It has always been you

What now?

I honestly don't get what his obsession with Zander is, after all this time. I've been with plenty of men since, and while there's times he's been jealous, he's never been as obsessed as he still is with Zander.

I rest my head on his shoulder and he wraps his large muscular arms tightly around me, resting his head in the curve of my neck.

"you're really going aren't you?" he asks.

I nod.

he throws himself backwards on my bed, pulling me with him, and we make a loud THUMP as the bed shifts under our weight, and I fall on top of his chest. I'm still in his arms, and I bury my face in hid chest, trying to take everything in. I close my eyes, using the mindfulness techniques I learnt in a wellness class, I block out the world, focusing only on the feel of Deans chest rising and falling, and the sound of hid breath. It soothes me like a lullaby. 

In that moment I begin to wonder if my decision to leave was purely fuelled by anger. Was it just that I was hurt by his rejection? Its only been 24 hours. things could calm down. We've made love, we've talked, we could be good together right? Everyone always thought we'd end up together. Hell, half the town believes in some fantasy story that we are together, we've just hid our relationship from the public domain and we haven't married because my stubbornness and pride value my independence more that anything. Is that true? Surely not. I mean, I have always valued myself as a strong independent woman, never let a man speak for me, nor charge my choices. I've always put my career and myself before anyone or anything, but is that really such a bad thing? people wouldn't bat an eye lid at a man doing the same.

And its not that I don't want to settle down and have a family, it's that I don't want to settle. Period. I want the career, a man who can stand by my side and accept that instead of expecting me to turn my back on my pack and my position in order to serve him and take care of our children. And that's why I know, deep down, that Dean and I could never really be together. We're both too dominant, and we each need a partner slightly more submissive; someone who can keep us in check but who will equally bend to us when we need it, and we can't be that for each other.

Maybe that's why I never told Dean that I loved him? It's not that I don't. I think the only person I'm lying to when I say I don't love him is me. But I know his feelings for me are much deeper than my feelings for him. I've spent years waiting to feel the same, hoping one day we'd turn around and the "spark" that people describe when you realise you've found your mate. But it never happened. And I held onto the hope that one day we'd realised we were meant to be together all along, but it never happened. And I don't think it ever will.

Dean shifts under me, and I didn't realise I was crying until his hand reaches my face to stroke away the tears. I sit up slightly embarrassed. I hate crying infront of people. it makes me feel weak. Vulnerable. 

Dean sits up too, facing me. he grabs my thighs and pulls me closer to him. My face now inches away from his. He tilts my chin so I'm looking up at him. He's so f*****g handsome. Perfect chiseled jaw, outlined with dark stubble, his long, thick curly black hair pulled into a top knot, his large muscular tattooed arms bulging through the sleeves of his t-shirt, his light grey sweatpants leaving nothing to the imagination. 

I let out a shakey breath I didn't realise I was holding.

"Talk to me" he swoons into my ear. He plants a kiss on my forehead. "What's going on inside that pretty little mind of yours?" 

"Its just... I guess...." my words choke me as they try to escape from my mouth. Dean looks at me. Expectantly but patiently. He knows I'm not good at expressing my feelings.

"I know I should have left along time ago, deep down we both know that. But I always held onto the hope that... It was you" tears spill from my eyes again. Dean pulls me so close to him that I'm almost sat on his lap. My thighs instinctively wrap around his waist and my hands grasp at his shirt as he holds me.

"What was me?" he whispers in my ear.

"My mate" I choke out. "I always thought one day we'd realise we were meant to be together, and everything would be perfect. We'd get married, you'd be the father of my children. We were meant to be happy. That's why I could never settle with anyone. I always loved you. Even with Zander."

The tears are flowing fast now and he grabs my arms. Quite tightly. 

"What did you say?" I can hear the shock in his voice.

"I've always loved you" I repeat.

"Not that... Zander"

"Dean..." I begin.

"Please Vannah. I need this. I need to hear you say it".

 He almost sounds like he's begging. My heart is beating so fast, that I know he can hear it. I open my mouth but no sound comes out. He kisses the curve in my neck and nibbles at my earlobe.

"Please" he whispers into my ear. "Please baby".

"It was a long time ago Dean, I don't know why you keep asking..." 

he opens his mouth to protest, but I place my finger over his lips. He brings his hands to where mine rests and kisses the finger that's at his lips.

"You know we dated. Obviously. But, while Zander and I were together, you and I were becoming closer too. Zander started getting jealous and as much as I tried to tell him nothing was going on with us, he always remained paranoid. We argued a lot. About you. But things changed when he took me out for my birthday. I had the best day of my life we walked around, went to museums, went to this lovely Italian restaurant. That was the first time I... we slept together. It seemed perfect. But then he began to get more and more paranoid about you. It took me a couple of days, but that's when I realised. It was you who planned my birthday; told him where to take me, what I'd like. All these big romantic gestures... they were all you. How could I be with him after that?"