Am I G@y?

Just Us

I must have stared at Adrian's message for twenty minutes before I even thought about replying.

> Next time, just us?

It wasn't an involved message. Four words. Simple. Flippant.

But in my head, I was breaking down those four words in every way that it knew how. Did he mean it literally — just the two of us, hanging out as friends? Or was there something else hidden in there?

I tossed my phone onto my bed and started pacing.

"Just us," I growled at myself, as though uttering it out loud would somehow make it rational.

My heart was thundering against my ribs by the time I returned to sitting down again, as though I'd just endured a full-court press.

I picked up my phone once more, typed Sure, deleted it.

Typed Yeah, that'd be cool, deleted it.

Eventually, I just sent:

> Yeah. When?

I had regretted it immediately after I'd sent the text. Too hasty? Too brief? Too—

My phone was ringing.

> Tomorrow? After practice.

Tomorrow.

As in, inside of less than twenty-four hours.

My stomach did flips.

I stayed up for most of the night. My head was reeling — what to do? What will we do? What if he catches on that I'm acting weird?

By morning, I’d convinced myself to play it cool. Casual. Like this wasn’t the biggest deal of my entire life.

After practice the next day, my brother headed home first, saying he’d catch me later.

That left me in the locker room, changing slowly, my hands shaking just a little.

When I stepped outside, Adrian was already positioned by the fence, resting against it as if he didn't have anything better to do.

"Hey," he greeted with a grin as he saw me.

I swallowed. "Hey."

"You ready?"

I nodded, having not the slightest idea as to what I was being prepared for.

We started walking.

Neither of us said anything for a time. The sun was low in the late afternoon, and everything was gold; the air was dense, as if it was all holding its breath, like me.

"Okay," Adrian said finally, filling the silence, "I was thinking... we could go get some food. Or just stick around. Whatever you're up for."

"Food sounds terrific," I said, too quickly.

He grinned. "Nice. There's a spot not too far from here. It's quiet."

Quiet.

I wasn't entirely certain whether it was positive or negative.

The walk was only a short one, but it was like miles. My thoughts would not stop.

Say something, I scolded myself. Don't be odd.

"So," I managed, "you play every Saturday?"

"Yup," he said, gazing at me with a grin. "Keeeps me sane. You should come more often."

"Maybe," I said.

He nudged me lightly with his elbow. "No maybe. You're good. And besides…"

He paused, choosing his words.

"Besides what?" I breathed, softer than I meant to.

"Besides, it's more fun when you're there," he said.

My chest constricted.

He said it so casually, like it was not going to make my heart rate go into overdrive.

It did.

Before I could come up with anything to say, we'd stopped at a small coffee shop nestled on the corner of a side street.

It wasn't fancy — just a couple of tables, intimate lights, and the scent of freshly ground coffee — but it was the kind of place where humans talked about what mattered.

And then I wasn't sure I was prepared for that.

We moved a table over closer to the back, and Adrian got two of us a drink without even bothering to ask what I wanted.

"You drink iced coffee, don't you?" he asked when he saw me raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," I admitted.

"I listen," he said, shrugging slightly.

I looked away before he noticed me grinning.

We just sat there for a few minutes, drinking.

It should have been awkward, but somehow it wasn't.

"So," he said, after a pause, "you never told me what really happened with Miriam."

I stopped dead.

"She broke up with me," I suddenly blurted, staring down into my coffee.

"Was it because of something I did?" he asked.

I hesitated.

"I guess I just… wasn't into it anymore," I croaked, my throat tight.

He didn't say anything for a second, just stared at me like he was trying to read between the lines.

Then he said, "Fair."

The conversation strayed to school, music, random stuff. But this was different — slower, deeper.

With each joke he cracked, I felt lighter. With each look at me, I felt seen.

And for the first time, I wasn't anxious.

I wanted to stay.

We both drained our glasses but neither of us stood up to leave.

"Alright," Adrian replied, leaning back in his chair, "you want to go for a walk for a bit? Just us?"

The way he said it — just us — sent a chill down my spine.

I nodded, attempting not to look as anxious as I felt. "Yeah. Sure."

He grinned like that's what he was looking for.

We stepped out of the café and started walking, the streets less crowded now that the sun dipped in the sky. The air was cooler, but my chest was warm.

So, Adrian said after a pause, "you ever think of getting out of this town?"

I blinked, taken aback by the question. "Uh. sometimes, I guess. Why?"

He shrugged. "Just wondering. I think about it all the time. Like, what it'd be like to just. start over somewhere. Be whoever you want."

I looked at him intently. There was something in the way he spoke that sounded. intimate.

"Who do you want to be?" I exclaimed before I could stop myself.

He glanced at me, then went back to looking straight ahead. "Still working on that."

We strolled in silence for a while after that, though, and it wasn't uncomfortable.

The streetlights flickered on, their gentle pools of light on the sidewalk.

Adrian kicked at a pebble on the road. "You're easy to hang out with, you know that?"

I blinked. "Me?"

"Yeah. Most people…" He paused, looking for the right words. "I don't know, most people like they're acting like something. But you don't."

I swallowed hard, not knowing what to do with it.

"Thanks," I breathed.

He smiled at me, and for a brief moment I forgot how to breathe.

We eventually ended up at a tiny park. The grounds were empty, quiet except for the distant rumble of cars.

Adrian was perched on one of the swings and he waved for me to get on the one next to him.

"You ever come here?" he asked.

"Not really," I said, sitting down.

"Good place to think," he said, swaying softly back and forth.

I nodded, though my brain wasn't so much thinking at that moment.

"You didn't seem all that happy when your brother said something about Miriam yesterday," Adrian said bluntly.

I halted. "Yeah, well… breakups are crappy."

"Yeah," he concurred. Then he looked at me. "Was it bad?"

I hesitated. "Not really. I just… wasn't feeling it anymore, you know?"

He didn't say anything immediately, just regarded me with this inscrutable expression.

"Guess that happens," he said after a while. "Sometimes you think you like someone, then you see you don't."

I nodded slowly, looking at the ground. "Yeah."

We sat silently for a moment. The chains of the swings creaked softly as we adjusted.

Adrian then said, too lightly, "So… do you like anyone now?"

The question hit me in the chest like a punch.

I tried to sound nonchalant and laughed. "What kind of question is that?"

"A normal one," he said, smiling. "Come on. You gotta like someone."

I hesitated, my throat dry.

"I don't know," I admitted.

"Hmm." He sat back on the swing, still smiling. "Sounds like a yes to me."

I spun around to protest, but he just smiled bigger.

"Relax," he told me, nudging my foot with his. "I'm not gonna tell anyone."

My heart constricted.

If only he knew.

Eventually, Adrian got up, stretching. "Come on. I'll walk you home."

The idea of the night's end giving my stomach a drop, but I nodded up and stood too.

We walked side by side, nearer than we had ever been.

Our hands grazed once. Barely.

But I felt it everywhere.

When we reached my block, Adrian lingered.

"Guess I'll see you tomorrow," he said.

"Yeah," I whispered.

He hesitated, then said, "Hey — thanks for going out with me tonight. I… needed it."

I nodded, not wanting to say anything.

He smiled at me once more and walked away.

At my room, I opened my diary even before I took off my shoes.

Dear Diary,

Tonight was different.

I don't know what Adrian meant when he asked me if I like someone, but I swear my heart jumped.

I think…

God, I think I do.

And it's not Miriam.

It's him.

But the thing that frightens me the most is not that I might like him.

It's that perhaps — perhaps even probably — he already does know.

I woke up the next morning still thinking about last night.

About Adrian.

About the way he had asked me whether I had a crush on someone — and the way he smiled like he already knew the answer.

I just couldn't seem to get over it.

---

Practice that day was different. I wasn't looking for chances to sneak peeks of him — I was nervous to do so.

When he finally got there, he looked exhausted but still smiled when he spotted me.

"Hey," he said, thumping his fist against mine.

"Hey," I replied, attempting to be cool.

But I don't think I succeeded, because after practice, he approached me before I was able to leave.

"You wanna hang out again?" he asked.

I hesitated. "Now?"

"Yeah," he replied. "Unless you're busy."

I shook my head quickly. "No. I'm not busy."

"Cool," he said, smiling like that was exactly what he was expecting.

---

This time we really did go to the park again, but instead of sitting on the swings, we crawled onto the jungle gym like little kids.

It was quiet, the sky already dark and filled with stars.

For a bit we just sat there, side by side.

Then Adrian said, "You ever feel like you can't tell anyone how you really feel?"

The words just hit me so hard I forgot how to breathe.

"Yeah," I whispered.

He nodded like he understood. "Sometimes I feel like I have to be a certain way. You know? Like if I'm not, people will think I'm weird. Or worse."

My chest felt tight.

Because that was exactly how I felt.

---

"Like what?" I asked hesitantly.

He shrugged. "Like… I don't know. People think they know you, right? But there's things you don't tell them. Things you keep inside you because you're not ready for them to know."

I swallowed hard. "Yeah. I get it."

He turned his head in my direction, and for a second, we just… sat there, looking.

And I swear, the world went very, very quiet.

---

"Can I ask you something?" he asked finally.

"Yeah," I whispered.

"You ever think about… guys?"

My heart ceased to exist.

I blinked, wondering if I'd heard him correctly.

"What?"

He leaned away, suddenly fascinated with the ground. "Forget it. I just… never mind."

"No," I said hastily. "I just… what do you mean?"

He hesitated, then spoke, "Like. suppose you liked a guy. Do you think that would be. I dunno. Bad?"

---

I didn't have a clue what to say.

My head was screaming a thousand different things.

"No," I said finally.

He looked at me in shock.

"No?"

I shook my head. "No. I don't think that would be bad."

For a moment, he just looked at me.

Then he smiled — not his big, toothy grin, but smaller. Softer.

"Yeah," he whispered. "Me neither."

---

We just sat there for a long time afterwards, not saying anything at all.

When it was eventually time to go, Adrian stood up first and held out his hand.

I hesitated, then took it.

He didn't let go at first.

And I didn't want him to.

---

When I got home, I took out my diary again, my hands shaking.

Dear Diary,

Tonight, Adrian asked me a question.

Something I never thought I would ever hear from him.

He asked whether I ever thought about guys.

And when I said no — no, it wouldn't be so bad — he smiled at me like I was telling him something he'd been dying to know.

I think…

God, I think maybe he feels the same way.

---

And if he does…

I don't know what happens after that.

But I believe I would like to know.