The Neallys

Suze: Two Seconds

Suze: Two SecondsBitch.

I’d bared my soul to this woman. I had never told anyone, not even my Aunt, not even Annie, that I was gay. I did not know whether I would ever tell anyone else except maybe someone else I fell for in some sleazy lesbian dive. I needed to come out to her and it revolted her. I revolted her. Not only would I not learn whether she had any feelings for me, I found that her only feeling when I exposed myself to her was repulsion.

I ignored her calls and did not respond to her texts. Kerry hadn’t told my Aunt because when Aunt Mary called she did not say anything about it and I got away with telling her that I was too busy preparing for the Spring Term to focus on anything else. That was not true. I wouldn’t have to think about school until late January when classes resumed.

I did speak to Annie. She sensed that something was off but did not push it. Even when she came back from Mill Valley she knew enough to give me space, although she did drag me out to a few get-togethers with her friends. At that point, I did not think I had any friends of my own.

Given the drop-off in my course-load after the first term, I started running more in the Park; it was all of 100 yards from my front door. Even when it snowed heavily, the Park Drive was cleared within a day, and in January I did at least one six-mile loop each morning at about nine and longer ones on the weekends.

I’d never been a big f*******: user but I deleted my account, doubting that any of my “f*******: friends” would notice. I did not have a lot of non-f*******: friends so save for Annie I was lonely. She knew that I was cratering and tried to get me to go out with her on weekends, but I always bowed out, pleading school work. I never mentioned Kerry.

No matter what I was doing, I was thinking of Kerry. I knew she wanted to apologize and I knew I would have to deal with her when classes began, but I was gutted. I wouldn’t listen. f*****g child. I was just a f*****g, spoiled child.