-huh?  ..A-aah... " No matter what she do,  she can't manage to straighten her thoughts.  It was all tangled that she cannot form any coherent sentence.

Nakatitig si Clarence sa kaniya. More specifically at her dried tears, na nasisiguro niyang mas nakikita na nito ngayon dahil sa lampshade na nasa tabi niya na lamang ngayon.

Hindi siya makapagbaba ng tingin, at alam niyang kahit anong pilit niyang itago,  her eyes already gave away that guilty expression she had dreaded.

His eyes narrowed.

"B-bae... " She want to start explaining,  but she doesn't know in which to start,  if there's even a start. She badly want to explain,  but she doesn't know how to,  or what reasons to give, because truthfully,  alam niyang walang ano mang rason ang makakapagpaliwanag sa nagawa niya. 

How she just hope that God could forgive her for all this wrong doings.

"B-bae... " Bahagyang nanginig ang boses niya ng muli niyang tawagin ang pangalan nito.

"D-did you...? " Nanlalaki ang mga mata nito, and she panicked. "You didn't right?! " Tila nawala ang kalasingan nito dahil sa intensidad ng boses nito.

"I... I'm... " she almost choke,  when she started sobbing.

"You didn't watch that drama again,  right?! "

"I'm so sorry!  Bae, I didn't mean it,  I'm so sorry,  please I was... I--wait...  Huh?! " She was rambling things, kaya huli na ng ma-realize niya ang sinabi nito.

She looked at his eyes,  and she was confused upon seeing the warmth.

"Bae? " Naguguluhan niyang tawag dito.

Naiiling ito.  "Bae,  I told you not to watch that drama again.  You know that you become too emotional when the scene intensifies.  Goodness! You almost even gave me a heart attack before when you just went to me with bawling eyes after you watched it." Marahan siya nitong hinila para yakapin. "I hate seeing you cry. I hate it the very moment you came to me brimming with tears. "

Unti-unti ng luminaw sa kaniya ang lahat.  He thought she was just watching that same episode of Monica and Adrian's confrontation!  He thought that was the reason why she's crying!

She he lips tug upward,  forming a smile when she remembered that moment.  When Clarence went all panicked asking what was wrong.  He was almost going crazy,  pulling his hair while continously asking if something hurts or does she need a napkin. 

The latter came just out of the blue from him, and it was quiet embarassing and cute at the same time.

She snort to stifle a laugh as she reminisce back to those times.  When everything seems to be so light and simple.  Nong kilala niya pa kung sino talaga siya,  nong kay Clarence at sa kambal lang umiikot ang mundi niya ... Noong wala pang Nickolas.

She sighed.  Trying to refocus her imagination to Clarence reddened face ng tuluyan niya ng ipinagtapat dito ang rason ng pag-iyak niya.

"Si Monica at Adrian kasi hiwalay na! " Ngawa niya na mas lalong ikinapula ng mukha ni Clarence.

She was so engrossed with her imagination na hindi niya napansin na ilang minuto silang natahimik. Her heartbeat getting back to its normal rate.

They're simply hugging each other. Until Clarence broke the silence with an odd seriousness.

"Bae, aren't you gonna ask why I was awake? " Bumukas ang bibig niya para magsalita ngunit hindi na siya nabigyan ng pagkakataon ng muling magsalita si Clarence.  "I had a dream--no, it's a nightmare.  A nightmare that keeps on taunting me all these years. "

"Would you tell me if I ask? "

Ngumiti ito sa kaniya,  though hindi iyon sa mga mata nito.

"I might, pero kahit naman sabihin ko sayo,  ay hindi mo parin maiintindihan.  Not until you'll know me and my story. "

She slightly confused when he used the word 'know' instead of using the word 'remember' which is more appropriate.  Given that she might have just forgotten that part of him due to her current condition, to her amnesia to be exact.

"Do you want to know it bae?  Are you ready to hear my story? "

She nodded.

Clarence's

     It's not happening again. Bakit ba kailangang paulit-ulit niyang nakikita ang mga eksenang to?  Can anyone please stop this?  He had enough. It already caused him a lot. Tama na,    Ayaw na niya.

He could see his 5 year old self from  afar,  on that same exact place he once called home.  Sa di kalayuan ay nakikita niya ang mommy at daddy niya.  They're fighting, again.

"It was all your fault kung bakit tayo nagkakaganito! Kung sana hindi mo ginawa yung ginawa mo,  we shouldn't have been this messed up!  But you did,  so look how we are now?! "

Alam na alam na niya kung ano ang mga susunod na mangyayari,  and he knew exactly how it hurts,  even in his 5 year old mind. Gusto niyang itigil,  pero katulad ng mga nauna,  wala siyang magagawa kundi hintaying matapos ang lahat.

"Hanggang kelan mo ba ipamumukha sakin yan?!  Kailangan mo pa bang ulit-ulitin? I thought we were past that already?! Ano pa bang gusto mong gawin ko ha?  Patayin ko yung bata?! Yun ba?! "

"Wala akong sinabing ganon,  ang akin lang, I'm barely holding.  Sa tuwing nakikita ko yang batang yan,  all I want is to lash out on him,  pero alam kong mali kaya nagpipigil ako! Pero konti na lang eh, konting-konti na lang!  Everytime I see him, I could see you being---UGGH!  Ayoko lang dumating yung araw na dahil sa kaniya ay masisira ang pamilya natin."

Then,  he saw his daddy walked away.  Naiwang umiiyak ang mommy niya.  He hate seeing her cry. He doesn't want her to cry.

"Mommy? " tawag niya dito. Nang tumingin ito sa kaniya, namumula ang mga mata nito sa kaiiyak.  Ayaw niyang nasasaktan ang mommy niya. "Mommy bakit ka iyak? " nasanay na siya na walang emosyon ang mga mata nito sa tuwing tumitingin sa kaniya,  pero ngayon,  her eyes are soft,  almost pleading. His young heart assumed.  Na baka, baka sa wakas lalambingin narin siya ng mommy niya katulad ng paglalambing nito sa kapatid niyang si Danica.

He always wondered how it would feel.

Will she let him sleep on her lap like Danica always do?

He assumed and dreamed too high, kaya hindi niya napaghandaan ang sumunod nitong sinabi.

"Bakit kasi nabuhay ka pa? "

Then he was brought to another place,  sa kusina.  Kumakain siya habang ang mga kasambahay ay may kaniya-kaniyang ginagawa.

Wala ang mommy at daddy niya.  Ang alam niya ay namasyal ang mga ito kasama si Danica.

Biglang pumasok ang driver ng mommy at daddy niya sa kusina,  pawis na pawis ito at walang ano anong kinuha ang juice niya sa lamesa.  Bumuka ang bibig niya para pigilan ito,  pero pinitik nito ang noo niya. 

"Ano? Aangal ka? " nakangisi ito sa kaniya, habang siya naman ay hawak ang noo niyang pinitik nito.  Masakit,  sobrang sakit. 

Bakit niya ginawa yun?  Mabait naman ito sa kaniya noon ah?

Nagsimulang manubig ang mga mata niya, pati ang labi niya'y nanginginig dahil pinipigilan niyang umiyak.

"Ano?! " Singhal nito sa kaniya. Umiling na lang siya dahil takot siyang mapitik na naman. "Yun naman pala eh." Muli itong ngumisi bago sinaid ang laman ng baso.

"Hoy Andoy,  ano bang ginagawa mo? Gusto mo bang masesante tayo ni mam at sir? " Narinig niyang sita ng isa nilang kasambahay.

"Ha!  Tayo sesesantihin para sa batang yan?  Eh anak lang naman sa labas yan eh!  Ni wala ngang pakialam diyan yung mga magulang niya sa kaniya!  Tsaka hindi nila tayo pagagalitan kung hindi naman nila malalaman. Diba?  " Nagtaas baba ang kilay nito na tila may gustong iparating.

Sandaling nag-isip ang babae, bago ito ngumisi.  "Sabagay,  bawas trabaho din." Ngumisi na rin ito dahilan para mag-iba ang kaniyang pakiramdam.  "Hoy ikaw! " duro niya sa kaniya.  "Ikaw magligpit ng pinagkainan mo ha?! Isabay mo narin yung mga pinaglutuan ko niyang ulam mo! Wag na wag kang magkakamaling magsumbong,  hindi karin naman papansinin. Naiintindihan mo? "

Tumango na lamang siya. Hindi siya makapaniwalang ang taong dati ay mahilig siyang ngitian ay sinisigawan siya ngayon.  Pakitang tao lang ba ang lahat?

Muling nagbago ang eksena at bumalik sa kung nasaaang mommy niya. Umiiyak pa rin ito.  Gusto niya itong lapitan at aluin,  pero natatakot siyang baka pagalitan na naman nito.

"Lahat nagulo simula ng dumating ka.  Bakit ba nabuhay ka pa?! "

Sa bata niyang isip,  hindi niya alam kung paano papangalanan ang emosyong dumaan sa kaniyang dibdib.  Mas matindi iyon sa emosyong sumusundot sa kanya sa tuwing nakikita niya ang mommy niyang inihehele si Danica sa pagtulog. Mas matindi kaysa sa tuwing sinasaktan siya ng daddy niya, at nakatingin lamang ang mommy niya na para bang hindi siya kilala,  at ni walang awa sa mga mata. Yet despite that bitter truth,  he'll still be grateful for those beatings,  because those are the only times,  she'd look at him.

He's willing to endure those beatings,  his young body willing to take every slaps and spanks,  if it equits her mother's attention.

They knew he exists,  but they act like he doesn't. They'll stare past through him, na para bang ang sakit niya sa mata.  They treat him like an eyesore, and make him feel unwanted,  nothing more than a total outcast.

They fed him,  dressed him,  but that's all they could offer.  The rest was hollow.

When he was barely seven, they transferred,  him in Bataan. 'Transferred' as just the subtle way of saying that they've thrown him out of their perfect and unblemished family picture.

Sabi nila kailangan na niyang mag-aral at matutong mamuhay ng mag-isa.  He was just a child,  yet they're asking him to learn how to be independent.  Perfect excuse.  Pero imbes na magalit, wala siyang ibang ginawa kundi sumunod.  He was more than willing to do anything his parents ask if it would mean that they would be pleased.

He felt more alone.  Wala siyang ibang kasama kundi ang nag-iisang kasambahay doon. Everyday he would wait for his parents to visit,  but no one came. 

For all his elementary years, nagpapadala ang mga ito ng allowance niya at groceries, hanggang sa dumalang at unti-unting nawala.

He waited for them on his graduation day,  gusto Niy kasing ipagmalaki na valedictorian siya,  but still,  no one came.  Only his yaya was their.  

Pumunta siya sa bahay nila, pero hindi siya pinapasok. Nasa bakasyon daw kasi ang ang buong pamilya.

He cried on that supposed to be special day for him.  Doon niya tunay na naintindihan ang lahat,  and how he wish he doesn't. 

He went back and lived his life.  He was just grateful na hindi siya iniwan ng yaya niya.  She was still their,  she stayed as his refuge kahit na alam niyang wala na itong tinatanggap na sahod sa mga magulang niya.  She served as her family,  hindi siya nito iniwan at patuloy na inalagaan. Tinulungan siya nitong makapag patuloy sa pag-aaral.

Sa murang edad ay natutunan niyang magtrabaho,  nagsikap siyang mag-aral.  Pati sideline sa school ginawa niya na.  Nasanay siyang maghirap.  He stood on his own dahil gusto niyang patunayan sa mga magulang niyang,  he's worth the attention.

He did everything, even break the heart of the very first person that he loved.

"That's how pathetic I was bae. " He was head bent as he relive his painful moment and tell his story. Naramdaman niya ang malambot na kamay ni Sophia sa kaniyang mga balikat ngunit nanatili siyang nakayuko, ayaw niyang makita ang mga mata nito. He was afraid to find pain and pity tainting his Sophia's doll eyes.  No, ayaw niyang nasasaktan si Sophia.  She's everything for him now,  and he doesn't want her to taste even a pinch of pain,  knowing first hand how torturous it feels.

Why did he told her though?  He has this great urge to tell her his life. To tell her everything and make her a part of him. He doesn't want her to be kept in the dark the way he was when he was a child. But he doesn't want her to get hurt on his behalf, to feel pain about something which already passed.

HINDI mawari ni Sophia,  kung ano ba ang dapat na maging reaksyon niya sa ipinagtapat ni Clarence.  She just felt so numb from all her previous emotions that it makes her question her emotional stability.  Is she still sane or it already slipped her brain while she took the stairs?

Ipinilig niya ang ulo at ikinurap kurap ang mga mata,  trying to regain her brain.

"That's how pathetic I was bae. " Nabasa niya ang lungkot sa boses ni Clarence habang nagkukwento, and he truly weep for him. Sa batang Clarence na kailangang danasin lahat ng iyon,  just to gain the attention na dapat ay kusang binigay dito at hindi na dapat nito hinihingi! He doesn't have to feel that pain!  Wala siyang kasalanan,  he was just a child!  Hindi dapat ipinapasa sa kaniya ang sisi para sa kasalanang hindi niya naman ginawa!  He was the victim, but he was treated like the criminal,  blamed for something his young mind doesn't even know.

"When I was 17, I was rushed to the hospital dahil nanlaban ako sa isang holdaper ng tinangka niyang kunin yung perang pinaghirapan ko ng ilang buwan.  The doctor said that I should just have given the money,  eh di sana hindi na daw ako nabugbog at nasaksak. But I can't,  kasi inipon ko yun para makapag enroll sa college.  Pinaghirapan ko yun para sa pangarap ko,  kaya kahit bugbugin nila ko ng paulit-ulit,  I wouldn't have given  it." Patuloy nito. Nasasaktan siya para dito.  She never thought that behind his brigh smiles theirs pain.  That beneath his cheers are sorrows covered.

"B-bae... " Her voice croaked. Tiningnan siya nito na may ekspresyon sa mga mata na tila sinasabing,  'wag kang umiyak para sa akin',  but she can't help it.  She feels terrible.  

Hindi niya kayang tanggapin na yung lalaking pinahahalagahan niya ay sinaktan ng iba. That one particular person who made her feel special and treasured, was once been neglected and treated like a garbage. She can't accept it. "I-i'm s...s-sorry. " She's sorry for everything.  For him, and for her being such a whoring b***h.

Naramdaman niya ang kamay nito sa kaniyang mukha.  His thumb brushing her tear away. "Don't. " Ngumiti ito.  "It's all in the past now bae.  It wasn't your fault.  It's no one's fault. "

Nagulat siya sa sinabi nito.   Pinagdaanan niya lahat ng sakit na yun because of those people na walang ibang inisip kung hindi ang mga sarili nila.  Mga taong lahat ng mali ay sinisisi sa iba,  just so they would look perfect.  Those hypocrites. "No!  It has to be someones fault! You shouldn't have been alone! You shouldn't have suffered! You doesn't deserve it!  No one does!  Kasalanan nila yun bae! " Bumangon ang galit sa kaniyang dibdib para sa mga taong itinuring niya ng ama't ina.  How could they?  How could they maltreated their son then act now like they've done nothing wrong?! As if they've never been cruel?!

Umikot ang kaniyang paningin sa bawat madilim na sulok ng silid nito.

He must have wept in this same room, cried for his parents attention.  But they weren't here because they were somewhere else playing the role of a perfect family.  Bullshit.

"Sophia,  sophia look at me! " Naramdaman niyang inaalog siya ni Clarence.

"W-what? "

"You were shaking! What happened? You were silent,  then just like that you started shaking. " Nasa mukha nito ang pag-aalala.  Napatitig siya sa mukha nito,  her nerves calmed.  How could he be like that?  Bakit kailangang parati itong nag aalala para sa iba? 

"I was angry." sagot niya habang patuloy na nakatitig sa mukha nito.  "I was angry for you. " Because you can't. Gusto niya sanang idugtong.  His eyes softened.  Naramdaman niya ang pagdiin ng mga kamay nito sa kaniyang balikat,  like he was trying to suppress an emotion.

"You don't have to bae.  I've forgiven them."

"How could you just say that huh?  You were just a child! You must have been traumatized! " Muli itong ngumiti sa kaniya and its infuriating her na para bang wala lang dito lahat ng nangyari! 

Sa kabila ng nararamdaman, hindi niya ito pinigilan ng hilahin siya nito at niyakap patalikod.  His chin resting on her shoulders.  She held his hands on her waist. 

"Why so emotional bae?  Baka isipin kong buntis ka? " He tried to crack a joke,  pero ni hindi siya natawa. 

Nanatili sila sa ganoong posisyon ng ilang segundo,  bago ito muling nagsalita. "Bae? "

"Hmm? " Sagot niya.  Her attention on their entwined hands.

"I have to. "

"Huh? " Naguluhan siya sa sinabi nito.

"I have to forgive them.  It was all in the past bae.  No one's perfect.  Lahat ng tao nagkakamali, at ayoko ng dagdagan ang pagkakamali ko by keeping a grudge to my family. They said sorry,  that's enough for me. "

"Just like that? " Hindi siya makapaniwala sa sinabi nito.  How could he forgive so easily? "Like a single sorry could patch all the things they've caused you?"

"Yes bae,  just like that. " He stroked her hair.  "I've always yearned their attention,  them calling me their own. Kaya nong unang beses nila akong tinawag na 'anak',  I was so happy bae.  I was so happy,  that everthing in my past became nothing but a blur.   Why prolong my agony? I was so overwhelmed by the mere thought na sa wakas,  pwede ko ng yakapin ang mommy ko." His hands were fiddling hers as his nose rub against her shoulder.  "I have to forgive bae.  So I could have them.  Nakakapagod magalit. It's like a personal torture I want myself to be freed from.  "Do you understand me now bae? I just want to be happy. I'm tired of being alone. "

Hinarap niya ito at niyakap.  Naiintindihan niya ito. He just had enough.

Hinalikan siya nito sa noo.  "Thank you bae,  thank you for everything. " Kinabig siya nito palapit. Humilig siya sa dibdib nito at nagsumiksik pang lalo. She felt him kissed the top of her head.  Nagsimula na siyang antukin ng galaw galawin nito ang buhok niya.

She was barely holding. Those intense emotional turmoil manage to dry her brain and drain her energy.  She's really tired.  Bukas niya na lang siguro iisipin lahat ng problema niya. For now,  she needs a pillow.

"Sleep now Sophia." Clarence murmured as he gently stroke her hair. 

"I'll sleep here. " She mumbled before she drag him along with her on the bed. 

Hindi siya aalis.  Hinding-hindi niya ito iiwan.  That's the last thought that she had before her consciousness fade into the air.

------

Gee❤️