My Poems

10 Failed Staircases (So I Will Pretend)

The First Failed Staircase

The first failed staircase was Jiu Jitsu

‘The gentle art’ never seemed gentle to me

It hurt

And you said it didn’t

Or it shouldn’t

But it did

And I needed you to think I was just like you

So I pretended

The Second Failed Staircase

The second failed staircase was Tae Kwon Do

I thought it was going to be easy for me

Because we’re Korean

But it was so hard and scary

The Master yelled at me and I broke my toe

But I didn’t tell you

And I needed you to think I was brave

So I pretended

The Third Failed Staircase

The third failed staircase was trucks

They were big, strong, and powerful

“Just like Dad” I thought

When I called you “Dad” because I was dumb and thought you’d love me more if I was a boy

I didn’t think they were interesting, just cool

And I didn’t understand how they worked

But you liked them

And I needed you to think I was cool

So I pretended

The Fourth Failed Staircase

The fourth failed staircase was math

It’s hard

And it doesn’t make sense

It’s overwhelming

And I don’t like it

But you’re good at it

And I needed you to think I was smart

So I pretended

The Fifth Failed Staircase

The fifth failed staircase was USC

I definitely don’t have the temperament for that kind of school

They don’t have the programs I want

I’m not smart enough

And I’m afraid of living away from you

But you seemed to want me to go there

And I needed you to think I was capable

So I pretended

The Sixth Failed Staircase

The sixth failed staircase was football

I’m not fast enough or good at catching

I’m fat

And afraid of being raped

And I think football is stupid

But you love it

And I needed you to think I was interesting

So I pretended

The Seventh Failed Staircase

The Seventh Failed Staircase was the gym

I hate feeling sore and sweaty

I hate needing to eat extra

I hate how protein foods taste

And I was never strong enough to get your attention

But you wanted me to go

And I needed you to think I was strong

So I pretended

The Eighth Failed Staircase

The Eighth Failed Staircase was health

I don’t care about my health

Or if I’m healthy

I don’t like vegetables

Yet I’m obsessed with a need to be skinny that I quit, yet still crave

You were such a jerk when I begged for help

But you seemed proud if I lifted til my arms shook, I saw double and couldn’t move the next day

And I needed you to think I was tough

So I pretended

The Ninth Failed Staircase

The Ninth Failed Staircase was boxing

I didn’t like boxing

Jared didn’t understand why I got distracted

And the other students seemed to dislike me

There was a never-ending stream of criticism and no praise when I thought I did well

But you always compared me to everyone else

And I needed you to think I wasn’t a quitter anymore (but I was)

So I pretended

The Tenth Failed Staircase

The Tenth Failed Staircase is the military

This is the most painful

I’m afraid of dying

I don’t think I can live without you and Bisty

I don’t want to be responsible for lives

But maybe you’ll finally like me if I become

Just.

Like.

You.

And I need you to think I’m worth being proud of

So I will pretend