Gertrude’s Curse

Chapter 8

Gertrude

I spent most of that night dreaming about James, playing with him when we were little, swimming at the lake and then him all grown up, we were holding hands first, walking in a beach somewhere (I have never been to the beach but I’ve seen it in movies), then we were sleeping on a couch, he was holding me in his arms while sitting behind me, I felt so happy and so whole, I could smell him and feel his warm skin, and that giddy feeling in my stomach I haven’t felt in years. I woke up in tears, not because it was a bad dream or because I was dreaming of James but because I have never felt in real life the way I was feeling in that dream, that warm and wholesome feeling, the being loved and safe part none of that… and I don’t think I’ll ever feel it, is not just because of the mate thing but is even because of the family bond that I lack, all my life has always been just me and my mom and we have never been closed, she has never been warmth toward me, she is cold and distant and after my incident all I see and feel is the disdain in her eyes, like I disgust her… I disgust myself to be honest, even after all these years I still have not been able to cope with my feelings, I have avoided putting myself out there just so that I won’t experience any further issue, I have my very closed group of friends and even so I have never shared my darkest thoughts with them, I keep all the BS to myself… I keep a diary, one with my heat cycles, my dreams which are borderline weird at times and way too realistic, I avoid thinking about having a mate, I avoid thinking about guys, I avoid sexy thoughts, so all my dark or x rated thoughts go in the dairy and then I try to move on and not think about them again, I keep a routine, go to school and ignore people, go to work and do my best to learn, come home, change, exercise, shower, mediate, sleep, wake up, breakfast, diary entry and repeat… I have become amazing at suppressing my feelings during my heats, I take my pills and I’ve learned to endure the pain instead of using other methods… sometimes I like to read or watch T.V, is all sort of very sterile… at this point I could join a convent and I wouldn’t even feel much of a difference but there are no convents for werewolves, at least not that I’ve heard of…

So, once I was done feeling sorry for my stupid self… I got up and got on with my routine, Rache and Nate met me at the door, Nate drove us to school and Rache was trying to talk me into celebrating my 17th Birthday. As if… what is there to celebrate? But I told her I could safe money and go out for dinner, she obviously screamed in excitement. Mainly I gave it cause I could see the look on her face this morning, I would recognize her symptoms with my eyes closed, she looked sad but tried to make it better by wearing her hair down and more makeup than usual, as well as one of those cute outfits that make girls like her look like real live dolls, the cute purple strappy dress in A line, a cute off white open cardigan with little gold shimmer and a pair of golden flat sandals with roses on the top, her brown her has little waves, this is her “getting herself back together” look. Which means that the dinner with Will must have not gone as planned… we Park up in school, it must look interesting to the outsiders to see our little group, Nate is tall, has a well built body, I would dare say he is even a little heftier than James, it runs in his family they are all very good looking and built like Nordic Gods… he has very pale skin and light brown hair and green eyes, and dresses like one of those adds for Old brands like Hollister… Rache is also tall, same light brown hair and same green eyes but a lot slimmer, she is gorgeous, Will should consider himself lucky she even looks his way… I mean is not that he is bad looking, he is the missing prince charming in one of those Disney fairytale remakes, but that is the thing he is just to “Perfect”, long blonde curly hair, blue eyes, thin nose and pink lips, huge arms you can tell he overly works them out, and he dresses with trousers and preppy shirts and cute boating shoes, he is just too much, the picture of clean cut and I don’t think he sees Rachel as what she is but how he wants her to be, I hate it but if they do end up being mates, I will have to suck it up and keep those thoughts to myself as well… Me on the other hand, I really make an effort to not stick out… I have a collection of flowy sweaters, black leggings and joggers, combat boots, or tennis shoes or flats, I own those sports bras that are double and suppress your boobs as much as possible, I own nothing deemed sexy or cute or that shows any skin or curves but those are hard to hide… today I’m wearing my favorite oversized sweater, Rache got it for me a few birthdays ago, is black with gold little hearts over it, black leggings that are a bit loose and black ballerina flats, one messy hair bun and oversized prescription glasses, I’m the only one at school who wears them, werewolves are not supposed to have sight issues but another one of my perks, I get this very bad headaches, we assume these are part of my heat symptoms but I get them a little too q, anyway Rachel ran some test and said that something in my system seems to be weakening and that is also causing me sight issues, so glasses…

We make it inside and part ways, I go to my classes and they go to theirs, separate… I am on this special assistance classes… I didn’t need them but it was an arrangement with the Luna, I will be placed in thus program so I don’t have lessons with the rest of the kids my generation, including James of course… Anyway, I don’t complain, I like these classes… they bring less attention to me, I am with a younger group but Jason manage to convince the teacher to give me extra credits so I could graduate in my time, in exchange I help teacher Vicky with somethings after class, I grade some of the homework and assist her with visual materials for the classes,

Lana and Jason have been like a big brother and sister to me, they never left me after what happened, they get me school supplies and even clothes sometimes, I work and don’t need them but they do anyways and though I feel a little ashamed I love the feeling of them taking care of me, even if is small things if I could come back after I die I’d hope for my family to be as loving as they are… Rache said they should be back for my birthday so she is inviting them as well. As usual I spent half of my classes day dreaming and the other half daydreaming about a different life, I walk out at the end of school and found Rachel sobbing in the back of the building, Nate had practice and so did Rache but she was waiting for me, she knows I use this route when I have to walk home alone. One look at her and I know s**t must have gone down, I asked her what was wrong, apparently there is a new group that join the clases, they are also joining the pack temporarily… Apparently a neighboring back the black moon pack had a rogue attack some days before. Their high school and school got burned down so some of their students were to be joining our classes, I still didn’t understand what her deal was but apparently one of the girls is very pretty and Will was all over her during class, I told her maybe he was just being polite (didn’t even buy it myself), she said that then she heard him offering the girl and some of her friends a ride and to show them around town, apparently he also had plans with Rache but he full on ignored her and didn’t even bother to cancel… asshole… I knew something like this was coming, well I didn’t know but I had a gut feeling, I have become very good with those…